Jubilee Jumbles

By J. Harvey

There’s got to be a morning after when Malan leaves. Kayne basks in immunity, and Katherine camera-defends herself over Malan’s log dress ousting. Models are chosen and discarded. Does Robert have sensitivity to light, or is he just an ass with those sunglasses worn indoors? Easy there, superstar.

The designers have to discover their latest challenge – designing using a popular accessory – in Central Park. Is it a cell phone, iPod, taser? No! It’s Tim Gunn with 13 annoying yappy dogs! Laura feels she doesn’t have the emotional energy to give to a dog. So she sports a fussy face, and they re-run the footage of her five kids tearing her apartment up. Once again, notice she’s not in the footage and they edit it so you can’t see the au pair scooping the little bastards up because Laura is out at a spa or workshop or having an affair.

The designers each pick a yappy dog, and have to design an outfit for a woman based on the dog and an outfit for the dog as well! Punk rock geezer Jeffrey notes that each designer seemed to pick dogs that most resembled themselves, especially that Gila monster Keith Michael. Keith Michael’s dog is arrogant, with heavy-lidded eyes and hints of a substance abuse problem. The resemblance is uncanny.

More of J. Harvey’s “Project Runway” recap, after the jump.

The designers sketch their outfits and I’m waiting for someone to snap a yappy dog’s neck. Alison, whose life so far has been a beautiful shower of roses apparently, is thrilled to design outfits and craft a story for her dog Pepe and it’s supposed owner. Seriously, she’s so soft-spoken and happy and blonde. Where can I get sense of well-being? Is it all from being cute or did she have amazing parents? Does she have ANY bad features?

To take my mind off Alison’s beautiful dream of a life, we have Angela’s hat. Goddamn. She’s on the far side of thirty-something and the lunatic is wearing this plaid chapeau that doesn’t fit her crazy head and makes her look like she’s unaware of the year, her age, or what planet she’s on. It makes me want to go through what little wardrobe I have and verify that all my shit is age appropriate just to eliminate the microscopic possibility that I end up on TV one day looking like an asshole. If her dog had any sense, it would bite her for wearing that hat.

Oh, and the story behind her design? Something about a designer who works at a French summer camp for kids called “Jubilee Jumbles”. Combine that hat with that story, and you just want to be scrubbed down like Meryl Streep in Silkwood.

Keith Michael feels his creepy looking dog with the long hair and shaved body only needs a collar and chain. He doesn’t want to be required to make something “stupid”. Vince is already designing a weird hat for his. Off to Mood. Kayne picks a “gorgeous” print. Robert picks a “beautiful tweed” that’s “Jackie Kennedy and Barbie” rolled into one. And Laura remarks that her choice is “so tasteful compared to you guys”, HAH! You can’t out-queen a genuine queen, boys. She’s been doing it longer. Pageants Plus Kayne is huffy in the ivory tower of his immunity. He camera-sniffs that her taste is “vanilla and mine is Rocky Road”. I can see why he’s been exiled to the Midwest – he’s like the gay snark version of Holly Hobby.

Foreshadowing. Katherine voiceovers that’s she’s more used to designing sportswear. So strap a snowboard to the dog and be done with it! Angela still has that hat on, and she went “balls-out” and got tons of different fabric to make her little “rosettes”. Robert’s design story is that he’s creating for a “Park Avenue princess who’s just checked into rehab and needs someone to take care of her tiny dog for a weekend”. So basically, the fantasy life he’s always wanted to live. And might I add that’s not very Barbie. He adds that he hates stories and thinks they’re “stupid”. Robert hates fiction. He’s all about the History Channel and shit.

Keith Michael is concerned about Bradley because he’s lagging behind. There’s a slight tinge of possible Keith Michael/Bradley romance. Bradley seems much too sweet to get tangled up in Keith Michael’s web of arrogant cough syrup abuse. Everyone in my apartment including my boyfriend thinks Bradley is adorable. I don’t get it, but he does seem like a nice bloke. Vince cracks, and has this weird laughing fit about the dog hat he’s designed. It’s scary, and they show Jeffrey laughing along with him because he knows if he doesn’t – Vince will snap and demand to know why he’s not laughing. And then start insisting that people stand still while he stabs them. Seriously, this cat is GONE. The pressure has just gotten to him.

