Welcome, my friends, to Rock Week, here on Dancing With The Stars! We are here in the Glitter Dome, which looks like a sketchy place Ke$ha would really enjoy.
As we discussed last week, DWTS is trying to find more ways to take up their two-hour time slot. This week, we got a top 10 countdown of the most popular dancers ever on DWTS:
10. Shawn Johnson
9. Donny Osmond
8. Helio Castroneves
7. Apolo Ohno
6. Joanna Krupa
5. Mel B.
4. Nicole Scherzinger
3. Apolo Ohno (again?)
2. Gilles Marini
1. Drew Lachey
Thanks for that, I had no idea I wanted to know who the top ten dancers were.
The costumes these people are wearing are ridiculous. They legitimately look like KISS and ABBA had a baby, and then that baby had a baby with Lady Gaga. This is what the ensuing baby looked like.
Brandy & Maks continued clawing their way to the top, which is infuriating, since they used to despise each other. They won, with a score of 26, and then went on to win the marathon as well. Unfortunately, I have no opinion on their dance, as I couldn’t stop staring at the monstrosities on their legs. Those are supposed to be pants? A million shames. Carrie Ann made the entire country partake in a collective vomit when she pronounced, “This is like watching someone who has been through a really tough time spread their wings and fly.” Really??
Rick & Cheryl and Audrina & Tony tied for second – Audrina did a trust fall that would scare even the bravest kids at camp, and Rick gave himself a silver mohawk, which Martha Stewart seemed very pleased with.
Kyle & Lacey and Bristol & Mark brought up third place, with Bristol scaring the bejeezus out of me with her intense look and Kyle & Lacey being robbed. Those two had a fantastic dance, with Kyle truly looking so much better. Lacey’s outfit, mixed with some Adam Lambert made me swoon. That song makes me want to put on my sparkle heels, douse myself in glitter (circa 7th grade) and big feathers, and strut. And strut they did. It was glorious.
Jennifer & Derek brought up second-to-last place, and broke America’s heart. Whyyyy, Baby? Why? It was furious and beautiful, and there were fireworks. OK, maybe Len was right. Maybe it was a little out of control.
Bringing up the bottom was Kurt & Anna, who tried to look more Rock & Roll with the help of my favorite aging rocker, Bret Michaels. Even Bret couldn’t save their disaster of a dance. On the plus side, they kind of looked like Michael Jackson and Princess Leia, and their dance was described as “scruffy, awkward, and karate-esque.” Yes, that is a plus. Who wouldn’t want to be described like that?
To tell you the truth, I’m a little scared that Jennifer is going to get screwed. She hasn’t been doing too hot for the past two weeks, and Brandy is right on her heels. Keep on keeping on, Jennifer!