Previously – Well the big news is that Julia figured out that Eden was poisoning her so Eden shot her. That’s some “American Justice with Bill Kurtis” on A&E shit! Oh, and Sean is being stalked by Sharon Gless, the crazy teddy bear murderer. No, she makes teddy bears and murders people. Oh, and Christian has a daughter he never knew about from the Ozarks or something. And Matt is sleeping with her. Yes, he knows it’s his half-sister. What do you want, it’s Nip/Tuck!
By J. Harvey
It’s that time again, The Nip/Tuck season finale! And my whole season just got made when Jennifer Coolidge refers to her lop-sided tits as “Gail” and “Bozina”. Can I stop writing now? I could probably just stop here, right? Oh, and her lips are messed up to. She refers to herself as a “human leaning towar of Pisa” and says that she has to use every bit of her strength not to “keep going around in circles”. My comedy prayers have been answered. Her eyes are messed up too. She looks like “Liza on crack”. Can I just give you the script for this episode and send you on your way? I know when I’m beat. Jennifer Coolidge is Candy Richards, an actress who appeared as Sean’s co-star on an episode of “Hearts and Scalpels”. She went to Bangkok for plastic surgery. Isn’t that kind of like having your baby in a ditch out in the woods? She didn’t want the tabloids to find out. Christian has the ultimate celebrity putdown for her: “I’m sorry, I have no idea who you are”. Sean reminds Christian that Candy was the “Pussy Lips” episode. Candy reminds us that she’s had a recurring role on every nighttime drama since “Judging Goddamn Amy”. Julian McMahon gets my Emmy nod for merely shaking his head in amazement at every bizarre thing she says. Anyway, they cut her up. To the strains of “Fame”. God, what a hot song.
As they operate, Christian reveals he’s taking an acting class. The gang discusses fame and how it’s the only important thing in L.A. A cop shows up. Two cops. One’s hot. They spill the news that Julia took a bullet. I hope everyone immediately suspects Eden. “Dirt” is the ultimate example of a show that should be amazing but tripped at the starting gate. No matter how gorgeous Courtney Cox’s hair looks. Anyway, back at Willowy Lesbian Headquarters, Eden is spinning a web of lies about how Julia shot herself. She’s claiming to the cop that Julia said she was a burden and shot herself in front of her. Oh you dirty douche. Olivia is there believing every word of it because they basically asked Portia De Rossi to play the Stupidest Woman In the World this season. Eden is putting on a good act, but the policewoman notes that the bullet was at an odd angle. Eden claims it was because she was trying to knock her arm away. Eden’s still wearing that very odd big pants tiny sleeveless turtleneck outfit. Are 18 year olds in Los Angeles really dressing like old school Katherine Hepburn’s stunt double?
More Nip/Tuck, after the jump.
Sean flips and demands Eden tell him what really happened. Olivia gets involved, and tells Sean he never really knew Julia. She brings up his “lying and cheating”. Seriously, she ain’t joining Mensa anytime soon. Julia’s alive by the way, and Christian is with her. Christian believes that Julia may actually have done it. He thinks that she was depressed because of her illness, and that for the first time she didn’t have either of them. Sean tells him he’s an egomaniac and that she wouldn’t end it just because he dumped her. Again. Where’s Wheat Toast Annie and Lobster Claw Boy? Who’s watching the kids? Julia’s coma could last until the end of time by the way. Luckily, she’ll probably miss any disgusting new developments on this show. Seriously, this season we had incest, cannibalism, porn stars punching each other as they orgasm, and Joan Van Ark’s face. It was new depths all around.
There’s a legless woman in a wheelchair in Christian’s office claiming she knows him from 1982. Christian was underage in 1982? Doubtful. She says she served him a drink in a bar in Ft. Lauderdale. Who goes there for Spring Break? The date rape laws are way too strict and you can’t get good coke anymore! Heather McCartney over here claims that Christian was her first. Christian replies that he thinks he would remember sleeping with somebody as “dynamic” as her. He motions to her missing legs as he says this. He’s all class, that one. She lost her legs to diabetes in 98. She has a photo of them together from way back in the Vision Street Wear days. And she saw his recent layout in “Playgirl”. Wow, he’s lived. Anyway, she spills the news that Emmy’s her daughter and she’s banging Matt and they’re in love. And someone needs to throw a bucket of water on those two crazy kids before some really interesting-looking babies are born.
