Nip/Tuck: Extreme Makeover (Whore Edition)

By J. Harvey

Previously – Rosie O’Donnell returned, and was alternately attacked by an eagle and had her rump wrangled by an “ass bandit”, Kate was revealed to be a compulsive eater despite her gastric bypass, Turbo-ho and general psychopath Eden continued her campaign to get Sean into bed by psychologically torturing Annie and getting her expelled, and Christian’s gigolo career took an icy turn when a particularly wacky client almost died on his watch

Christian is faced with Jai from Queer Eye. I’m glad he got some work. He’s a friend of Eden’s. She’s sitting there in this black top, and if she’s 18 then I’m Marilyn McCoo. Eden’s here supporting her “bgf” (Best Gay Friend). Jai explains that he started off as her “stylist/consultant” and got promoted or something. Is that how it works? Friendship? You get PROMOTED? Damn, Eden’s a sick bitch. Eden doesn’t want Sean to know that she’s here. Anyway, Jai has a purple dinner plate size nipple he wants taken care of. He won’t go to the beach, pool or wear button-downs. Even if they’re Marc Jacobs. Enough with THAT guy! Make a t-shirt in an actual large and we’ll talk, asshole!

More Nip/Tuck, after the jump!

Christian refers him to another plastic surgeon and Eden asks Jai to leave so she can “handle this”. We know what that means. She’s “handled” a lot in her short lifetime. All sizes. Christian calls her on her bullshit. She replies that she’ll tell Sean that he slept with Julia. Remember that whole “I need to get over you” sunset on the beach thing? At this point, would Sean even care? I mean, Christian sleeping with Julia is like Christian having his car detailed. It just gets done when it needs to. Eden’s wearing a GIGANTIC belt buckle. Huge. I know it’s the style but there’s no way she’s not going to have an issue at the airport with that accessory. Eden wants Christian to do the surgery free of charge. Christian notes that he’s not Sean, and he doesn’t play by those rules and she’ll get hurt. Seriously, where’s Jacqueline Bisset’s organ thieving ring when you need them? Christian’s got a potential fresh one for them.

Meanwhile – back at Matt and Kimber’s drug fiesta, the beat goes on. Matt has one of those actually floating drug-taking montages straight from “Trainspotting” and please. The baby’s crying and being ignored. Matt goes to check. She’s a cute, fat baby. Kimber is “visualizing” getting high again to “attract” more drugs. She’s smoking a fake pipe. She has this whole explanation. She looks like fried hell and I think it’s fantastic. I could watch junkies run around like berserk chickens all day. Their dealer shows up, and Kimber’s babbling on about “visualization” and Matt reveals they can’t pay. Is it bad that Matt and Kimber are infinitely more interesting as characters now that they’re junkies? Probably. Hopefully they’re Mickey and Mallory-type serial killers next season. Honestly, I can’t blame Kimber. No one ever talks about how the Carver reversed all her plastic surgeries without anesthesia. I’d go to the rock too, after that one. Anyway, the dealer wants some of that “back-door” action he’s seen in Kimber’s movies as payment. And he doesn’t mean the door to the three season porch.

Matt freaks after Kimber asks the dude “do you want straight sex or anal?” So I guess she’s cool with it. Matt kicks him out and goes off on Kimber. She cries and knows where they can get some real cash. Meanwhile, Olivia is finally trying to reprimand her crazy daughter. We get this classic exchange:

Olivia: (about the blackmail) You’ve put Julia and I in a very uncomfortable position.

Eden: Maybe you’re just using the wrong dildo, Mom.

This show needs to be on ABC Family with wholesome dialogue like that. Eden tells her completely ineffectual mother that she’s 18 and will make her own decisions. Like whether to drive tweens into bulimia and blackmail plastic surgeons. You know, normal teenage stuff. Julia and Christian discuss the blackmail. Julia wants to tell, but Christian thinks it would be the end of their friendship. The very end of “Nip/Tuck”! Is it really that serious? We find out that Sean’s actually engaged to hot tub-spoiling Kate. Eden says she won’t tell Sean if Olivia dumps Julia. Eden feels that Julia isn’t gay. As does the rest of the nation. Basically the three of adults in the room are useless. Portia De Rossi has a nice shoulder. Ellen’s a lucky woman. Olivia says Sean’s the innocent in all of this.

