“It’s Up To You, New York…”
Written By J. Harvey
Previously on The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency – Janice imprisoned several more unsuspecting models, the Ham got all lubed up over a blonde model nicknamed “Fargo,” and the agency pulled off its first gig.
Janice stumbles up the mall’s steps to work this morning, voice-overing to us that the agency had its first success with Miss Lily Holt. Janice welcomes Jason and some short blonde woman from 2Xist. Jason is their design director, and looks exactly like you would imagine him to. Serial-killing hair mistress Duke sashays out to meet them, and you can almost hear that Flock of Seagulls-esque tune that Buffalo Bill tucked it to playing in the background. “I’m crying, crying crying…” I’d fuck me. Yikes.
Janice fawns over Jason and short blonde girl. Jason responds by saying, “We need your help, we need models.” People just don’t give a shit about even taking away the staging at all anymore, do they? What, was Ford or any of the other trazillion modeling agencies in the New York City area booked solid this week? You had to fly your stylish baby blue blazer all the way out to a mall in Santa Monica where Janice has set up her brothel above the Vicki’s Secret to find models? SCRIPTED!
Then a bunch of guys get naked and get into skivvies. There’s some flesh, and then some pixilated flesh. We get a parade of snow-white briefs and the men who love to wear em’. We meet the 6’3 Paul, who remarks on how snug the briefs were and then says, “I love you, Mom” to the camera. Heh. Jason lets us know that 2xist likes hot guys, but hot guys who can open up, which make them “cutting edge modern guys.”
More of the review, plus a few photos of the boys in 2Xist, after the jump.
We hit our first snag when Sarin (who if I recall is the trick Janice found on the ski slope in Utah) walks out. He’s physically perfect, and even makes the usual tired ass tribal tattoo look good. But apparently Sarin is Romanian and there’s a language barrier? When did he become Romanian? Is this more SCRIPTING? Anyway, Sarin doesn’t love Jason asking about his tat, or maybe thinks he’s asking something else, so Jason informs Sarin he needs to be able to interact more and be able to communicate more clearly. Then it gets REALLY uncomfy when short blonde girl informs us that the event the models will be working at involves speaking about the underwear. Janice turns herself into assistant district attorney and begins grilling the foreigner on how he feels about the underwear. First off, it turns out Sarin freeballs usually. Secondly, Sarin freeballs usually, but he thinks the underwear is “nice.” You’re dismissed, Yakov Smirnov. Ok, Yakov Smirnov wasn’t Romanian, but Jesus Christ, it’s 11:24 p.m. and I have to work tomorrow and I don’t know any confused Romanian celebrities.
Jason tells Janice the models were “pretty good.” “Pretty good?” Janice snorts, “They were off the chain!” I can recall an interview with Howard Stern that Pam Anderson did some years ago, and she kept talking about how her show V.I.P. was “off the chain.” And how her new clothing line was “off the chain.” And how her kids with hepatitis C donor Tommy Lee were “off the chain.” As a result, I don’t accept “off the chain” as a measure of quality anymore.
The men assemble for the final picks, and Janice tells them how awesome it was that the guys walked out with their “rabbits” stuffed in there. And what the fuck? I don’t get it. Can one of my (six) loyal readers explain to me how “rabbit” could be used as a euphemism for cock? It’s just….icky. Boy next door quarterback TJ, floppy haired Dandy Warhols-looking John, and 6’3 Paul make the cut. TJ earnestly tells us he’s wanted to “do” underwear ever since Mark Wahlberg did underwear for Calvin Klein. I swear to Jaysus, the line between us gets fainter and fainter all the time. Then he tells us how happy he is, and that he’s “going to New York for it,” which is followed by either -
1. “…which is great.”
2. “I’m straight.”
I replayed it a jillion times, and I still can’t figure out what he said. Was he preempting any moves by Blue Blazer Jason? Did he need the viewing public to know that he was straight after his admission that Marky Mark made him want to model underwear? Which, yeah, it’s necessary because I thought we had the first openly gay model of the season after that revelation. Or maybe NYC is just great, you tell me.
And yes, we get the obligatory zoom in on Sarin who says it’s bullshit that he wasn’t picked. Then cue the sad piano music as the camera floats over to where he is now sitting against a column, rueing the day that the Vicodin Princess came into his ski shop to buy earmuffs. Then he leans across the railing outside. Then he finally breaks down. He doesn’t know what happened, and he “just missed the job.” He’s crying, and now I feel like a dickhead for calling him Yakov Smirnov. He says it’s a missed opportunity, and he didn’t “took” the job, by which he means he didn’t get it. And now I feel like a COMPLETE dickhead, ’cause I’m thinking of how it must suck to not know the language very well and have to deal with these people and especially that screaming harpy he made the mistake of nailing behind the chair lift in Park City. He even mentions his language and how he “didn’t like talking to them” because he felt bad about his language skills. Oh jeez. God, I wish he would do something assholic so I could make fun of him again. *sits and waits*
Well, thankfully Janice swoops in to set him and us straight. She tells him he has the best body, yes, but THAT WOMAN (pointing out a giant portrait of herself behind them) didn’t get hired for AN ENTIRE YEAR. God, imagine running into that down at the unemployment office? Ham tells him that this business is 99% rejection. Somewhere Fargo is readying the same speech to use on him. Janice promises Sarin a billboard in Times Square to make 2xist eat their words. Janice sends Sarin outside to walk it off and “not in a bar.”