Here’s Wheat Toast Annie. She looks mildly retarded as she admires the fish in Sean’s office. Oh, she doesn’t know yet. Just shoot her, too. She also sounds Swedish or something. Who is this actress? Isn’t she a little old to be referring to Julia as “Mommy”? Fer chrissakes, Eden had her blowing boys out behind the athletic equipment shed earlier this season. Before Sean can tell Annie that Julia’s allegedly tried to air out her own brains, Sharon Gless shows up. Sharon is currently dueling with Liz out in the lobby. Sean tells her she needs to get off the premises. Sharon wants her wrists repaired, and it’s a howl because she still gets the “Exorcist”-type theme music. She’s babbling about how she’s from Ohio and doesn’t have insurance and wants to open up a bed and breakfast. Sharon Gless rips the phone off the desk, and calls Sean “murderer” and Christian helps Sean toss her ass out. Christian calls her “freak” as he goes back in. He’s obviously still upset that she said he was a bad actor. Sharon Gless’ mad scene ends with her sucking her pinky. Did you know Restylane will correct the wrinkles in your mouth and enable you to ride a mechanical bull with abandon? That’s what this FX commercial just told me.
The Troy family gathers for a heartwarming tableau of incest and recrimination and defiance. Christian demands Matt stop sleeping with his sister. Legless Spring Break Lady and Emmy are there too. Christian’s beachfront home has handicap access? Doubtful. I’m surprised they didn’t meet in the driveway. Emmy protests that she didn’t know he was her brother when she banged him. Matt is going on and on about a chemical reaction of souls or some bullshit and didn’t he just set himself on fire when his poorly constructed meth lab exploded? Is he really in a good headspace right now to be making these snap judgements? Matt says he doesn’t believe Emmy’s his sister. But Legless Spring Break has a DNA test. Everyone’s skeeved out. Matt bounces, and Emmy’s running after him. Gross. I’m sorry, that is the fakest beachfront background outside that I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen better backdrops in community theatre. Christian and Legless Lady have a drink. It would be kinda cool if they did it again. Why not? She has needs.
Christian’s filming “Hearts and Scalpels” and there’s a guy with a camera in his ass courtesy of Russell Crowe. Seriously, this poor actor had to act with a camera in his butt. For this he went to Julliard? It’s all fun and games (Sean’s character says they should save the camera because “it’s a damn good Leica”) until Sharon Gless passes him a scalpel. AAAIIEEEEEEHHHH!!!! Oh, she’s so going to be found dead at the end of this episode and Sean’s going to be arrested. She gets dragged off the set. Can Sharon Gless get Annie? Ok, I’ll stop. Christian and Legless Spring Break are downing tequila. Legless Spring Break is actually listening to Christian’s problems. Legless Spring Break talks about Christian peeing on her back. What? Is that a Judge Judy line? She starts crying about not having legs. They start making out. And we get some graphic footage of Christian’s cherubic ass ramming hard between her…stumps. Amputee ladies everywhere cheer! The next day, Legless Spring Break wakes up angry. Especially after Christian mentions how drunk he was the night before. She admits she gets drunk every night, and is actually happy she got some. But she wants him to operate on her. To give her a youthful face back. Do they EVER charge anymore? How is Christian affording this beachhouse with no revenue coming in?
Jennifer Coolidge is fixed. She’s “the bomb” and just got a part on “The Ghost Whisperer”. Oh god bless her. Remember the talent agent that Sharon Gless turned into a human teddy bear in that incredibly grotesque yet slapstick murder? Well, his boyfriend’s here. He doesn’t seem too upset. The boyfriend doesn’t believe “Bob” went to Darfur. Sean mentions that maybe he just left him. I love how gay this show is because it drops gay lingo like “he didn’t run off with some twink”. HAH! Then again, only homosexuals could think up half this shit. Teddy Bear Dead Guy Bob’s boyfriend thinks the email Bob sent was faked and doesn’t know who did it. Sean has an idea. So is Annie waiting behind the fishtank? I mean, it’s the next say. Did he get around to telling her? Oh who cares, she probably doesn’t even speak English.
