Nip/Tuck: Face Off

Previously – Oh where to begin? Uh, Christian and Julia are together despite Julia being in a lesbian relationship and Sean’s pissed. Sean was sleeping with Julia’s lesbian lover’s teenage daughter Eden. Who’s evil and nuts and poisoning Julia with fruitcake. Sean acts/consults on a primetime drama called “Hearts And Scalpels” and his producer is Oliver Platt who’s highly gay yet dating Rosie O’Donnell’s character. Have I left anything out? Oh god yeah. Matt and Kimber were hooked on the Scientology and then on the meth (I’d rather meth) until Kimber got clean, went back into porn, took their infant daughter away from him and won’t let Matt see her. Matt set himself on fire with a homemade meth lab, survived and now has a disfigured Israeli burn counseler named Rachel. Have I covered everything? Damn, a lot happened in the 2007 half of this completely ridiculous show!

Happy New Year! Nip/Tuck’s back! And Matt’s burn counselor Rachel is in the office with really bad facial pain. Sean’s checking her out and she screams when touched. Dude, it’s hard to quip about that. Remember that kid David from the 80’s whose dickhead father pulled one of those totally evil and pathetic “if I can’t have you no one can” scenes and set him on fire in his bed? And David had no face left, but he needed to triumph over adversity? Which he totally did, but still I had friggin’ nightmares about having my face burned off. What a horrible thing to happen. Matt’s crispy chick is bringing it all back. Know what’s funny, though? Remember they case they had where they did the face transplant that didn’t work? And the girl they were working on had her visage TORN OFF in an amusement park accident? And they didn’t show her? How goddamn worse could it have been than this woman’s mug?

It turns out it has something to do with her nerves in her face, and Matt informs her that his Dad is one of the top whatever she’s got going on guys in the country. Christian pops in to taunt Matt about choosing Sean to operate on Rachel over him. Rachel sternly reminds his ass that she’s not here for facial resconstruction. Can I mention that I like how they always write Matt as non-judgey about people? Seriously, he’s a whiny douchebag but he does always befriend the underdog, whether it be lesbian cheerleaders, white supremacist chicks, trannies, or disfigured ladies. Wait, I sense an odd pattern. These are all (in mind anyway) women. I think Matt likes em’ complicated. Sean’s curt because Christian and Julia are “in love” and says he has it covered. Christian notes that it’s actually a tooth that’s bothering Rachel. Sean sees that it’s an incisor, and she mentions that she didn’t lose any incisors in the bombing that messed her up. However, she deduces that it’s probably from someone else who died in the blast. Yes, she has a dead person’s tooth caught in her face. Happy New Year and welcome back to Nip/Tuck!

More Nip/Tuck after the jump!

We’re back on the set of “Hearts and Scalpels” and the fantastic Bradley Cooper (who deserves a guest star Emmy for this performance) is over-acting up a storm. Oh and they’re replacing a woman’s clitoris with her big toe because he wants her “cumming hard”. Brilliant. Rosie O’Donnell screams “cut!” and wants Sean to have Aidan’s (Bradley Cooper) lines. She’s wearing a silver tracksuit and looks like overeating disco ball. The British director asks her not to do that and she explains she’s a producer now and that if she wants his opinion the topic will be “bad teeth”. The British can’t quite shake that stereotype now, can they? Watch for her to kick a smelly Frenchman in the balls in the next scene.

Rosie assaults Aidan verbally and he calls her a “beast” and an animal. She wants more reality, and Sean explains that this really happened in their office. Oliver Platt swishes in dressed like Missy Elliot and followed by a twink. Oh oh. Aidan refers to Rosie as “his twin” and says she’s messing up his “magic sauce”. We all realize that Nip/Tuck is basically a comedy this season, right? Oliver’s almost in tears because “Hearts And Scalpels” has been asked to ride on a float in the West Hollywood Gay Pride parade. No one else is very impressed. Rosie asks why he’d want to be in that parade. He spins some bullshit web of lies and Rosie is trying to put the kibosh on Oliver in the parade. Aidan protests because you know he’s had a few cigars in the tunnel if you know what I mean. Oliver stomps off to sulk as Rosie and Aidan fight over gays. That sounded weird.

Sean, brilliant in someone else’s love life if not his own incredibly twisted one, suggests Oliver invite Rosie to sit on the float with him. Oliver explains that it’s a tiny float only big enough for him and Aidan. Oh lord. Meanwhile back in Been There Done That Land, Christian and Julia are making loud love. We realize it’s loud because Julia’s nose just started shooting blood and she’s yelling. Christian is completely unmoved and says they’ve been to three doctors and no one thinks Julia’s sick despite these nosebleeds. Eden is so evil. I hope Julia summons up her carjacked by a perv at gunpoint balls and punches her squarely in the nose. Christian starts yelling at her that it’s all psychosomatic because she hasn’t told Olivia yet about them. She’s pissed and hides in the bathroom. The bathroom door is like made of corkboard, that’s weird. And ugly. But you could hang stuff on it, which is neat.

