Nip/Tuck: Season’s Beatings

Previously – Christian and Michelle got engaged, James started using McNamara/Troy’s operating room for her own nefarious organ-stealing purposes, and Sean and Christian sorta/kinda resolved the sexual tension between them. I’m not convinced.

Sean and Matt are at the mall, buying gifts for Annie and Connor. Sean’s other kids who aren’t married to ex-porno producer Scientologists are visiting for Christmas. Sean’s buying like all this jeweled stuff for Annie, and I know she’s dull and stuff but there’s only so long she’s going to be distracted by a shiny bauble. While they’re shopping, Julia calls and lets them know that Annie has strep and that they won’t be coming. Aww. I think strep was a cover, and Annie was just sitting there slack-jawed and something fell in her gaping yawp and there was a choking incident. Oh, and Matt shows that not only is Scientology extraterrestrial, but it’s selfish as hell, too. Matt and Kimber are off on a Scientology cruise so Kimber can ascend to the next level, which would be She-Ra of Gorgon Quadrant 3, set phasers to stun. That’s nice, Matt, leave your Dad whose wife just left with the other two kids ALONE ON CHRISTMAS. Why don’t you just tie the noose for him, or get the warm bath and razor blade all set up? He even goes as far as to refer to Kimber and her pregnancy as his “new family” now. Sean even asks if he can join him for a cappuccino but it’s his night to make dinner. Why don’t you ask him to stand with his legs spread just a leetle bit wider so you can REALLY make that kick in the balls count? Sean ends up in a bar alone, getting ham-boned.

More Nip/Tuck after the jump.

The next morning, Sean spars with a homeless guy named Reefer. Reefer has somehow acquired a Salvation Army basket and bell to beg with, and I think that ingenuity is worth more than a dollar, Sean. Reefer thinks so, too. They both make shitty comments to each other, and Sean gives the obligatory wish that Santa would bring Reefer a job for Christmas. Why in God’s name does every goddamn Christmas episode of every goddamn TV show trot out the goddamn homeless every single goddamn time? Seriously, you don’t care the other 364, so why bother? Hypocrites! Yes, I feel bad! Move on!

Inside the office, Christian and Michelle are decorating the ugliest, most evil-looking Christmas tree ever. Seriously, its blood red and they’re decorating it with crystals. It looks like it might have belonged to Aleister Crowley. If they hang the crystals in just the right formation, the demon Asmodeus, Scourge of the World, will burst out and end the universe. Michelle spins some yarn about how she was poor and her tree was always dead when she was a kid. Sean comes in, and relates how his Christmas will be sans any family this year. Michelle looks absolutely unimpressed by this news. They can’t join him as they are going to St. Petersburg, Russia to stay in the Grand Hotel. That’s an interesting Christmas. Sean sinks deeper into depths of depression. Catherine Deneuve must have sensed this, so she sent him a basket full of liquor. Which he drinks right before his 10:30 consultation. That’s right, he just starts getting plastered. The medical licenses on this show are made of Teflon.

His consultation is with a woman who needs her g-spot enhanced or something so she can experience an orgasm. During this meeting, Sean drinks from his lil’ coffee cup of happiness and munches chips. He’s very relaxed and I’m cracking up. They discuss the procedure, and the woman sums it up as when you “inject [something] into my cooch and I come like a house afire”. How nicely put. As a child, I always dreamed of the day I’d hear “cooch” on a television series. I can rest now, my dreams are fulfilled. She begins advising Sean on treating himself this Christmas (they’re both divorcees) to a new suit, as he gets her in the stirrups to complete the procedure. I’m not sure what he’s doing is the actual procedure or not, I don’t think it is and he’s actually just finger-blasting her. He looks full-on evil. Dylan Walsh is having way too much fun this episode.

A cute silky-voiced guy rolls up on Christian to tell him that Wilbur’s Dad is dead and guess what he’s getting for Christmas? His son back! Well, it’s not really his son. To catch you up, Christian’s ex-girlfriend Gina is an HIV-positive sex addict who f*cked anything on two legs and got knocked up and passed the baby off as Christian’s. Then the baby was born and he was black. Heh. Gina’s white. Anyway, the real Dad turned up and took Wilbur away from both of them. Christian still felt the kid was his son despite the absence of DNA. Caught up? Good. Anyway, Christian finds out that if he doesn’t take Wilbur, the kid will go to a foster home. You know like the one Christian went to after his Mom gave him up because his Dad was a serial killer who raped her? Yeah, the Carver storyline went some places last year. Oh, like the foster homes where Christian was molested, yet plied with gifts to shut up about it. Glorious. Of course, Christian’s all I’m getting married and God forbid if anyone’s ever on the look out for baby kidneys – the kid will be in some danger. He’s got a dilemma.

