Nip/Tuck: I’m Not Gay But My Partner Is

Previously – Julia left. Sad.

Christian’s rocking this slicked-back hair and for the first time, I’m not happy to see him. Catherine Deneuve’s looking puffy and it’s adding to her brusque performance. Seriously, she’s bringing it. She’s “here for her breasts” and doesn’t give a shit that there’s no smoking in the building as she uses what appears to be a pencil holder as an ashtray. Sean’s obviously still at the airport in his head, as he’s slouched back in his chair, almost in the fish tank. Wow, do I give detail or what? Seriously, no wonder why my brothers are all “yeah, we don’t read your recaps, shit’s too long”.

Her late husband, who she misses terribly, installed Catherine’s breasts. So much so that she’s carting his ashes around with her. Sean commiserates with her about losing the one true love of your life. Dude, Christian’s right there – it’s ok, baby. She wants them to put the ashes in her breasts. Of course she does. Christian nods like this is all totally normal or bitch is crazy but act natural. She assures them that it’s been done before. Turns out it’s the latter. Sean is all for it, though. Catherine asks them not to deny her the pleasure of having her husband inside her permanently, as that was her happiest time when he was alive. Him being inside her. She said that, I didn’t.

More “Nip/Tuck” after the jump.

Christian and organ thief Michelle make out in the break room. It’s back on. Sean’s jealous. He’s also bullshit because Christian and Michelle put the kibosh on Operation Ash Boobs. Sean reminds Michelle that she too suffered a loss recently and had her husband cremated He’s barking up the wrong ice cold, organ-thieving tree. Michelle protests that she didn’t have Larry Hagman’s ashes inserted in her body. She might be skewing a little sociopath, but she’s got a point.

Sean goes “so interesting when the hooker becomes the pimp”. HOLLA! Michelle reminds him that he operated on epitome of evil Escobar Gallardo and now she’s trying to sort the whole mess out. You know, because of the numerous dead bodies that were lying around afterwards. Sean protests that he was asked to by the Florida State Correctional Facility; not mentioning it was because Gallardo was blackmailing THE WARDEN ABOUT HIS HEROIN ADDICTION. Lovely. This all goes on as I am completely distracted by that mural on their break room wall, which makes it look like the break room is perched at the top of a high-dive. It’s fascinating. I’m not stoned or anything, but I do pause the DVR to figure out what the hell I’m looking at. Michelle leaves but reminds them that she owns 51% of the practice and she doesn’t have to explain herself about the decisions she makes about her company. Christian’s salty, and tells Sean he’s just jealous and needs to talk to someone. “Shrink, acupuncturist, a hooker”. Cue Brooke Shields! I like how Christian sees prostitution on the same level as psychiatry and acupuncture. He has a point.

Michelle and Christian are at home, and talking over way too many lit candles. Seriously, candlelight is nice and everything but how’s your fire hazard? Christian apologizes for not sticking up for her enough and she defends Sean because he just lost his family. Christian tells her she’s amazing and that he loves her. Blech. I’m not feeling these two. I’m especially not feeling how Julia takes off for good and doesn’t go see Christian first. They obviously have a connection, seeing as they made out in the church prior to his wedding that didn’t happen and oh, have a son together.

Christian proposes to Michelle via a ring in her glass of champagne. I know that’s an accepted way of doing things, but all I can picture is a choking emergency. Michelle says that she wants to say yes, but is all offhandedly you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. Seriously, the first time she needs to afford Prada he’s going to lose a kidney. She feels they need to live together first. She feels strange about Christian’s place because he’s f*cked a lot in that bed. And she probably feels equally as strange about the cock statue. It would give me pause as well. She tells Christian he needs to sell his place.

Sean’s seeing tattooed love goddess Brooke Shields, who’s crazy as ever. She’s visibly upset that it was nurse Linda and not Christian who recommended her to Sean. Bitch is bonkers. She pretends not to remember Christian’s name. Sean explains that Julia left and he lets things build up and explode. When Sean tells Brooke about his tussle with Michelle, all she hears is Christian’s “girlfriend”. Oh oh. Brooke gets her name from Sean and Michelle better lock her doors. Brooke asks Sean if he’s comfortable that his partner is having a sexual relationship with their boss. Brooke advises Sean to bring Diana Lubey (Catherine Deneuve) back and to perform her surgery to “reclaim his power”. Oh lordy.