And his bathroom is constructed of tiles that look like gray bricks. Who designed this can? He begs for her forgiveness through the bulletin board as she washes a lot of blood off her hands. The next day, Christian is faced with McNamara/Troy’s new receptionist, a pair of boobs with a woman attached. But the woman’s not important. The tits are named Bettina. And Christian imagines putting his face in them. She’s talking about her nipples. And Sean so hired her because of them to entrap Christian. Brilliant! Christian wants her fired. Christian notes that he’ll fall back into old patterns and cheat on Julia. Sean won’t fire her.

Sean is operating on Rachel and they’re practically playing “Hava Nagila” on the soundtrack and we get it, she’s a Jew. Sean and Liz discuss suicide bombers like the one that disfigured Rachel. It’s like an NBC One To Grow On except with scalpels and a lesbian wielding anesthesia. Sean has a creepy delusion about the suicide bomber talking to him and telling him that the tooth in Rachel’s face was his and we get a whole diatribe about why he blew himself up in her face. What an asshole.

Christian’s talking to Julia on the phone, and she has some new symptom of being poisoned by Eden and he’s uncaring. Bettina asks him if he wants his messages in the same voice you would ask someone if they wanted oral. He reads his messages in his office as he bangs her. That didn’t take long. Maybe Christian should never be in a relationship. Christian then fires her for getting Julia’s name wrong. He should also never run the human resources department. You know, I wanted to see “Cloverfield” a lot more when it was more mysterious. Now they practically have the monster in a full spotlight sitting down to read you the screenplay.

Sean’s speaking to a patient in the lobby when Rachel rolls up, yelling that “he can’t stay inside me”. If she means Matt, then go on Rachel! And way to get some and get gone! So they’re both convinced it was definitely the bomber’s tooth? She’s freaking out about her anger. She can’t sleep, etc. It turns out she had a body scan done, and more than his tooth got inside her. Ugh. Double ugh. She feels like she got his anger inside her, too. I’d worry more about the bone fragments. This shit is gross. Sorry. She wants him out of her. They keep showing that scary suicide bomber, and this show is really giving fanatical Muslim terrorists a bad name.

We see the body scan and she really is filled with suicide bomber. Sean painstakingly removes each piece. Christian comes in to assist and says that what they’re removing could be considered remains and maybe someone should be notified. Bettina’s boobs are still in the house and Christian asks whether he fired her or not. Sean explains that he made an “inappropriate sexual overture” and rather than get sued, he kept the boobs on. Christian wants Sean to deal with his anger. Maybe by hate-f*cking him. Yeah, they’re still gay. Sean wants Christian to stay out of his way and his surgeries. Rosie O’Donnell’s in the office, the boobs tell us. MOST RECEPTIONISTS DON’T CARESS DOOR FRAMES WHEN THEY DELIVER MESSAGES!

Rosie has motorcycle tracks up her face. Apparently a lesbian on a Harley ran her over. Oliver Platt is crying and saying how something so terrible happened on such a beautiful day. Heh. I love how Nip/Tuck staged a bargain basement gay pride parade. It’s on a rainy backlot, with high nrg dance music, a few trannies, some go-go boys, and Aidan pretending to roger Oliver Platt’s rear on a convertible. Aidan’s dressed like Freddie Mercury, I think I’m in love. Rosie O’Donnell’s on the sidelines portraying a woman who is skeeved out by the gay as opposed to the woman she actually is who tends to be annoyed by straight people. I’ve been on her cruise, I sensed it. Rosie was standing behind the Gods Hates Fags contingent and there to make sure no one gave Oliver Platt roofies. Can these two get their own show and have every episode be at Pride? Rosie freaks out about Aidan feeling up Oliver Platt and pursues their float through the parade. A Dyke on A Bike accidentally runs her face over. Seriously, we’ll call it Rosie Loves Oliver and they’ll own an apartment complex in West Hollywood.

Oliver tries to convince Rosie it was an accident and the lesbian in question should be forgiven. Why wasn’t Julia and Olivia and their sham relationship at that parade? Sean snaps at Oliver that Rosie can stay angry and not forgive anyone. The ghostly suicide bomber congratulates him. He shouldn’t have his own show. Christian brings Julia sushi and sake or something in the gayest looking carafe ever. Sean comes home to the sushi love fest. And Sean imagines himself wearing a bomb. Way to use a terrible conflict to provide a cheesy metaphor for Sean’s anger, Nip/Tuck. Oh my god, that Diane Lane movie with the Internet killer looks so bad that I have to see it. What’s with the lesbian haircut she’s twerking? Did she run over Rosie O’Donnell with a Harley?

