Nip, Pray, Tuck: Real Housewives Of Atlanta Episode Recap

Here we are, four episodes deep in The Real Housewives Of Atlanta. In this episode, we see Nene get her face and body carved up, Phaedra decked out like she is a bloated Easter egg, meet Kim’s drunk-ass dad and so much more. As usual, check out the gallery for the commentary and continue reading for a full breakdown of the episode and can we talk about that frightening baby shower?

Let’s get this going, honey…

Act 1: Nip, Tuck, Pray

Nene is at the doctor with his best friend Diana and she talks about all the pressure with her crazy-ass son Bryce. If she says “I have to get my happy back” one more time this season, I will scream. I feel like she must have heard Terry McMillan speak.

While at the doctor (plastic surgeon), Nene is getting a boob reduction and wants a bit of a tummy tuck, which will also entail some liposuction. I don’t know why she thinks she needs either of those things, but if that’s what makes her happy, then why not? Also, we finally get down to the nose. Diana doesn’t want her to do it, but I guess we know how that turned out.

I also love the quick cut to Sheree’s comment: “If I had plastic surgery every time I had marital problems, I would look like Dwight.” Snap.

Then we go to Kim’s house, where she is again wearing that horrible white lace top when her parents stop by and they all start in on Brielle for kissing her boyfriend. They oughta get on Kim’s case about her chasing Big Poppa FOR YEARS instead of finding a man that is worth a damn. And if any of them think that he is actually gonna leave his wife, they need to keep on drinking. You know what I’m saying – #winedrunk.

Cut to Sheree working on her fitness, prowling the gym for the youngsters and she talks about her last date she went on at the strip mall and she’s talking about her upcoming date…to his seminar? I’m confused, I guess I don’t remember what her date does for a living. Ah yes, a love doctor. Gulp. Date #2 should be terribly interesting.

Act II: Holy Rolling In A Stretch!

Hello, Cynthia! Her and Peter are going along with Phaedra and Dwight on some equestrian day out. And let’s talk about Phaedra and Dwight hanging out, which I really do not like. They are so absurd together, not to mention that I assume they kill puppies as part of a cult or something. A cult of big hats. Or ostentatious clothing.

However, my favorite thing about how they edit this show is that every time Phaedra makes an idiotic comment (i.e., “I’m equestrian”), they immediately cut to Nene who just shits on whatever lie she has just spouted out. The thing about Phaedra is that she is such a bitch. A Holier than Thou bitch. Where does she get off being so preachy about other people when a) her husband was in prison (so is she married to him because she’s his savior? mmm…interesting theory…) b) as a Christian, shouldn’t she just be accepting and loving?

Back to Nene going in for surgery, which she prefaces that she is frightened re: everything about surgery. Like Sheree said before, Kandi calls out Nene for dealing with her stress and strife through plastic surgery. Oh Nene…the mumbling is priceless but it is sort of sad that her husband wasn’t even there for her.

Act III: The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing…But The Rhinoplasty Did

The ladies and Peter make it to the steeple chase and I totally wanted Peter to go off on Phaedra’s dumb, mouthy ass. Have you also noticed that she never shuts up? Ever. She just fills the silence, this time she’s touting her baby shower. Cythia totally called her out too for her being her own cheerleader. I’m pretty sure that no one likes Phaedra. And I’m happy about that.

Shoot to Kandi in the studio where Kim turns up. As an aside – I like all of the new music she’s been teasing on this season. Then we get back to Kim, who has once again lost her mind by thinking that Jimmy Kimmel’s joke would be a great song idea. However, I can’t believe that Kandi proposes a mini-tour together and once again…Kim doesn’t sing in front of Kandi when asked. And God bless Kandi for saying that she’s not doing any more free labor.

Back to Nene, who had a breast reduction, liposuction and a bit of a rhinoplasty. How great was it that even in her drugged up stupor she was making a joke about Dwight’s nose? Also it was great she was calling the girls and told Sheree she could wear one of her bras. And where the fuck is Greg? It seems that perhaps Greg didn’t support Nene’s decision for plastic surgery. That’s still no excuse for him to be gone. They may be in the midst of some bad shit, but seriously…did he never love her? If he ever did, he could have been there for her.

Act IV: Dwaltzing

All I can say about this brief segment about Phaedra and Dwight dancing is that he was dressed like the vampire Lestat. The end.

Act V: Big Date, Big Hats…Big Mistake

We then go on a journey to see Sheree’s date as he hosts his seminar. Love the love doctor for calling Sheree up on the stage to put some questions to her, probably so he could see how big of a bitch Sheree is. That’s a smart move on his part! It’s gonna be interesting to see where this relationship goes. Anyone else starting to think that Sheree is impossible to be in a relationship with?

Kim then goes and visits Nene and the first thing Ms. Leakes asks is if Kim brought any wine. It’s funny to see Kim being nurturing to Nene and it’s bizarre that her son is such a dick to her while she’s convalescing. She needs to just kick him out for good. I’m tired of him and that nappy hair. And Kim is right – for once – that Greg needs to be there for his wife in their damn home. Not her friend nursing her back to health. It’s a damn shame.

Then we go to Phaedra’s baby shower, which Dwight is in charge of her party, so it ought to be horrendous and ridiculously over the top. And fugz. To the max.

And…I was right. Cynthia and Kandi show up for the big-hat extravaganza. And once again Nene is cutting the wind out of Phaedra’s sail, thankfully And it’s the return of Lisa Wu Hartwell, who looks great! She was so down to Earth, but that also means boring for Bravo.

I’ll say it again: I hate Phake-tra. This whole baby shower is absurd…

Act IV: Boughetto means Country-Ass Trash

I love Kandi for coining the term ‘boughetto,’ and I love that Phaedra is such a bitch for Kim showing up late without a hat. Phaedra, girl, you got diamonds on your eyelids – how the hell are you gonna tell somebody that they look ridiculous? And then the swan dancing started and it was so weird. It felt like a wedding…a really weird fucking wedding. And her explanation? She loves the arts. Muh-huh.

I hope to God there is never another baby shower like that…no person should have to suffer that, not even tragic Bravo reality stars.

One-Liner Of The Night Award:

This week we have a tie! The two best quotes this evening were during Nene’s recovery, when she said this gem: “Ooh, don’t hurt Michael Jackson now!”

The other came from Cynthia, with the obvious choice, of her limo ride observation: “Phaedra looked like a black Tammy Faye Baker and Dwight looked like Willy Wonka.”

Until next week peaches…