Madonna Hasn’t Learned A Damn Thing

March 31st, 2008 // 6 Comments

Madonna? Madge? Hey sweetie. I’m one of those gays who loves you and just about everything you do. Except your movies. They suck. They really, really blow. Baby, you can’t act. I don’t know what Evita was, and you played yourself in Desperately Seeking Susan. That was it. Your new idea, to star in a remake of Casablanca set in Iraq (!?!), is the worst film idea I’ve heard since Gus Van Sant remade Psycho.

Wasn’t Ingrid Bergman in her 20s? Bitch, you’re pushing 50! I know you’ve got some pipes on you, but damn. Ilsa Lund’s mother, maybe! She remade Swept Away and I would have rather watched footage of my parents making love. Just shill the new album, and overcharge me for tickets to your tour. I’ll be there, baby.

“She and her representatives have been touting around a project which is a remake of Casablanca. The reception has been lukewarm to say the least. No one can understand why she wants to redo what many people consider the greatest film of all time,” says a Hollywood type.

Because she’s an egomaniac! Madonna’s people won’t comment. They’re too busy being shackled to the oars of her barge and whipped harder to row faster.

Photos: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com

By J. Harvey
  1. Damn i’m early!!
    Madonna’s Beauty never fades..
    Spotted these pictures of her..
    http://www.whoozz.com/forum/Topic350-122-1.aspx?Highlight=madonna
    Nice tip for madonna fans

  2. me

    She’s starting to look just like carrot top, saw photo @ people.com with hooded coat … she really has had work.

  3. Zekers

    Are those Pokemon on her pant legs?
    …and yes, I second that emotion, no more movies.

  4. Hey Cupcake

    Hey, I love her arms. When I trained for my first Ironman, I had arms like that and was in the best shape of my life. And yeah, I’m female.

  5. Gloria Goodman

    She wants to remake CASABLANCA? I’m horrified and sick. This is one of the greatest movies ever made and this person who can’t act her way out of a paper bag, is thinking of remaking it? There ought to be a law. I hope it doesn’t happen.

    I’m disheartened at the thought of it & I’m ready to throw up…

  6. Gloria Goodman

    She wants to remake CASABLANCA? I’m horrified and sick. This is one of the greatest movies ever made and this person who can’t act her way out of a paper bag, is thinking of remaking it? There ought to be a law. I hope it doesn’t happen.

    I’m disheartened at the thought of it & I’m ready to throw up…

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