Macaroni-Gluer

August 31st, 2006 // 7 Comments

By J. Harvey

Previously – Family members were subjected to this insanity, and let’s just say that Jeffrey isn’t on Angela’s mother’s Xmas card list.

Robert (Not The) Best is gone, and Kayne’s slightly floppy manboobs are melancholy about it but still striving for the win. Laura greases her flip, and discusses her pregnancy with secret agent Uli. Laura camera-defiants that having children has never stopped her from moving forward in the past and this pregnancy won’t stop her from moving forward in this venture either. Brrrrrr. Is the air conditioning on? Laura might regret that relentless momentum when her kids grow up to collect human heads in their basements or cheat people out of their life savings.

Jeffrey is bitching about Angela smoking cigarettes in his apartment while he’s trying to sleep. I’m not sure what’s happening here (does Angela need smoking buddies or is she in a non-smoking apartment?) but Jeffrey is still a cranky infant. And he’s still obsessing over Angela’s Mom. He suspects mom and daughter tried to get him eliminated. Ordinarily I would say no one’s tapping your phone, you maniac – but he’s right on this one. Angie knows what she’s doing and she hides it behind a wide-eyed “I’m just happy to be here to create rosettes” façade. She’s cunning. She even admits that it would have been a huge relief if Jeffrey had gone home.

More of the J. Harvey’s “Project Runway” recap, after the jump.

Challenge. Heidi is working some serious bangs and some tight-ass jeans. I can’t see her through her bangs. Her eyes are hooded. Models are chosen, and two are axed. Kayne keeps the chatty one. And when she runs backstage to jump around and gloat – it’s painfully obvious that every other model there is complete unthrilled that she’s staying. There’s a WHOLE other series here from the model’s point of view, I’m sure Heidi’s working on it. Anyway, it’s evident that they hate this bitch. To the point where Afro model and non-Afro model exchange disgusted looks as Mouthy jumps around like a loon.

Heidi lets the designers know that they will be designing an outfit for a hip, international jetsetter. Kayne thinks it’s Tara Reid. Kayne needs to stop reading the People magazine from 2002 at his dentist’s office. But God, if only. But from what I read, Tara is now unable to get into Taco Bell let alone jet around the world going to exclusive parties. Drunk bitch has fallen off the D-list and landed on T. But I would visit Taradise in a hot second. Heidi’s jeans are so far up her ass that I think she mistook their presence for her latest pregnancy.

Tim lets the designers know that the jetsetters are themselves. Angela jumps around at the chance to design and wear yet another short, poufy skirt with scrunchies or rosettes or “florsheins” or whatever the hell those annoying things are called. Calm down, Angela. Uli is happy because she is “an international, trendy jetsetter”. Well smell you, Nancy Drew. Vincent says for the first of nine jillion times that he’s never made menswear. They have one day to make it, and they will be the models.

Designers sketch and brainstorm as to what a jetsetter actually is. Angela camera-earnests that she and her husband (!?!) live on an isolated farm in Ohio, and she can’t wrap her mind around people who jet all over the world to go to parties. There’s a lot to touch on in that last sentence. First of all, were there rosettes on the wedding gown with the short, poufy skirt? Secondly, what could that man be like? Thirdly, isolated farm in Ohio? It’s all coming clear to me now.

Vince – “I never made menswear in my life.” – #362. At Mood, designers race around for material. Kayne asks some poor man to model the worst material ever created on his back. Seriously, the material should be called “Butterflies Are Faggy”. I want to jump into the TV and pass Kayne a roll of tweed or something and tell him to sit down. Several shots of people looking at Kayne’s material with distaste. Jeffrey thinks Kayne is channeling Liberace. Tim reminds Angela that it’s a “hip” jetsetter not a “lesbian hippie kindergarten teacher” jetsetter.

