News Bites: Thanking Dad Isn’t Part Of Michael Phelps’ Game Plan

-Michael Phelps’ estranged dad says that he hasn’t talked to his superheroic waterbreathing son (pictured here at the Olympic Handover Party in London) since he left for the Beijing Olympics. Fred Phelps hasn’t really been a big part of Michael’s life since he and wife Debbie
divorced in 1992 when Aqualad was 9. Michael also tends to avoid
talking about dad and attributes his success to his Moms. I smell a
lawsuit brewing. Get that endorsement cash, Fred!

-Jenna Jameson is knocked up.
She confirmed that she is definitely carrying either the next
generation of porn star or a teetotaler feminist who will stop speaking
to Jenna at the age of 12. The baby is Jenna’s longtime boyfriend Tito Ortiz. Get this, the Us article talking about the pregnancy
says that she is a devout Catholic. HAHAHHAHHAHA. Great, the Vatican
wants me dead because I like hairy asses and this bitch can practically
have a television network in her vag. Brilliant.

-Denise Richards
is going to shit a brick. I usually loathe that phrase but it’s fitting here. Charlie Sheen and his wife of two months, Brooke Mueller,
are having a kid. HAH! Denise is going to be dressing up as a maternity
nurse and snatching that kid when its born. She’s got a soap opera mind
so it’s only fitting. Remember she reportedly wanted his sperm for a
another kid? Guess Brooke had dibs.