People seem to look at Bradley as a mascot, as they all inquire how he’s doing. It’s his birthday tomorrow, and he’s not a day past gentle introvert. Keith Michael remarks that Bradley is still flailing but it still couldn’t be worse than anything Angela did. Hah! And correct! Those “rosettes” she was raving about? They’re scrunchies pinned to the bottom her dress! HAWT! Keith’s high and all wandering around insulting people, and trying to establish a sewing machine for himself. He annoys Laura and she lets us know that he’s become a “major shithead”. I like her. Keith tells us that she’s ” bad mommy”. He says that he had a “good mommy”. Yeah, try “crack” mommy. Bradley tells us that things are getting spicy, and he’s just trying to stay out of it. And then he rubs his eyes like a kid who’s tired and needs to be put to bed and what’s with this weird thing everyone including the editors has for Bradley? He’s a grown man, stop coddling him with your concern and your editing tricks to make him look vulnerable and sweet!

Tim doesn’t love Katherine’s design. Too simple, and she tells him she will “whip up a hoodie jacket”. I wish I could do that. Whip up a hoodie. In my household, we have a theory that Uli is actually an evil secret agent sent to kill Heidi. I will go into it at a later date. Allison is all shiny beauty and makes Tim laugh delightedly with her dog outfit design. She’s basically the empress of Fantasia and wants Sebastian to say her name. Keith Michael informs Tim that HIS dog owner wouldn’t dress her dog up so he can get out of designing for a dog which is so “lame”. He’s not even a man anymore – he’s a snotty teenage girl who just wants to drive her parent’s BMW SUV and do whippets. Angela’s design is a train wreck and let me tell you it ain’t Jubilee Jumbles. Think slutty clown.

Keith tries counseling Bradley on how to save his design. Vince thinks Bradley likes to jump off bridges and find things as he falls. So we know where’s Vince’s mental state is at. Bradley looks like he’s leaning towards forfeit. Tomorrow’s his birthday and he’s planning on not showing anything. He sits on the kitchen counter with some OJ and tries to regroup. No one wants him to go home. I’m jealous of the affection he inspires.

Models show up. Bradley’s model is not thrilled that he hasn’t designed a damn thing. And it occurs to us both (Bradley and I) that she’s screwed as well if he gets booted. Selfish Bradley! Laura tells us that her dog was really patient while trying to put its outfit on without strangling it. And she kinda rolls her eyes while telling us this as if strangling it would be considered a bad thing by many when it’s really not and get over it you PETA fags.

Katherine chose to focus on her dog’s outfit and didn’t whip up a hoodie. To her detriment. Showtime. Vera Wang’s frump is with us again, and so is Ivanka Trump? Does she own a dog? Where’s Michael Kors? Seriously. Bring back that chunky whack-a-doo! Models walk. Uli’s dress rocks. The fabric is colorful and cool. And for the first time, we see Nina Garcia’s eyes light up with childlike delight and wonder. Over the dogs. She has a soul! Or she wants a new coat made of yappy dogs.

The final moments. Katherine blames her simple-ass dress on the sewing machine. We all shake our heads. Allison spins an amazing tale of a Japanese woman who’s here for fashion week. And there’s a magical fountain, and elves, and utopia for all. Then we get to Angela. Angela tells the judges about Jubilee Jumbles. The judges feel that a children’s camp employee wouldn’t wear a skirt where only a scrunchie is covering triangular mystery. And inexplicably, the judges LOVE Bradley’s design. Nina wants to put it in Elle! HAH! Happy Birthday, Boy in the Bubble! My new name for Bradley. Keith Michael shoots himself in his arrogant foot by being all defiant about not making an outfit for the dog. And the judges crucify his ass. Nina tells him that if he’s giving them a hard time, they’re giving him a hard time right back. Nina doesn’t deal with lanky pompous people. Keith Michael lies that he created four outfits for the dog, but none fit. LIES!

Judges confer. Ivanka feels that Angela’s outfit looked like a “streetwalker”. And this chick’s Dad works in a gold lame building, so she knows bad taste. Uli wins it with her awesome dress. It’s down to Jubilee Jumbles and tiny Katherine with the crap sewing machine. Bye Katherine. Anyone wearing that hat earlier on HAS to stay.

Next – the moment all us gossip queens have been waiting for. Tim kicks someone off for doing something very very wrong. Hopefully it’s Angela for wearing that hat.