Angela doesn’t know any jetsetters except her cousin Jack, who hunts all over the world and is known as “the hillbilly jetsetter” in her family. I see. But a luxurious lifestyle in Europe is really foreign to her. Then they have a shot of her standing with her finger in her mouth, having no idea what she’s talking about and neither do we. But now I know why certain brands of deer no longer exist in Germany. Because Angela’s cousin Jack blew all their heads off. Thanks Jack.

We get bottomless Vince. Ugh. He wouldn’t be surprised if people coming to work in their boxer shorts becomes a trend. I would. There are laws. Jeffrey reminisces loudly about the Angela’s Mom fiasco. And he’s laughing bitterly a lot. Angela doesn’t love it. Angela requests that Jeffrey look at her if he has to talk to her. Jeffrey responds by saying that he is so “f*cking frightened when I look at you”. DAMN! What’s up his ass? Methadone clinic closed today? Laura weighs in that Jeffrey’s often being an asshole so she’s not surprised by his behavior. True. Jeffrey even comes out with his suspicion that Angie and her Mom were trying to get him bounced. And then Angela does that thing that my boyfriend does to me when I’m all riled up and he’s trying to make me feel like I’m crazed and irrational and I’m actually just correct. Jeffrey even tells her not to look at him with those “weird, sad eyes”. She IS cunning, by the way. He may be an infantile, insecure jerk – but she’s got years of experience at slow, psychological torture. These two deserve each other.

Laura sums it up best by camera-blunting that “it’s a one day challenge and we don’t have time to dick around with everyone’s personal problems”. She should be president. Vince has never made menswear #5,403. Tim visits. Kayne is still flogging butterflies, and Tim doesn’t feel it. Kayne looks like he wants to put his hands over his ears and say “LALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU TIM LA LA LA LA LA”. Tim brings up Elvis. True. Elvis is actually a compliment when it comes to what Kayne’s making.

Tim indicates that he wants Michael to design a shirt to wear under the jacket by expelling air like a horse. Tim tells Angela that she’s channeling Holly Hobby. Which Angela thinks is kinda good. Bye Angie. We are blessed with the weekly Jeffrey Pisses On His Competitors editorial. He feels that Vincent looks like “Tool Time”, and that Kayne looks like “Liberace”. Laura feels that Angela is “clearly” a talented designer (“clearly”?) but she went with rosettes again. Michael lets us know that she adorned her ass with them this time. And the editors steal my heart by inserting a shimmering wind chimes sound as Angela waves the pants around and shows us the ass “florshawnsheins”. Heh. Jeffrey is done, and says that they have a “contender on their hands”. Angela makes a face that would curdle milk. Heh.

They steal my heart again by showing us Michael Knight teaching Kayne how to runway walk. It’s adorable. It really is. I can’t snark on it.

The morning of the big day. Angela sleeps in what can only be described as what happens when a Mexican wedding dress is thrown through a wood chipper. With the bride still in it. Makeup and hair. Uli needs help, “queek” help! God love her. She’s a lovable assassin. Kayne sews topless and I feel better about my own manboobs because at least mine have some manly hair on them. Everyone feels Kayne is tacky-ass.

Runway. Truthfully, Jeffrey rock-n-roll steals the show with Michael a close second with some Hamptons seersucker P. Diddy. Vincent has never made menswear #PI=3.14. Laura looks classy and cold. So her daily look. Poor Kayne as Butterfly Elvis. Uli loves to wear dresses to “go to dinner, or to a bar” or to assassinate a prime minister with a poison blowdart. Our guest judge is Francisco from Calvin Klein. Judges judge. The whack-a-doo with no corners tells Angela what a mess she is “just standing there”. Ouch. As she describes the outfit, Kors has a face like he just discovered that he is in fact his own mother. Calvin Klein Francisco loves Vince’s I’ve Never Designed Menswear outfit. Kors complains that it’s too basic and there’s no twist. “I’m the twist,” Vince says defiantly and he almost sounds like a tough guy until Nina looks so amused by his insanity. Foolish Vincent, you will never intimidate us! Nina chops off Kayne at the penis by laughing cruelly and telling him that Elvis is alive and well. Kayne looks all pursed-lips devastated.

