Madonna Hasn’t Learned A Damn Thing

Madonna? Madge? Hey sweetie. I’m one of those gays who loves you and just about everything you do. Except your movies. They suck. They really, really blow. Baby, you can’t act. I don’t know what Evita was, and you played yourself in Desperately Seeking Susan. That was it. Your new idea, to star in a remake of Casablanca set in Iraq (!?!), is the worst film idea I’ve heard since Gus Van Sant remade Psycho.

Wasn’t Ingrid Bergman in her 20s? Bitch, you’re pushing 50! I know you’ve got some pipes on you, but damn. Ilsa Lund’s mother, maybe! She remade Swept Away and I would have rather watched footage of my parents making love. Just shill the new album, and overcharge me for tickets to your tour. I’ll be there, baby.

“She and her representatives have been touting around a project which is a remake of Casablanca. The reception has been lukewarm to say the least. No one can understand why she wants to redo what many people consider the greatest film of all time,” says a Hollywood type.

Because she’s an egomaniac! Madonna’s people won’t comment. They’re too busy being shackled to the oars of her barge and whipped harder to row faster.