Michael Jackson Clears Up Some Stuff

These crazy, rehabbing starlets think they have it so tough with the media scrutiny. Well, ol’ Michael Jackson is here to show them what some vintage crazy looks like. This is a man who had theories floating around involving Liz Taylor, a chimpanzee and alien corpses. Crotch shots are mere child’s play! Since he’s a busy man, and has a lot of rumors to disprove, Michael had his spokeswoman, Raymone K. Bain, speak out on a number of reports that Jackson claims are “untrue, defamatory and malicious,” denying them all in one fell swoop. The New York Daily News was informed that Jackson:

* Is not bedridden.

* Is not on any type of medication, including painkillers.

* Has not “left” Las Vegas nor is he being “evicted” from his residence in Las Vegas. He decided not to exercise the option to purchase the house. Period.

* Does not believe that his brother Randy Jackson has stolen monies from him.

* Does not think any family members would ever steal from him.

* Has never used nor instructed his security to use force toward any reporter.

* Is neither losing nor selling his share of the ATV/Sony partnership (which includes the Beatles catalogue).

Another thing that Michael said that he was NOT is worried that his assistant Grace Rwaramba is the target of numerous attacks by Fox News’ Roger Friedman. Huh? I must confess that I so haven’t been paying any attention to Michael lately. Do we really care if he’s worried about that or not?

Find out what Michael Jackson has been doing, after the jump…

Well, in the part of the statement where it’s clarified what he is in fact up to, it turns out that:

“Jackson is currently in the studio putting finishing touches on his music … and yesterday, he met with his advisers, who included former attorney general Benjamin R. Civiletti and the Rev. Jesse L. Jackson Sr.”

Advisers? Excuse me, but Neverland is not a country, my friend. What advice could they possibly have for Michael that he might actually listen to? “Hey there, naming your kid something stupid like ‘Blanket’ probably isn’t the best idea you’ve ever had.” Either way, he doesn’t seem like someone who would take advice very well. I have a feeling that any suggestion is probably met with giggles and Michael declaring, “You sound like a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich!” before he scoots up a tree somewhere.