Britney Has A Counterpart In Britain!

Meet Kerry Katona. She’s a huge British celebrity who’s sorta like Britney’s spiritual twin, except she does even less. Seriously, after extensive research (meaning I read the source article), I’ve deduced that Kerry used to be married to a British boy band star, and then had some kids by him and was primarily known for being a total coke whore and splashing her ass across the British tabloids. And if you think the tabloids here are bad, you better think again! The rags here are like soft and gentle kisses from a butterfly compared to the Brits’ savagery. And they have boobies on page three with the weather! Neat! Kerry is currently denying charges she’s powdering her nose during her fifth pregnancy. These latest accusations were made during a recent television interview in which Kerry looked like she had just been using a mirror. And I don’t mean to look in. You know when people have just been blowing rails and their jaws are kinda doing some funny things and they’re a little intense? Right.

Although she is clear-eyed and coherent during our interview, on GMTV last week, Kerry’s manic behaviour led to speculation she was under the influence of something.

She claims a medical condition is responsible for her mood swings. “It’s the bi-polar,” she protests. “I’m often up and down. I think that’s why some people think I’m on coke. One minute you’re ‘Grrrrrr!’ then the next you’re down. I find it sick that people think I’d take drugs while pregnant.” So why does she think so many people dish the dirt on her? “I was brought up with the backstabbers, the slags, the thieves, the no-goods,” she says.

“The ones that stole wallets and credit cards, the alcoholics, the drug addicts, the wife-beaters. They were my friends and family.

Sounds like my family. Seriously, I thought it was just an American phenomenon that complete wastes of space could garner this much attention. But no, it’s global. It makes you pray for a vast meterorite to come hurtling toward us, doesn’t it?

Photos: WENN

Tags: Kerry Katona
9