Meanwhile, cut to Sean banging Kate. And it ain’t goin’ well. These two need to cut their losses. Kate’s still wearing big t-shirts to bed. Kate calls Sean on visualizing someone else when he got off. He’s probably visualizing a woman not wearing an XXL caftan to bed. She doesn’t need it. She needs to bring sexy back, not Hanes Beefy Ts. Sean makes a huge mistake and tells her that he was VISUALIZING JULIA?!?! This is going to be one hell of a wedding. Kate wants to know what turns Sean on. And by god, he tells her. He basically describes Eden without naming her. Kate is kinda… ok, going to sleep.

Sean is confronted with Eden the next day. She got Jai his surgery. This is kinda weird when you can just step off the elevator and watch a surgery. What if something goes wrong and there’s a blood fountain and someone has their kid in with them when they get their consulation about their eyebrow lift? Nightmares! Sean barges into the operating room and starts going off. Is that sanitary? Also, why is Eden dressed like a mariachi band? Christian lies and says that Chaz is a stylist to the stars and it will bring in clients. Is Eden an actress? Well, yeah, but I mean does she get paid for it? I’m confused. Christian accuses Sean of acting like a jealous boyfriend. Sean tells Christian to never lie like that again. Good luck with that, Sean.

Meanwhile, in the porn producer’s office. Bo Duke! Yay! John Schneider! He has a neon sign that says “Penetrate” on his wall, and several Adult Video News awards. I seriously want a neon sign that says “Penetrate”. Can you get that at Restoration Hardware? Kimber flirts with Bo Duke, and the baby starts crying. That’s sexy. What is that weird three dots tattoo Matt has on his neck? Is that a tina freak thing, or a Scientology leftover? Bo Duke’s name is “Ram”. Of course it is. This ain’t “Smallville”. Matt’s now Kimber’s “manager”. Manager of rock! Anyway, baby Jenna is crying and of course, neither Kimber nor Matt thought about packing a diaper bag. Dumb junkies! Never fear, there’s a daycare! Porn is family friendly. Some slut comes in to change the kid’s diaper. Kimber just waves her baby away. Kimber wants back in the business. “Ram” doesn’t think she’s ready. Because he knows she’s on the crystal. And finally we sorta get the story of what happened to Matt and Kimber. It’s like a Steve Miller song!

Kimber explains that Scientology took all of their money. I blame Tom Cruise. And that the church didn’t satisfy her need to be special and complete. That’s a tall order. At the same time? So she started doing meth to lose the baby weight from Jenna. On the recommendation of a friend. Some friend! She says meth takes the pain away. Ram’s idea is for MATT to do porn? Apparently, he saw Matt in the “pregnancy video”? And he’s “packing a firehose” down there? The Michael Jackson looking guy who plays Matt must have LOVED that line. Damn! Thanks, Bo Duke! Kimber counters that guys don’t make money in porn. Well, not STRAIGHT porn. HAH! Matt’s like, hell to the nah. He can make 5K, though. That’ll buy some tina! Matt looks terrified, and this is sorta turning me on. Ok, I’m totally pervy.

Sean’s meeting with some guy with some CRAZY looking scratches on his back. He got them at a swinger’s party. Ugh. Look, there’s a huge difference between swinger’s parties on TV and in real life. No one this attractive swings. It’s normally truckers from Fresno, and obsese women who write fan-fic about “Webster”. Anyway, this guy’s parties are different. It’s middle-aged white couples tussling with hot black guys. Christian throws “exploitation” out there. But swinger guy says this is no “Mandingo” moment. Everyone pays dues or whatever. And he goes into how it works. Blah blah blah, making couples happy and the women in LA suck anyways. Sean gets a bright idea.

KImber’s at home doing the usual junkie activity of tearing up the carpet looking for some rock they might have dropped. Check behind the radiator where you probably tied the baby at one point, crackhead. Actually, she’s looking for loose change. We get Junkie Playhouse 101, in which Matt yells at Kimber for spending the baby food money on drugs. Get that rear end ready Matt, it’s showtime! Matt is having a dark night of the soul moment, and decides to go for it.

Sean goes home to find Kate dressed like Schoolgirl Eden. She “forgot to wear panties”. And so it goes! Sean is cooking naked post romp. With an apron on. But still. You know, maybe it’s just me…but I don’t want pubic hair near my tuna melt. Kate says she wanted to make Sean happy. So Sean brings up the swinger party. And Kate is kinda into it. She seems down to earth in this one. So I like her. I’ll never forgive her for the hot tub clouding, but we can move on from here.

