Kirsten Dunst’s Downward Spiral Is Being Blamed On Jake Gyllenhaal Dumping Her Ass

Oh Kirsten Dunst. Oh Kiki. It was so many years ago (2005) when you were let go. Just find another closet case to date. I hear John Mayer’s available! Babygirl, you need to get some sun and put down the mirror, razorblade, and bottle of hooch! Hopefully that lodge in Utah is helping you with that. Look what it did for Lindsay Lohan! Err..right. Sources are saying that Kirsten Dunst’s problems with whatever she’s in rehab for (sources say coke and booze, her rep won’t confirm) began back in aught 5 when Jakey G dumped her because he didn’t like her partying.

Kirsten allegedly is that girl at the end of the bar, letting dudes do body shots off her ass and wondering where her keys and phone are that she left in the toilet stall covered in pee. Who knew? She sounds like a Miss USA pageant contestant! Apparently, whenever she’s shooting a film, she’s “the center of the group – doing shots and encouraging everyone to drink,” says a source. She doesn’t stop at one. Who does? Damn, here I thought she was reserved with a stank attitude. If I had know she likes to throw back a few and get low, I would have liked her more! Kirsten’s currently at Cirque Lodge in Utah, rehabbing. Let’s hope she finds a UV lamp up in there. She’s paler than I am. And I’m pretty much the damn Michelin Man.

Photos: Splash