Kathy Griffin Lands Herself A Cash Cow

The boyfriend’s going to be so friggin’ happy I wrote about this. See, he’s an iFiend. Meaning he’s part of that cult that worships at the testicles of Steve Jobs. He would shoot me point blank with a speargun if Steve Jobs told him to. I’d be clawing at my bosom, and trying to pull the harpoon out and he’d be like “Oh, Stevem this new iBlender is so pretty! And white! And it makes puree!” Anyway, the boyfriend has no use for gossip or celebrities beyond the kind who are in wheelchairs and have to speak through voiceboxes and know about physics. But recently he’s like, are you gonna write about Kathy Griffin and Steve Wozniak? Who, I asked? Is that one of her new gays? Did a homeless person attack her? Steve Wozniak is apparently this Apple bigwig, second only to Steve (Blow)Jobs. The boyfriend thought it was fascinating that our two worlds finally collided. I myself assumed it was a stunt for Kathy’s show. Now that she offloaded the mooch with the gambling addiction, she needs a new foil. But apparently, she’s telling everyone it’s for reals. Good for her. She’s funny. She needs to go back to her old hair when she looked slightly more human, but she’s funny. Apparently, she’s rocking a big ring but “won’t kiss and tell”. Isn’t that like your whole DEAL?!?!

The couple did reveal that they met in Saratoga where Wozniak came to see Griffin perform. “I was a fan of hers before we met,” he tells Us. “I love her personality and her quick thinking. I think we have so much in common.” Quips Griffin, who later shared chocolate covered strawberries with Wozniak at the Entertainment Tonight party at the Walt Disney Concert Hall, “The thing is he doesn’t realize that I am the brains of the operation and he is like some dumb bimbo that I picked up!”

The “brains of the operation” was on Larry King Live last night gushing even further about her new love…in her own brash, offensive, and funny way. She asked King, ” What do you make, Lar? You make a few million a year? He craps that out for lunch. I mean this guy has so much money — but I love him for his personality.”

HAH! Bitch, don’t you live for tearing down celebrity self-delusion. What this Woz guy needs to do is fake a financial collapse and see how long she hangs out for when he’s borrowing money to buy scratch tickets and Slim Jims. That’s the real test. “Yeah, uh, my gays are having a gay thing, and I really gotta go. No, I’ll call you. Seriously, I have some more plastic surgery planned. No, really, my Dad died again. I gotta go! LET GO OF ME!”