Meanwhile, we realize that the torturer has her own torturer. Eden is showing off a new dress to vile Jai and he tells her the new size is “negative 2″ and she looks fat. Ouch. Her secret pain! Where does this queen get off. Gays who twerk that actually have vagina envy and it comes out as crazy misogyny. Christian walks in and asks if he’s interrupting “Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition”. He should write this column. Eden wants lipo. Jai agrees. And Eden’s going to get lipo. Or else post a video of Julia and her Mom having sex on XTube. Christian’s more concerned by the fact that Julia admits Olivia’s better than Christian on the tape. Yeah, she has a camera in their bedroom. Daughter of the Year!

Sean is operating on Swinger Guy. Liz judges when they find a fingernail in his cut. Gross. Sean is interrogating Swinger Guy about how it all works. Uh, can you concentrate on repairing the gashes on my back and I’ll send you an e-mail later? Damn. Meanwhile, at the gay porn set (how often do you hear that) – Matt has taken an enema and about to get down to business. This show goes there. He’s going to play a car thief who gets strip-searched. Hee. Kimber shows up in sweatsuit and wants to speak to Matt. It’s ok, because Jenna is with “Busty”. The daycare operator also does DP’s. Great. Jenna’s going to turn out to be a completely well-adjusted individual. Ram gives her ten minutes to talk, because he has a foot fetish video to shoot as well. Kimber harangues Matt for making 5K for being a “sloppy bottom”. Ok, Kimber knows WAY too much about Matt and it’s so obvious that a gay guy writes every single episode of this mess. Kimber reveals that she spoke to Xenu Inc. and they can get back in. Matt just wants to be a good father and a good husband. You are, she assures him. Remember – how can you tell when a junkie’s lying? Bitch’s lips are moving!

Meanwhile, back at the office – Jai is continuing to convince Eden she needs an inch off her incredibly small waist. This guy should have been the fitness instructor at Dachau. Eden wants to get a boob job, but Queenie McTorture assures that “fake tits are so 97″. Christian enters and hooks Eden up with some hot new diet pills. He also gives her Xanax, and Perks. Damn, I need this doctor. She wants two free refills. Score! Blackmail problem solved.

Kate and Sean are at the swingers party. There’s a big wheel in the front yard. Nice touch. Kate establishes a safeword. She’s got some secrets, huh? The party is…weird. It’s basically like your Mom and Dad are getting down with Tyrese. No cell phones or cameras. Sean and Kate are the most attractive people there. Sean Is faced with some dude smacking the ass of a wide lady in red. “She yours?” Uh no. They wander the party and find the kid’s room?!?! Ok, picture this scene. A trio comes in, and the black gentleman is astride the wife while the husband feels up the stuffed animals from the bed and watches. Sean calls the safeword. LOUDLY. Back home, he’s upset. And calls Kate on wanting to try it. Sean says he thought it was sick. And Kate brings up how she dressed like a schoolgirl. And they get into secrets. A lot of secrets. He brings up the hot tub. Good, it needs to be brought up. Sean has a flat ass. She’s going to get fat again. Julia’s a lesbian because of Sean. Sean only asked Kate to marry him because he was scared. That one didn’t fly.

Back at the Crystal Palace, Matt is daydreaming about having a clean apartment with plenty of baby formula. In reality, they’re having a junkie conversation because they’re high as kites. Oh, and they got money for drugs because Kimber is walking into the next room to have sex with their dealer. Right. Drugs? Bad. Bad, bad, bad. Eden’s bags are packed. Because Olivia is shipping her ass out. Christian set her up as a thief and a junkie. She walks into an intervention. And in rehab for six weeks. Or Christian will press charges. HAH! Checkmate, sucka! Eden promises that when she gets back, Sean will know everything. From a lying-ass junkie. Sure, that will work.

Christian returns home to find Sean enjoying a booze drink on their gay veranda. Sean tells him the wedding’s off, and that he never got over Julia. He’s still in love with her. Really, asks Christian? Uh yeah, it’s the premise of the show. And why is everyone so into her ass? She’s wishy-washy and irritating. Am I wrong?

Next – Nip/Tuck goes reality show! “Plastic Fantastic”! With New York! Not the state or the city, but the reality ho! Sign me up!