Organ theft ring pimp James is hanging out in Michelle’s office, the one that looks like Willy Wonka’s factory. Michelle’s like get your old French ass out of my office. James lets her know that she wants the use of McNamara/Troy’s operating rooms three nights a week, but she’ll be really tidy about it. Oh, thanks. Michelle is like no way in hell, you don’t have power over me now and my ass has ALL of Larry Hagman’s money. We learn that Michelle paid off the coroner to ignore the fact that J.R. Ewing was missing his kidneys. She also lets James know that she’s full on in love with Christian, is now strictly dickly and oh look, I’m engaged. And Michelle shows that she’s no punk by full on flaunting the ring in James’ face. James is a little chagrined, and makes a snarky comment about how Michelle is fairly malleable when she’s receiving the big O. And Michelle responds by slapping the white off her. Michelle has a list of every person in James’ employ AND every victim so if she’s going down, she’s dragging the old French dyke with her.

Catherine Deneueve is on the table, but wants one last smoke. Uh, no. Christian is all didn’t we say we wouldn’t be turning this woman’s breasts into ashtrays? Sean whines that for the last ten years they’ve made decisions together and now Michelle is obstructing their man-love. Christian chooses then to tell Sean he’s marrying her. Fantastic timing.

Sean goes to see Brooke Shields again. And when she finds out that Christian’s getting married, she’s all ima break up that wedding! She doesn’t actually say that, but Brooke is a marvelous actor when it comes to using just her un-botoxed forehead to convey emotion. Sean bitches about how Michelle is in control of their business and didn’t he sell her the damn thing willingly? Sean mentions how Brooke must think he’s gay because he’s going on and on about Christian. And Brooke strikes. She makes a crack and then retracts it with an “uh, forget I said anything”. That should be the first sign of a bad therapist – forget I said anything? Leave, and call the medical board. Stat. Brooke lets Sean know that Christian is gay. Heh. Sean protests that Sean has gotten more ass than anyone in South Florida. And Brooke’s chagrined because she was one of those 1,000 asses. Brooke admits she’s being hella unprofessional but she couldn’t just sit there witnessing Sean’s terrible confusion over Christian’s behavior. Only on Nip/Tuck would this woman retain her medical license.

Christian’s selling his apartment, and Mario Lopez shows up to check it out. Unfortunately Mario’s in a tracksuit and not showing off that rock-hard A. C. Slater ass. But he does appear to have recovered from losing Dancing with the Stars. Maybe sleeping with his partner has lessened the blow. Anyway, Christian shows him around the apartment and did I not notice before that he has a huge shower with a gigantic window overlooking his bed? Was this always there? This would be cool for someone who had a perfect body, but what if you have family staying over? As Christian shows Mario around, Mario makes these jokes about how many woman have been sexually victimized in the apartment in the way that sexually insecure people do. I think Mario’s gay on this show. It is the gayest show on television. Anyway, Christian starts seeing visions of all the women he’s banged. These include Kimber, blind Rebecca Gayheart, and the chick who he made wear a bag on her head in what was the most revolting piece of television prior to the proposed O.J. how I killed my ex-wife special. Christian freaks and leaves, and Mario wants to buy the place so he can fantasize about Christian full-time. And the Zack Attack.

Diana Lubey has a fur on in the recovery room which is tacky yet old money of her. She has some dialogue about their spouses. And everything is quite nice until Brenda Vacarro bursts in. It turns out that Brenda Vaccaro wants HER husband’s ashes back. The ones that Diana Lubey stole and had placed in her breasticles. She was only the mistress, you see. Not as bad as when Melissa Gilbert was letting the dog titty-f*ck her, but close. Mrs. Lubey writhes in psychic trauma, as she knows she has to surrender the implants. She protests that the husband loved her, and Brenda Vaccaro comes back with something about how your cigarette smoking is phony and this is an oh so French line of bullshit. Well, she’s got a point.

Sean’s drinking in Connor’s nursery and it does look a little less scary with Peter Dinklage’s mural of Adam and Eve in Halloweentown gone. Christian shows up and Sean tells him about Diana Lubey’s sham. Christian lets Sean know he’s having second thoughts. And Sean lets loose with the whole I know you’re a homo thing. Now if this show really had balls, these two would start messing around. But no. I think Julian McMahon would go for it, though. He’s got a twinkle in his eye. Christian protests that he’s not gay, and Sean points out that victims of childhood sexual abuse often have sexual identity issues. He also points out that through everything that has happened to them, Christian has found a way to keep their relationship together. He says that they’re brothers but he’s not gay. Christian keeps protesting that just because he has things waxed doesn’t mean he’s gone “Brokeback”. I object. He wants to know how Sean came to this conclusion. Sean fills him in on Brooke Shields. Christian puts on his most heterosexual fuschia dress shirt and goes to kill a bitch.