Sean gets home and you know Sharon Gless is lurking. Actually no, it’s Teddy Bear Dead Guy’s body. In Sean’s closet. Ageing badly. When is Eden going to get her comeuppance? Oh who am I kidding, Christian will probably be dating her next season. Meanwhile at the body dump, Christian tells him that he’s paying for a new armoire. The cops state that Sharon Gless’ passport was scanned at the Tijuana border crossing. Yeah, right. Christian tells Sean that fame is wrecking his life. Are there lives kinda already wrecked? There’s no stability here. They operate on Legless Spring Break. Christian and Sean discuss Matt. Liz is grossed out. Me, too. Liz actually gives them a pep talk? Oh you can tell this is a season ender when Liz is giving bold speeches about how wonderful they are. In her defense, she does note their lack of integrity. Julia’s awake! You mean Eden didn’t mess with her IV drip yet? You know that’s coming.
Olivia tells Eden that Julia’s awake. Eden is dressed like she just got through riding Seabiscuit around the lawn. And Eden breaks down, and maybe tells Oliva what a truly psychotic bitch she is. Cut to Jennifer Coolidge noting that there’s paparazzi outside the lobby door. Can she become a regular next season? She doesn’t want them blogging her big exit. She called them. The photogs don’t react to her. Sean is attacked though about Shawn and Julia. Wow. I get Britney’s craziness, though. Annie says how scared she is. I’m scared too. I’m not sure how she even dresses herself. It’s ok, because Julia has amnesia. Of course she does. By the way, “The Ruins” looks absolutely terrifying to me for some reason. Plants are scary.
Christian takes Annie away, as Sean goes to speak with Julia. We get to see Julia’s grotesque scar. Ugh. And he lubes up her scar. She asks if he’s a doctor. Sean explains who he is. He also lies that they’re still married. Uh, why is he starting off like this? What about Olivia? Why is everyone so very demented on this show? Christian has to deal with a piece of burlap in his car. The paps attack the car thinking he’s Sean, and I am probably going to hell because when Christian jets off they get hit broadside. Did they really kill the daughter off? Holy shite. Someone reads these recaps at Ryan Murphy’s production company?
Matt and Emmy are back at her hotel, obviously gearing up to do it. She wants to, he claims he doesn’t. He actually talks about going to Georgia to visit her in the future. I wouldn’t call that a vacation. She mentions that they wouldn’t be the only inbreds in the mountains where she’s from. She makes a good, albeit horrendous, point. He tries to reassure her. She kisses him as he tries to leave because incest is beautiful. He’s never going to get his little girl out of the porn star daycare this way. Seriously where are Kimber and Ram this episode? Just goes to show there are a lot of really ridiculous plotlines going on. Far too many to include those two in the season finale.
Christian’s in the OR with a broken collarbone talking to Sean. Sean’s blaming himself because he actually got a life this season. Sean reveals that he quit “Hearts and Scalpels”. Annie’s fine. She just has a gash on her head. Don’t worry, toast bounces back. Will Sean tell her that he and Mommy are married again and the really dumb lesbian and her crazy daughter are going away due to his lies? We get Annie’s scar operated on footage. Gross. Where’s Sharon Gless? Oh, right, there she is. As Sean is talking about how he wants to settle down with his own home out here, Sharon Gless turns him into shish kebob with a gigantic knife! Typical. Sean is spewing gore like a bloody Yellowstone geyser! How come everyone’s always casting the butch cut menopausal women as psychotics? She just wanted some love! Kebab? Fame! Does this mean Eden’s not getting punched in the face by Julia? They seriously shot a mercury-poisoned woman whose hair was falling out in the head. This season sorta sucked.
Thank you for joining me for another truly disgusting season of Nip/Tuck! All your lovely comments made the perversion possible to stomach! Cheers!