I Love New York: “He Drinks a Lot, And I Like That.”

I love New York, don’t you? Head bitch in charge. Two-time Flav loser. Need I say more? Oh god, please don’t make me. People requested this shit get recapped. God help us all. Anyway, it’s Flav flipped. And according to the preview, uh she got a bunch of queers to romance her. Seriously, half of these men really look like they’re into dudes. Ok. Does Sister Patterson know about this? She must, cause crazy-eyed bitch is there!

Anyway, we open with New York (aka Tiffany Pollard) tending to her face and smoking some butts in her new mansion, which I highly doubt has her name on the mortgage. I suspect it’s actually the Flav mansion redecorated via Bobby Trendy’s design studio. She fills us in on her past history, and we even get that fantastical throwdown with Pumpkin. You know from Flavor of Love season one when she got spit on and chased that girl across the house? Those were some hot times. Anyway, Flav rejected her twice. Twice. But she got a show out of it. I think she actually made out on this deal.

Men are lined up in “her” driveway. They look rough. Various faceless guys interview about why they’re here and one is all I’m not here for “jibber jabber and yip yap”. You’re on the wrong show, sugar. Another obvious homosexual with his shirt open to his navel is talking about princesses and teacup dogs and did the producers think it was funny to put a gay guy up in here? He’s talking about a DEAD GAY TEACUP DOG. And crying.

More of I Love New York after the jump.

Written by J. Harvey

The gayest guy in history comes out of the door, and people note that he’s “off the chain” and people actually start to leave because they think Ashton Kutcher is coming out after him. We learn that he is named Chamo and he is Ms. New York’s assistant and stylist. And he’s to blame? I’d sue. I really don’t need theatrics piled on theatrics just yet. He convinces the guys to stay and has them file in. The house is done up in pink and black zebra stripes and look atrocious. I want to live there. I hope Chamo gets bashed if he was also responsible for this.

New York flounces down. She’s in a pink tube dress and her appearance causes some idiot to comment that she’s so hot that she obviously didn’t come from Cro-Magnon man. That’s a compliment because it implies she bypassed evolution and came down from heaven on a clamshell. Keep in mind that the gentleman in question has dental issues and is sorta wall-eyed. So she probably does look celestial to his ass. New York is still translicious.

The whitest guy ever starts talking about how he likes a girl with junk in the trunk. Apparently Jennifer from Pre-Calculus’ bony ass isn’t cutting it for him anymore. As New York enters someone yells how she put a hurt on his penis. She certainly will if she ever gets it inside of her, she’s teeming with disease. New York gives this whole spiel about how Flav dumped her twice and how she’s here to find her king. She has the guys run around the house and do the whole first episode of the reality show hallmark – the choosing of bedrooms. There’s some serial killer guy in a lime green J. Crew blazer and pink shirt that is here to find victims. Seriously, don’t park beside his van because his ass will spring out and attack you. The terribly gay guy with the dead dog has what looks like a Pucci scarf tied around his calf. It’s a flag of gay. Please recognize, New York. They all run around the house and hopefully no one does dookie on the floor. I’m just saying.

Chamo calls a meeting in the “great room”. It’s time for nicknames! The guys line up beside a velvet rope. But before the nicknaming ceremony, New York has a surprise! Her momma – Sister Patterson! Seriously, green blazer guy is here to kill everyone.

They thought it was gonna be Flav. WRONG! Everyone looks disturbed as Sister Patterson goes down the line scaring them. She lets them know that if they want to be with New York, they have to go through her first. I wouldn’t. She’ll cripple a bitch and probably has a razor on her. We get some flashbacks of Sister Patterson’s antics on Flavor of Love. She lets us know that if it comes down to her last “bref”, even if it kills her, she’s gonna find the right man for her daughter.

Dorkass (I know that could be anyone until these freaks get named) mourns about having to impress New York and her mother, too. Sister Patterson finishes her inspection by screaming “SHUT UP!” at the rabble and telling New York and her pink non-Cro Magnon self that she’s “slightly impressed”.

Nicknames! Some hot Spanish guy is now known as “Rico”. Sister Patterson mistakes him saying the “Spanish side of me” for the “Panties side of me”. She’s already interfering. We meet Pootie, who Sister Patterson tells not to even try and impress her because she doesn’t impress easily. Which is why the show isn’t called “I Love Sister Patterson”.

