Life Lessons Learned From Celebrity Criminals

March 10th, 2004 // Leave a Comment

Valuable lessons that we’ve learned from celebrity criminals, and alleged celebrity criminals:

Martha Stewart – Never talk to the F.B.I. without your lawyers present, and be nicer to people on the phone.

Kobe Bryant – You can save your marriage, despite having rape charges brought against you, by purchasing your wife a big fat diamond ring.

OJ Simpson – When you’re branded a murderer, you probably should be paying for your own cable.

Phil Spector – Picking someone up at the House of Blues will get you into trouble.

Michael Jackson – Obviously never let someone else’s children sleep in your bed. Plus, never wear a ski mask in WalMart.

Robert Blake – With celebrity friends like Casey and Jean Kasem plus Wilfred Brimley, your time spent waiting for trial will seem as if you’re in prison already.

Jack White – You can beat the shit out of someone, and only receive a $500 fine, plus mandatory attendance at an anger management class.

David Gest – Okay, he’s technically not either a criminal, or an alleged criminal but regardless there is one big lesson to be learned from Mr. Gest. Never marry an ugly gay man.

Glen Campbell – Make sure you contact your stylist prior to being arrested before drunk driving, otherwise you’ll have a God-awful picture of yourself posted on The Smoking Gun website.

By Miu von Furstenberg
asl

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