Nip/Tuck: “Melissa Gilbert Is into Bestiality”


Previously – Christian wanted A.C. Slater’s body, Sean slept with Night Nurse Monica, Liz almost got her ass fired for outing Sanaa Lathan, and Conor McNamara was born (and his Lucky Charms were magically delicious).

Christian’s sticking to yogurt in the break room, as he wants A.C. Slater’s rock hard abs and perky buttocks. (He wants his to resemble those, that is.) What – did you guys think I was saying Christian was gay or something? Are you crazy? He’s totally straight. Really. I’m also delighted to see that Pom is kept in the break room fridge. Pomegranate juice totally intrigues me.

Sean rolls up and apologizes to Christian for being a douche at the hospital during Conor’s birth, and admits he had a tryst with Night Nurse Monica and her Oasis cd. Christian is all thrilled, and dripping with false concern as he wants Sean to get caught so they can move in together and have some hot forty something mansex gymnastics. Christian states that Julia was “closed for repairs” due to her pregnancy and it was understandable. Someone is totally concentrating on making Christian’s dialogue as crass as possible this season and I love it. Remember “cum gutters”?

Christian deletes Night Nurse Monica from Sean’s cell phone when Sean admits he wants to repeat his performance. Christian says that some men can’t handle temptation, as we cut to his newly butched up crib (with the penis statue) and see that he’s pouring a glass of champagne for Sanaa Lathan. She was under the impression that Sean would be joining them as this was a bury the hatchet dinner. Uh, no. She samples Christian’s caviar and finds it “not too salty”. There’s a joke here, but I’m moving on.

Written by J. Harvey

More of J. Harvey’s “Nip/Tuck” recap after the jump.

Sanaa tells Christian how she dropped out of medical school because her Mom had gotten sick, but she has no regrets. He is ignoring this, as he makes his move and quotes some Oscar Wilde. No, he’s not gay. Sanaa slaps him. Christian tells her she either needs to sleep with him or sell him back the business because he can’t be performing surgery with a “hard-on”. Sanaa isn’t going anywhere.

Julia and Sean deal with a lactation nurse who is being played by the actress who has played every nurse, administrator, evil next-door neighbor, school principal, lunch lady, psych ward escapee and cleaning lady on every show I have ever watched since I was a kid. This biddy is a national treasure. Conor isn’t taking the teat, so Julia gets frustrated and banishes our national treasure. Sean tries to explain to Julia that Conor needs breast milk to stay strong for his upcoming surgeries to repair his hand deformity. Julia reveals that she thinks she’s got post-partum depression and might need medication. Is this a cue for Brooke Shields to reprise her role as Christian’s shrink and then hit us with a “Tom Cruise is a wacky asshole” PSA?
Melissa Gilbert’s dog bit off her nipple. You didn’t imagine that I wrote that. She’s got a pit bull, and she was trying to separate a dogfight. She’s crazy desperate that her husband not find out as he already (correctly) thinks that the dog is a problem. We realize Melissa is nutty, as she reveals that her husband has been in Iraq and the dog is her “protector” except when it’s chowing on her tit. And what’s with the heavy-handed symbolism comparing baby Conor to a psychotic pit bull?

Sanaa confronts Christian in the scrub room and Christian makes a crack about her “chocolate cupcakes”. Liz, rightly, points out that apparently when a straight man makes a sexual comment to her it’s “foreplay”. During Melissa Gilbert’s nipple surgery (Michael Landon is rolling over in his grave) Liz asks Christian for tips on how to pick up some ladies. He offers to coach her on Saturday night. What?