Janice is packing for New York and sporting a ridiculous fiery dress that makes even her straight teenage son Nathan ask, “What are you wearing?” Nathan seems to have developed a swagger for the cameras and stop that, J. Nathan tells Janice to change her frock, because it’s inappropriate and amen, brotha. Absolutely Fabulous is funny, because we know it’s FICTION, Janice – you trailer park escapee. Scratch that, I know down and dirty trailer women who woulda told Janice to lose that mess themselves. And these women own Bedazzlers and denim minis. Nathan lets Janice know he’s all set for New York.
Commercial. I’m telling you I am so down with this Shannen Doherty says your relationship is over show. She’s so evil. I bet she’ll go to Aaron Spelling’s funeral just to spit on the grave.
Nate and Jan. Janice quizzes Nate on his grades. She tells him he’s “the love of my life,” and he needs to make a choice – school or the agency. That’s easy – the muthaf’in agency! Spell G.E.D, Jan. He’s 18, and you have him running around with oily topless women in thongs. Janice threatens to call Nate’s Dad, and a brief struggle ensues for the phone. Janice says she gets how Nate has a problem with her, how she dresses and how she “rolls.” I am 32, and I now pledge never to use slang ever again, because hearing her say “how I roll” made me think back to every single time recently when I have used what I thought was droll slang that flowed very easily from my mouth and keyboard, but I probably sounded like an insecure retard. Ok, I cant make that promise because I’m 32, gay, and don’t have a wife and kid, so I can actually act half my age and still use slang, and the people I “roll” with will accept and even embrace me for it. Plus, it spices up these recaps. Like wasabi.
Nate’s staying in L.A., and he has one of those white belts on that I love, and he’s bullshit at his hag mother. Nate tries to save face by camera-boasting that just because he won’t be in NYC doesn’t mean he won’t be having a great time at home. Jan better lock up her liquor/pills/weed/blow/oxy/opium/GBH cabinet.
We join the models as they pack. We find out that TJ is a manny. Not as hot as Perry, Britney Spears’ manny – but still a hot manny. I just forgot all about his Marky Mark fetish, ’cause the manny thing is adorable. We follow TJ as he plays around with the kids. It’s like Charles in Charge without the stench of Baio or Eggert. He lives in the pool house and tells the girls scary stories that feature a witch named Janice.
NYC! Janice rolls up, oh God sorry, on the 2xist offices accompanied by Duke. Duke is wearing a patchwork denim jacket and looking to outdo the Son of Sam (NYC’s last big serial killer) when he has some time off this weekend. She meets John and TJ in the lobby. TJ looks like he might have let the girls give him some form of perm before he left California. They meet with Design Director Jason, who is a little nicer to them because they’re not foreigners (xenophobe) (kidding). The models try on their looks for tonight. The event they are working is at a gallery and they will have to ask the guests to touch the fabric, etc. Janice tells them if they don’t “work it” she will “chop their heads off.” Does the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency have an HR department? Jason butts in by saying SHE is the one he’s worried about! HAH! This guy has balls, because I doubt she has any compunction about throwing a chair. He camera-informs that he will be keeping a close watch on her tonight to ensure that she will keep the event about the underwear and not her.
Back in LA, Nate’s idea of a great time is playing indoor golf and breaking a glass. What we don’t see is his sister Savvy down at Privilege dancing on a banquette with Lohan and asking her why she forgot to bring the Special K she paid for. Cmon, look at her role model. You know, the one in the fire engine red dress with the droopy cleavage and no panties.
Janice parades the models around NYC. She annoys the general public, and recruitment Ethan shows up out of nowhere in a crotch rocket jacket, and says a store wants to hire them immediately. They have to act as human mannequins. Clothes are kinda eh down at Rothman’s, but it’s a paying job, and only 15 minutes of work.
Time for the show. TJ is nervous. They lose their shirts. Every queen in the room clutches his pearls at that point. John is A-OK with people touching his ass, and the underwear is made out of 95% soybean? WTF? Janice shows up late “due to traffic” (translation: dealer was tardy), and actually looks amazing. Dark green is her color. She of course hops right in to pose for pictures, and makes it all about her. She might as well be wearing a sash that says, “Fuck you, Jason.” Janice makes the guys get on the main table, and she starts bellowing about 2xist. Having a drunken former supermodel bellow about underwear IS better marketing than a silent hot male model wearing them! Jason is giving her the death stare as she screams at the apathetic crowd about “fabric.”
TJ blathers on about something, and I notice with delight that his title card is now “TJ Wilik,” with his title of “Nanny” underneath! HAH! At the end, the guys do a weird, uncomfortable heterosexual semi-hug high five thing, still in their underwear. I’m thinking TJ and 6’3 Paul are straight, and floppy-haired John might go wherever the day takes him.
Hell A. Nate finds out Janice is hopping her broomstick home, and he starts cleaning like a madman. Janice pulls up screaming she’s home. Her poor neighbors. Anyway, alls well that ends as well as a pea-coated Nate gives her a big ole’ hug when she stumbles in the door.
Next week – Janice ruins the official opening of her agency by taking haute couture for a swim.