Sean’s rocking a new Gucci suit and homeless guy Reefer gives him shit about it. They have this whole my pain is worse than yours duel, and just get to the part where they’re under the tree and Reefer plays with little Wilbur after he showers, and snow falls on Miami for the first time in a 100 years and even the Carver twins over in Europe stop cutting smiles on models to provide Alzheimer’s victims with ham or whatever. Reefer tells Sean he can sense his pain.

Michelle isn’t having the baby. Hell nah. And Christian’s pretty much – plans have changed, honey. Get with the program, or get going. Nurse Linda, sporting a huge pair of antlers, alerts them to trouble. Escobar Gallardo, the escaped convict who killed a whole bunch of people in their office and used them to engineer an escape, sent them a ham for Xmas. This is significant because Escobar is the only one who knows Sean and Christian threw a ham-covered body to the alligators in the Everglades in Episode One. The FBI is there, and asks why Gallardo would send them that and Liz offers “because he wants to slaughter us like pigs”. Liz should write this column. The FBI tells them that agents will now be permanently stationed outside the facility 24-7 and Michelle is freaked because James is still offering her evening organ removal courses to enterprising supermodels in the OR every night.

James is still in the recovery room, and in red pajamas with gold accessories and sly as a fox. She tells Michelle that once her Xmas quota is filled, she’ll be gone. Michelle spills the news about the FBI and James is aghast but grateful Michelle told her. Michelle tells her that it had nothing to do with any feelings she has for her. These two are kind of interesting. I think Sanaa is picking up a few things from Jackie Bissett, acting-wise. Sweet.

Sean and Liz perform burn surgery on a guy whose estranged wife neglected to tell him she had a fire going when he was playing Santa in the chimney. Ouch. We get some nice shots of roasted legs, and I’m about to toss my sushi. Alanis Morrisette rolls up and she’s still playing Liz’s abusive girlfriend. Did “So-Called Chaos” do that badly? What does she care; she’s got a recurring guest spot on a hit show and Ryan Reynolds’ dope ass to keep her company. I just wish her character weren’t so lifeless and abrasive. Anyway, she asks Sean to step in as Santa for this lesbian breast cancer thing and Sean says no, and she taunts him about being self-pitying. Which, she has a point but you’re new around here, bitch. Christian rolls up, refers to Liz and Alanis as the “dyke dynamic duo” and informs them that he’s a daddy again. Alanis opines that Wilbur’s going to need a lot of therapy. And somehow this news spurred Sean to accept the Santa position.

The “cooch” lady is there and complaining that her vibrating cell phone, driving a car, spin classes, and the clothes dryer are all setting off orgasms. You sign me up for that operation and you sign me up for it now. Seriously, when I was a kid, my friend’s Mom was into horror novels. And she had this one called The Searing. And I started reading it and the Searing was basically about women being forced to have orgasms by some supernatural force or what have you. I stopped reading. Uh, what’s the problem? Even at twelve I was wondering, where’s the horror? Sean is full on drinking from his little red coffee mug of joy and “cooch” lady catches him. Christian comes in and offers her a procedure reversal and some free Botox. That’s not bad. And it solves any complaints she might have. She leaves, and Christian lectures Sean about his drinking. And Sean retorts with my family’s gone blah blah blah liquor is my child now blah blah blah. And even my boyfriend looks up from whatever mad scientist thing he’s doing on his computer and yells for Sean to stop whining. In his office, Sean has three different weird Christmas trees. One’s thin, one’s white, one’s red. It’s like Christmas decorating schizophrenia.

