Jessica Alba Holds Grudges

Jessica Alba has a chip on her shoulder. It’s slightly in front of the burden on her back. You know, the one from being gorgeous? She chose the Teen Choice Awards to air her grievance with a boy she knew in high school. I might think this was touching and funny if I didn’t think she’s a straight-up bitch. Seriously, she complains about being pretty. Tell that to my pustules! Ok, that was gross – but Mondays are rough up in here.

“I would like to dedicate this award to a young man who has been on my mind for the last 19 years: Ross,” Jessica Alba, 26, told a rapt audience as she accepted the female hottie award. “Ross didn’t love me. I was pigeon-toed, I had a sway back, I was slightly cross-eyed, buck-toothed, I sucked my thumb.” She added, with a laugh: “Look at me now, Ross! Look at me now!”

Ross looked from the TV to his fourth toddler who just put her poopy diaper on the dog’s head and then at his wife who hasn’t lost the baby weight, and thought about their ugly lawn and how much he hates his job and cocked his revolver. Way to destroy a family, Jessica!