Brooke protests that she has patients waiting. Christian’s taken care of this by informing them that she’s losing her medical license. They spar verbally, and Brooke looks full-on Evilynn, foe of She-Ra. Christian drags Sean in, and Dylan Walsh is really short compared to Julian. Anyway, Brooke’s caught out there. She does make Christian look really gay, as she brings up exactly what he told her in their sessions, and about the dream, where he and Sean were lovers. Christian counters by bending her over the desk, and showing Sean her crazy “Property of Christian Troy” tat. It’s very uncomfy and I think Brooke lost this round.

Christian returns to the office, and James is waiting for him and she’s beat to hell. Her boss gave her an “incentive to increase profits” and it turns out that she was far below “managements projections this quarter”. That’s a diplomatic way to put things and I bet certain corporations would have more successful fiscal years if they used the same methods. James begs Christian to fix her face. He’s hesitant as he doesn’t trust her pimp ass. If you think about it, this is her karmic reward for bashing that chick in the face with the paperweight. What goes around comes around. On your face. He goes home that night and Michelle is up in his bed, because she wants to be the last person he lays in it. Does that mean Mario bought the bed, too? Ugh. He’s nasty and probably hopes he can find the remnants of an old Christian Troy wet spot. Yeah, I said it. Christian tells her about James’ surgery that he performed tonight, and she’s bullshit. Mainly because she knows it was James’ way to get into the OR. As they argue, the ghosts of sideline hoes past haunt him. They know his every move, and trick and make him realize he’s using his old strategies to end this engagement before it goes any farther. Christian talks about how he sucks as a friend, lover, and fiancée and says that it’s off and he’s not selling the apartment. Michelle leaves and I can’t help but notice that not only does Christian have a cock statue but also he has leather pillows on his bed. I’m sorry, you’re either the cheesiest guy ever or you like it when a large man with hairy forearms turns you into a Muppet. I won’t go any farther with that one.

Michelle goes to McNamara/Troy later that night and James is up and around and waving bloody scalpels and other surgical equipment. She’s assisting a model that is currently harvesting a man’s kidney. James is doubtful of Tatiana’s talent but what are you gonna do? James asks Michelle something but my DVR screws it up. I’m sure it was something witty and French.

By court order, Brenda Vaccaro got her hubby’s ashes back. And she then proceeds to run around McNamara/Troy looking for a toilet to flush them down. That’s sweet. She’s yelling about all the lies and his froggy mistress, and him not being able to go anywhere near that bitch’s tits again. Sean goes to see how Diana Lubey is and he ends up revealing that he knew she’s been smoking in her recovery room the whole time. In fact, he gave those ashes to Brenda Vaccaro. HAH! He gives Diana Lubey/Catherine Deneuve the real ashes, which I assume she’ll stick in her boobs again somehow. She rewards him with a kiss. I have to say, she’s got presence for an old bag.

Michelle is scrubbing the operating room post-James’ bloody pajama party. Sean comes in and they make nice. She mentions that she’s nervous Christian won’t accept her baggage but Sean assures her that Christian has never fallen for anybody as fast as he fell for her and that he’ll deal. That’s a lot of baggage, though.

Christian, Michelle and Sean finish packing up Christian’s things. The three of them actually acknowledge and fight over who has to take the cock statue. Thank god this is finally being addressed. Christian says that he doesn’t want the cock anymore, which is a damn lie. He and Sean have a moment. Christian says that he’s not gay but he has problems with emotional intimacy and it’s hard for him to express himself. They tell each other that they love each other, and if this show had any stones they’d get down to ballin’. Just f*ck. Please? But no, they just play some grab ass, and make dumb jokes about the cock statue and that’s that. Ugh. Why do I bother? Is this the end to this subplot? And Christian says goodbye to the ladies that aren’t really there. Seriously, go back and tell Sean you want that ass. Just do it. Be brave. Make us happy. *sigh*

Next – Sean’s drunk.

Nip/Tuck airs on FX Tuesday nights at 10pm e/p.