The silky-voiced guy brings Wilbur in. Wilbur is cutesy. He calls Christian “Daddy” and Christian cries a little. I hate Christmas. At the mall, it’s a hilarious boozy Christmas disaster. Liz and Alanis are bullshit because “Santa” Sean is inside the little workshop. He’s keeping the kids waiting and drinking. I’m not going to lie, disappointing children and drinking from a hip flask is my idea of a hot Christmas. A female little person elf comes in to retrieve him, and he asks her if she knows whom “Marlowe” is. I empathize with her, as I too am seriously asked if I know certain gay people. I usually answer no, but I’ll look for them next year at the AIDS picnic. Sean is smashed, and inquires if the elf lady is a dyke like Liz and Alanis. No, but she has dabbled. She tells him she needs a good North Pole now and then. And Sean refers to her as “why you little ho ho ho”. These two should take it on the road. Nip/Tuck is the first TV show I can think of with interesting little people characters who aren’t the result of a bad blind date storyline where we learn to accept people for who they are and not their height.

Sean plays Santa, and terrorizes the kids. He asks one little chubby girl who wants a cake for Christmas if she also wants diabetes and makes comments about another little boy’s Mom’s tits. It’s totally wrong but I laughed anyway. Santa is taken back to his workshop for a break. Christian and Wilbur arrive to see Santa and Alanis is strangely cold to Wilbur, who is adorable. Is her character being written that way, or is Alanis just a really awkward actress? Do children interfere with her “truth”? Yes, that’s what she referred to her song writing and performing as on VH-1 one time. Easy there, Joni Mitchell. And this all culminates with Christian, Wilbur (whose eyes aren’t immediately averted which causes me to question Christian’s parenting), Liz and Alanis witnessing Sean getting a blowjob while wearing a Santa suit from a little person dressed as an elf. It’s every kind of wrong. This might be my favorite TV Christmas since Charlie Brown. This show plumbs the depths, and then it plumbs the DEPTHS of the depths. It’s a lot of plumbing.

Sean ends up drinking on the beach, where (you guessed it) he bonds with Reefer. Reefer is messed up because he got paid to “bum fight”. Which I’ve actually heard of. It’s this absolutely abhorrent practice where soulless ghouls pay homeless guys to kick the shit out of each other. And then they make DVD’s out of it and sell them. I think anyone involved in that needs their dick nailed to the floor and then be made to run away. Seriously. Oh, and it’s the usual – Reefer has a daughter, he was trying to earn her money for an Xmas present. She’s in foster care, and the family’s nicer to their own kids. They spar some more about both being in the darkness and it being steep and it’s all depressing and let’s get you to the office and stitch you up, new best friend

Sean stitches him up, and then ends up offering him a place to stay in the recovery room. Where the only other patient is James. You know, James, the woman who is in search of black market human organs? Honestly, my gut drops. Sean tells him to stop by his house tomorrow for some old suits he can give him. And basically leaves him to die what with the Gallic Eviscerator in the next room.

Michelle meets Wilbur and doesn’t say it, but is pleasantly surprised he’s black. This seems to seal the deal for her. They begin to decorate the tree. The baby keeps touching Christian’s face. Even babies know Julian McMahon is beautiful.

James is in the lobby of McNamara/Troy when those stylish French-Asian gangsters hit her cell to have her listen to them killing a guy. They want organs or she dies. Is the organ theft ringleader population that bountiful that they can just go around knocking people off when they don’t produce enough supply? Seriously. Isn’t it kind of a specialized field? And disaster strikes when Sean’s leaving and tells James that Reefer is staying and needs company.

And what comes next is the most evil, Black Widow-y thing I’ve ever seen on TV. Aileen Wuornos had more compassion for her victims than this bitch. Jackie Bissett plays it so cool; it’s a great diabolical scene. She chats with Reefer, explains “James” in French means “I love”, laughs about how his name means the same in any language and seduces him into drinking drugged champagne. She then has Michelle come over to assist her and in the meantime she’s had one of her fembot surgeons open the guy up and completely clean him out of organs. It’s absolutely chilling. Kudos to the show for repulsing me more than any of the surgical scenes ever could. Michelle is aghast, and James tells her she needs to help her clean up the mess and get it out of there or everyone’s screwed. They get ahold of Sean’s Santa suit or maybe James keeps one in her Gucci bag full of organ theft disguises. They use the outfits to manage to convince the FBI agents that they’re carrying donated toys and not homeless guy body parts out of there.

Sean is home packing suits up for Reefer, who’s not going to need em’ unless they’re for individual limbs. Christian brings Wilbur over to hang Connor’s ornaments on the tree. Wibur’s my favorite kind of kid – cute and silent. Anyway, that was a Nip/Tuck Christmas. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go call some sort of hotline.

Next – Sean sells his shares to Christian and Michelle. Gina’s back! Yay! And Michelle’s in deep shit.