Meanwhile, back at Casa De Damn That Night Nurse – Peter Dinklage has drawn a mural depicting Adam and Eve in Conor’s room. He’s an intense little guy. They’re even giving him intense music that sounds like Ayers Rock or some shite. Julia tells Peter Dinklage about her theory that she has post-partum. He responds by telling her he thinks she is merely feeling responsible for Conor’s condition. Apparently, Peter knows this “one little trick” he feels might be worth trying. Uh huh, I bet. It involves putting a warm washcloth on her boob to relax the milk ducts. Sean happens to walk by as Peter Dinklage is putting hot, wet cloth on his wife’s breasts and perhaps wishes for Melissa Gilbert’s pit bull to get involved.

Meanwhile, at Meow Mix, Liz and Christian try to score some trim. Liz looks hotsy all make-up and hair did. Some sultry chick in the corner is giving them the eye, and Christian moves in. He tells her that he can “munch, fish, and dive” better than any woman in the place. Christian is a brutal form of ex-gay therapy. The religious right needs to employ his ass. He also tells her he has a dildo. Where? In his dildo holster? She reveals that she “does the munching” and calls him an asshole. And to Liz’s credit, the sultry chick sends her over a drink and wants to know how soon she can “dump the fairy”. HAH! This chick doesn’t even know him and realizes he likes the D.

Back at sultry chick’s place, Liz enjoys a cocktail and some nuzzling. She wakes up with her cell phone taped to her hand and I get a sinking feeling in my stomach because Liz is always going through some bad shite and can’t they just give her a girlfriend and be done with it? I mean she’s gotten shot, accused of murder, when does it end? And the phone rings and it’s the sultry chick and she tells her the paramedics are on the way. And it’s just like I thought – bitch took her kidney. Ugh. This show is gross. Truthfully, she only needs one to live (I’ve only got one) but a set is nice to have in case of emergencies.

Liz is going to be ok, but it looks like she was the victim of an organized organ thievery ring that has moved into Miami. Yikes. The doctor tells them that a black market kidney goes for $200,000. Dude, I’m selling my remaining one. I needs to get paid. Liz is ok, but she’s upset because it will take four to six weeks of recovery and she doesn’t have anyone to take care of her. And God, can we please have some positive lesbian images instead of lonely frump? Then again, Liz is way more realistic and positive than Oprah.
Back at the butcher shop, crazy dyke Jacqueline Bisset is in Sanaa’s office. She’s a positive lesbian image! I can’t wait until she starts flashing her triangular mystery and going after Michael Douglas with an ice pick. She’s got a teen model with her who needs to have her face reconstructed because she “compromised a client”. Sanaa protests that she owes one last payment and she’s through. Jacqueline’s all nah, your new plastic surgery business is fantastique and we can give many high-class hookers many new faces! Sanaa is all she’s perfect and Sean and Christian will turn her down for a surgery request. After Christian tries to nail her. Jacqueline Bisset solves this issue by BLUDGEONING THE GIRL IN THE FACE WITH A BIG BOWLING BALL PAPER WEIGHT OFF SANAA’S DESK TO INSURE THAT SHE ACTUALLY NEEDS FACIAL RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY. Goddamn! Where’s the Jacqueline we knew from The Deep with the sharks and the treasure and the wet t-shirt? She was nice! And also – weird paper weight.

Sanaa convinces Christian to perform the surgery and he tells her to scrub in to join him. It’s foreplay, a lot of foreplay. The background music is talking about “brown sugar”. *eye roll* I’m seriously calling the medical board. Granted the patient is a hooker on the run getting surgery to disguise her features but still, she has the right to be operated on without people dripping on her.

Sean fires Peter Dinklage, insinuating that he was inappropriate with Julia’s boobies and that it’s because he obviously can’t get any because he’s a little person. First off, Sean needs to check himself because Peter Dinklage is way sexier than him. It’s true. Peter’s all, uh – you’re a dick and I get a lot of tail and I was just trying to keep Julia off the pills so Conor can breastfeed. Then Night Nurse Monica shows up. Ugh.

Monica gets checked out for breathing problems related to her nose job but bitch is lying of course. Embracing every television cliché possible, Monica is a loony tune who starts going on about Sean’s hands and how she can’t forget about him and wants him to come see her tonight. She really likes his hands.