But wait, there’s a twist! Heidi gives everyone plane tickets to actually prove that their outfits can jetset! Fun! Designers rush around to pack. Vincent hopes that they’re going to Budapest or Istanbul. And he laughs like a loon. He’s never designed menswear, you know. And he wants to star on Project Runway: Istanbul! Back away slowly. Their destination? Wait for it…..PARIS! I love Kayne and Angela’s expectant faces. So cute. Kayne is that gay little kid on Christmas morning who sees a world filled with color and song. Laura is my soul sister, because she’s more excited about flying first class than her 16,000th trip to France. Definitely. Tim shows up, carrying a flute of champagne. Jeffrey should write this column because he camera-funnies that he doesn’t know what he’s going to do without Tim popping up in his life every once in a while. Heh. One of my roommates does a hilarious impression of Tim Gunn popping up while Jeffrey’s eating breakfast and asking about his cereal. My roommate is funny.

Jeffrey and Angela bond because they know they’re in the bottom two. Someone should tell Angie that Kayne was cutting her ass up not too long ago with Robert (Less Than The) Best.

Paris! Fashion! Parsons has a Paris location beside their U.S. one and the one that Vincent hopes exists in Budapest. It looks like we’re going to be in Paris for the foreseeable future because they get a workroom. We meet our fourth guest judge, Katherine Malandrino. She’s hotsy. Tim lets us know that she’s there to determine the winners and our loser. And that the loser has to turn around and go right back to the States. That’s cold.

Designers have to walk the er… workroom and show Katherine how their outfits traveled. Jeffrey wins. He deserved to. It was a hot outfit, and yet he still brings up Angela’s Mom. GET OVER IT. She’s not why you’re a recovering junkie. Bitch didn’t pass you the syringe, Whiny! Kayne and Angela are frozen. Katherine tells Angela that she’s coming from “another world”. Presumably an isolated farm in Ohio. Which she’s going back to. Jeffrey gives a sick little grin, and he’s ecstatic. He feels that Angela’s a “macaroni-gluer”. He should write this column. Michael Knight is a gentlemen because he camera-rues that it’s sad Angela has to go and that she’s a good person and he does it without mentioning that her clothes are ugly. Because he knows they are. Hell, I know they are and I’m wearing Old Navy clearance.

“Project Runway” airs Wednesday’s at 10/9c on Bravo.

By Miu von Furstenberg
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  1. kelly

    Perhaps Tara Reid threw some money Kayne’s way to mention/remember her name. Heck, if that’s his idea of a “jet setter” than I’m not as low down on the totem pole as I thought! :)

  2. Sam

    J.Harvey, we must do lunch. Your recaps MAKE my Thursday mornings. Each one better than the last – absolutely hilarious, snarky, witty and detailed. Kudos to you.

  3. C

    Thank you J. Harvey! “As she describes the outfit, Kors has a face like he just discovered that he is in fact his own mother.” — cracked my ass up.

    Even though Kayne is likely to go next week and he is the tackiest designer left, I can’t help but love him. He tries but he can’t escape his trailer park background. When Michael was teaching him to runway walk he says, “It’s easy for you when you’re from the hood but it’s hard for me because I’m just from the trailer.” HA!

  4. John

    Your Project Runway recaps are terrific. Much better than any others I’ve seen (including on advocate.com), and we don’t have to wait three days to read them.

    A pay raise is in order!

  5. skinny_fat

    J.Harvey I love your column better than the show. Here I am at work trying to stifle my laughter when I read “As she describes the outfit, Kors has a face like he just discovered that he is in fact his own mother.” That’s it. Lose it and bust out laughing hysterically.

  6. Me

    I missed the show last night and actually looked forward to this column. J. Harvey rules.

  7. I’m so going to be saying, “Well smell you, Nancy Drew” for the foreseeable future until all my friends and family are ready to club me to death.

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