New York’s Blackout: Wardrobe Essentials For The End Of The World

November 2nd, 2012 // Leave a Comment
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Sh*t’s real bad in certain parts of the east coast, and in New York City, everyone south of 40th (ish) street is just trying to survive off the essentials: That stale box of cereal from Gristede’s, half-price Halloween candy and a pile of dirty laundry that will live to see another filthy day on your back.

Jezebel created a list of what to wear for the apocalypse (which this clearly is), and we felt compelled to add to the list.

One (1) pair of leggings or any other jegging-esque bottom with an elastic waistband, which will prove reasonably comfortable during both long periods of immobility and short bursts of activity (like getting up to light candles).

One (1) pair of sweatpants with 5 days’ worth of crumbs and stains on them. Wear these whenever you are not wearing the leggings. Sleep in them. Wear them while trying to give yourself a kitchen sink-bath in the dark. Run errands in them. Do everything you can in these sweatpants and save the leggings for times when you need another human being to respond to you in a positive manner, like when hailing a cab. Do not hail a cab in sweatpants.

If these are end-of-the-world pants, then I’ve been preparing for the last ten years. 

One (1) cotton sweater for layering, preferably long enough to cover your hips and ass, which are rapidly growing thanks to your hurricane diet of cheese, peanut butter, and Halloween candy.

Hey, you’re trying to survive and resources are limited.

Three (3) pairs of beat-up old period underpants because you know those are actually the most comfortable.

Zero (0) bras.

You can use the wire for more important things, like self defense in case sh*t gets real.

AVOID:

Hairspray: bad with candles.

Makeup: you have no light, this will not end well.

Febreze: that train left the station days ago.

Leafy greens: produce will simply confuse your bowels.

Might I add avoid dry shampoo?  Let your hair get as dirty as possible.  You’ll emerge from the ashes looking like Blake Lively after a good comb-through.

By Kelly Lynch
asl

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