Melissa Gilbert’s husband shows up with a big bag. And he starts going on about peanut butter…..and we find out that Melissa’s been letting her dog…oh god, I can’t even finish it. I can’t even. This is so far from Little House on the Prairie. And yeah, the dog’s in the bag. Dead. Dead boob-licking dog in the bag. This show is just wrong sometimes.

Meanwhile. Jacqueline Bisset is hanging out with her teen model hooker in recovery. Liz has settled into McNamara/Troy for her own recovery. And Miami PD must hate this place because there’s always a serial killer to clean up after or a dead dog to pick up. Liz and Christian run into Jacqueline Bisset and Liz reveals to Christian that she’s the lady who was feeling up Sanaa in the garage. This episode is very chesty.

Julia’s in a much better mood since Peter Dinklage finished his mural. Oh, and it might have something to do with the anti-depressants in her purse. Sean’s nosey. And wow, those are some fast-acting anti-depressants. Sean goes over to Night Nurse Monica’s place and she has some hash brownies. She likes to make love stoned. Of course she does. She’s from the Midwest. It’s boring there. Then she puts on some Animotion (not kidding) and begins doing this terrible high school dance team routine (not kidding) and David Lynch yells cut!

It’s some good shit, because he’s seeing Night Nurse Monica in double, and then topless, and then perky. And then the scary tattooed gangster from Season 1 is all up in his hallucination playing Satan. Recently, he was terrorizing Kelly Monaco on General Hospital and I think I liked him better there. Is there anyone worth terrorizing more than Kelly Monaco? And then the useless chick from Tommy Boy is playing the angel role and she’s looked better. If you recall, she died of cancer after having an affair with Sean. I’m not saying Sean gave her cancer. I’m just relating the facts. Sean has a crazy hallucination where he is confronted about how he feels about Conor’s defect and maybe blaming Julia and he realizes he loves Julia and says it out loud. And guess who thinks he’s talking to her? Anyway, Sean turns her down and goes home. You’ll be seeing her again and she’ll probably be taking legal action or wielding a weapon.

Sanaa goes home and Christian is hanging out with J.R. Ewing. She’s all freaked out. Especially when Christian references Jacqueline Bisset. He’s in her study later and asking questions while sitting in J.R.’s desk chair in the shadows and uh, get out of my house? Christian lets her know that he did research and that the girl they operated on doesn’t officially exist. Sanaa fesses up. Jacqueline’s name is James (I love that name for a girl) and she runs a “modeling agency” and Sanaa is “indebted” to her. James paid for her medical schooling, and we find out that Sanaa was a prosty for about a year and then quit. And that James is wack-crazy and won’t let her be. She begs Christian not to tell Larry Hagman and Christian says ok, but ya gotta do me! He doesn’t actually use that terminology (note the lack of quotation marks) but you get the lay of the land.

Peter Dinklage is still working on his mural. Julia loves it. But then again, she’s high. And then the baby stirs. And Julia asks Peter Dinklage to feed it. And he’s all, I’m covered in paint and she’s pissy. And who knew lactation caused this much drama? He reminds her that Conor isn’t perfect and that he’s “deformed”. We find out that Peter’s mom told him she should have had an abortion. Ugh. Thanks, Ma. Julia reveals that she and Sean almost aborted Conor. And she discusses their problems, and she reveals that they considered Conor to be their last hope. And then she says she wish she had aborted Conor and well at least she’s honest. And as she’s being all honest, the baby starts taking her milk. Sean comes home and tells her that she’s not supposed to nurse if she’s taking meds, and we learn that she didn’t take them. And Peter Dinklage’s mural is crazy good. But will probably terrify Conor more than his parents not wanting him.

Next – Rosie O’Donnell shows up, Christian gets blackmailed by crazy Jacqueline Bisset and I really really hope that Julia sleeps with Peter Dinklage because we need more of that in this life.