Oliver Platt is in the reception area when Liz enters to give her customary free to be gay speech of the month. She’s there to take Oliver to Rosie and to comment that she saw how proud he was at the parade. I hope she was there with Olivia and they had plenty of margaritas afterwards and Liz had some sushi of her own. Seriously, Julia’s all up in Christian’s crib drinking sake. Bitch can only wonder where she went for so long before she needs to break out. Liz asks Oliver Platt to look into her eyes and tell her he’s not gay. I love me some Liz. I might even forgive her for wigging out and trying to kill the kidney-stealing gangster from last season which was completely out of character. Oliver asks for takeout menus. Liz is disgusted.

Sean gives Rachel the terrorist’s remains. She’s going to return the terrorist’s remains to his family but talks about how hard forgiveness is. Sean says she doesn’t have to. Hold that anger in! Burn it bright! Sean gives her the address. She has to do it. Rosie is trying to convince Oliver that she was targeted by a “heterophobic”. They have a name for us now? Kidding. The lesbian who rode her motorcycle over Rosie’s face shows up with flowers of apology that her gay brother probably grew. Jan Tooney, which is a lesbian name if I’ve ever heard one, explains that if Rosie sues her it means her daughter won’t go to Yale. Her daughter’s name is Felicity, which is a daughter of a lesbian name if I ever heard one. Oliver defends the lesbian. Oliver deduces that Rosie is actually angry at him. Rosie tells him that her fear that he’s gay isn’t subconscious and that she knew if he went to Pride they were over. Sad face. Oliver explains he was overtaken by the dancing, music and feathers. Seriously, Boston’s gay pride is so lame compared to the one on Nip/Tuck’s backlot.

Oliver comes out, and explains that the “gay lightbulb” went on. Why does this seem like the most realistic, touching relationship on the show. She explains that she’s been falling in love with gay guys all her life and she’s jealous because they know where they belong and she doesn’t. Seriously, I’m tearing up. Until Rosie smacks him. There. All better. YAY! Gina’s back! Sean hired her as receptionist. Oh I love you Sean. For those not in the know, Gina is the mother of Christian’s son, who is not actually his son but he ended up winning custody because she’s an HIV positive sex addict. Happy New Year! Nip/Tuck’s back! Gina just got her California real estate license and thinks working there would be good to meet clients. Sean hired her because she fit Christian’s hiring requirements. Someone he would never want to screw.

Christian refers to Sean as a “bitchy little cheerleader”, and wants them to have it out. They get into an operating room fistfight. It’s some Buffy type shit with the taller Christian throwing Sean around the room like a ragdoll. Liz breaks it up with a fire extinguisher. Gay therapist, firefighter. Oh my god, I would rather watch potatoes sprout ears than watch Jessica Alba play a blind woman. Seriously, she’s ponderous. Dawn bought Liz a bike! Liz explains that she doesn’t ride bikes. It’s actually for Jan Tooney. She’s also paying for a year of Jan’s daughter Felicity’s tuition. And they mention that Rosie gave Liz her kidney. And she wants to start some kind of organization in which organ donors to gays get togther with the gays they gave organs too. That’ll be popular.

We see a picture of what Rachel looked like before the crisping. It turns out she IS going to have her face rebuilt. Oh television is so fake. Matt’s pissed because his Dad is sporting a black eye, and Sean ominously says “you should see the other guy”. Matt wants Sean to kiss and tongue and makeup with Christian. He also wants Sean to operate on Rachel gratis. Sean speaks to Rachel alone. He asks her what she expects. She says something has shifted in her and she wants something more out of life, maybe even to get some. Sean assumes she’s in love with Matt and she puts that to bed. Seriously, he looks like Michael Jackson and not during the “Off The Wall” years. Sean says that the pain of being betrayed could be worse than physical pain. Uh, you’re talking to a woman MISSING A FACE. Easy there.

Christian is operating on his cut face. They’re playing “Hava Nagila” again. Sean tells Christian that he was the first person to look after him. God, these two are so gay. Just do it. Christian asks if he can help with Rachel’s surgery. And does. JUST DO IT.

Next – Hot bitch Sharon Gless is in the hizzy, I met her – she’s awesome. Eden sleeps with Aidan. Gina sleeps with Christian. Julia’s still sick. It’s a lot of banging and puking.