New Miss America, So Shiny And New…For Now

By showing up and NOT celebrating her new crown with a keg-stand on-stage, the new Miss America already seems like a nun compared to some of her cohorts in the pageant circle. In contrast to Miss USA, the now infamous Tara Conner, whose title was nearly stripped from her by one sternly-disapproving-on-the-outside-but-secretly-happy-for-the-publicity Donald Trump, Lauren Nelson announced that she would strive to regain the squeaky-clean image of beauty queens that had recently been tarnished by a string of very public fuck-ups by a bunch of Miss Something-Or-Others.

Lauren was representing the state of Oklahoma when she triumphed against her 51 other finalists, besting a total of 13,000 competitors along her way to finally snagging the tiara for herself. Let’s hope she will do her best to reaffirm to the public exactly what it means to be a beauty queen in the United States.

That’s right. Absolutely nothing.

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