Lohan’s Actually In Rehab?

August 13th, 2007 // 10 Comments

You can all cross the street safely, it sounds like. Sources say that Lindsay Lohan is actually in rehab in Utah. And it sounds like a real place. As opposed to the last one where she could go shopping, and score some blow, and ride go-carts, and have ice cream sundaes and occasionally be told not to get high as she was on her way out to a facial. The place is called Cirque, in Orem, Utah and Mormons run it. Mormons are hard-core and will not tolerate her Hollywood bullshit.

Sources inside the facility say that Lindsay attends12-step every day as well as other meetings, talks with psychiatrists and psychologists, and receives “other medical treatment.” She is not in a private room; she has two roommates. She spends time during the day and night washing dishes, cleaning toilets and doing laundry.

Shockingly, Linds is being described as completely cooperative and describing her program as “life-saving”. Maybe realizing she was carjacking idiots and trying to hunt down her former assistant in a coke-fueled car chase might eventually lead to some death. The best thing she can do now is convert to Mormonism and set up shop in Utah and get a job in craft store post-rehab. If she needs cash, she can do an autograph signing at a convention or something. Geeks love that shit. “I Know Who Killed Me” is going to become a badass cult film! Do you know she’s missing a leg and a hand in that flick? Brilliant!

By J. Harvey

  1. Is she an amputee stripper for real? lol

    Don’t tease me J!


  2. nancypants

    I spent several years in Utah and if the Mormons don’t straighten her ass out, she’s a lost cause.

  3. LoRider

    Every time she goes into rehab she “learns so much” but what she’s yet to learn is that too much partying is not a job description. Only a matter of time til she’s dead and all the idiots who lionized River Phoenix will be doing the same for Lohan. Wasted talent is universal. Elvis, Belushi, Candy, Farley, Phoenix, and Lohan – ordered by age in descending fashion because I am geeky that way.

    Ride Lo

  4. Am

    Third time’s the charm? Good luck to her!

  5. green cardigan

    Washing dishes, cleaning toilets, doing laundry….well, it’s good practise for prison at any rate.

  6. EraserFan

    What I love the best is her big fake drunk boobies.

  7. devil

    Ew, Lindsay has the worst skin in show business. Freckles are fine, but stay out of the sun or you’ll just turn them into wrinkly liver spots.

    Even if she cleans up her act, her career is likely over. A lack of talent and good looks can only go so far.

  8. kellygrrrl

    “cleaning toilets”
    Getting rid of the shit in her life
    literally and figuratively
    she should flush down those shitty parents ASAP

  9. Logan

    I heard that she DOES have a private room and does NOT have to wait in line to use the phone – she gets a different phone privilege package. Also, I heard she is NOT interacting with the other patients, except for group meetings, and it’s annoying to some of the patients.

  10. T-Bone

    “I heard she is NOT interacting with the other patients, except for group meetings, and it’s annoying to some of the patients”.
    Shouldn’t they be thanking the Lord?

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