Some guy named Wood is familiar to the ladies. We find out why later. There’s Whiteboy, and Tango, and Trendz, and Heat (who’s hot), 12 Pack (who’s built), Jersey, T-Bone (who’s the Cro-Magnon guy and New York thinks he’s fat and greasy, which is true) the dorkass named Mr. Boston (ohmygod, he’s from my area and he had to have lost a bet or wanted to be on TV because I don’t think he even knows which one New York is), Onix, Tumbleweed (who has long hair and a white suit and is very artistic and one of the probable gays), Ace, Bonez (who goes into a weird Jesus preachy thing which impresses Sister but New York knows she’s the Whore of Babylon so she’s not feeling it at first), T-Money is the serial killer and both ladies are wondering what the f*ck, Real, Chance (brother to Real and the one Sister Patterson hates right the f*ck off and New York luvs), Token (whom Sister Patterson doesn’t love because she feels New York doesn’t need a token), Romance (who is the gay dog guy who gives New York a framed photo of him and his dead dog and breaks down and please keep him even though he would picture Jake Gyllenhaal over your face when boning you, New York), and many many more. Five are going home tonight.

New York holds a mixer at “her” mansion to get to know the men. Sister Patterson starts off by informing the men that she has a brown belt and will take them out if they cross her. Point taken. New York immediately takes Chance by the pool and she’s way into him. She likes the scrawny thug types whose kisses are like devouring. New York tells us one of the reasons she likes him is “he drinks a lot and I like that”. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA. Best line ever. Boston sticks his nose into their vibeing and Chance goes OFF. I’m serious – Mr. Boston isn’t fitting into this equation for me. There’s line crossing and Chance tells us that Mr. Boston looks like Al Gore’s nephew. And Chance is one of those guys who screams really loud to scare people into forgetting he’s scrawny. And New York doesn’t know whether to be upset or flattered that guys are already fighting over her trannie ass.

After commercial, New York explains how she was “chopping it up with Chance” and Boston rolled up. There’s a lot of yelling but Mr. Boston doesn’t back down and actually impresses New York with his moxie. Mr. Boston recommends Ritalin to chance. Oh, someone’s getting punched and I’m guessing it’s the white guy. Chance later on interviews bitching about the Ritalin comment and then confesses he has no idea what it is. New York sits with T-Bone who seems like a sweet guy but sorta toe-up. New York is trying to be sweet to him (I know, weird, I think getting your own show calms your crazy ass down) and when T-Bone tells her that he has dreamy eyes she waits until her interview to tell us that he’s wonky-eyed. New York complains how it’s such a long night and she has to talk to all of them.

Trendz tells her that he heard she was crazy, and New York actually likes that. And he’s right, she’s clearly crazy. She sits with Heat, who’s hotsy and gets him to confess he’s the shit. She reminds him that this isn’t Flav’s show and she’s top dog and head bitch in charge and the queen of the world. She sits with Whiteboy and Onix and feels something with them. A threesome? The possibility of gayness? What? She says her third eye really works and you know she’s talking about her anus.

Tango’s here to meet Tiffany, not New York and she gets moist. All together now – BULLSHIT! She gets put to sleep by Ace, and menaced by T-Money who is the serial killer trying to lull her into sleep and then detach her scalp and wear it. New York notes that T-Money’s jacket and shirt make him look like a watermelon and then jumps to the conclusion that he dressed like a watermelon because she’s black. Oh, she’s absolutely chilling. She hasn’t lost a bit of her psychosis. Meanwhile, Sister Patterson is on this bizarre quest to prove that all of the men are gay. Seriously, she starts asking all of them if they’ve ever been with guys. Actually, she’s probably the only one thinking clearly in this mess. She feels that the bunch of them are undercover gay lovers. Ok, she’s right. What am I saying? She’s fixated on the muscle-bound 12 Pack who takes it well. But he thinks it’s because he’s so good-looking that women are afraid to approach him. Easy there, 12. Roids usually indicate a small penis and back-ne. I should know, my guns are huge and I’m juiced to hell.

Pootie tells New York he’s a “male servant”. What? She smells gigolo but he says he just gives massages and manicures. While nude. Uh, ok. Where do I hire these people? Er, anyway, New York thinks he’s nuts. Wood reveals to her that he’s been on two reality shows and one talk show. He considers Elimidate a talk show. New York and the home-viewing audience question this. So New York is like, this is your fourth camera love moment? Which is the name of my new band, Fourth Camera Love Moment. New York isn’t thrilled with this but admits he’s a fine chunk of chocolate.

Mr. Boston sits with Sister Patterson and he’s terrified of her. Seriously, stuttering and stammering. I think he’s drunk but you know when you’re drunk and scared? That’s what he’s like. Sister Patterson interviews that she thinks he clicks in his head and needs to oil it. I think she’s accusing him of Parkinson’s but can’t find the wording. She lures him into a conversation about interracial romance and biracial babies and he brings up Derek Jeter and she’s over it and sends him off to freshen his drink.

12 Pack strips and he’s wearing these spandex squarecuts and I’m down with it. He leaps in the pool so New York can see what he’s twerking with. She ain’t gonna go in the pool, though Chamo is debating. New York explains that her weave is real human hair. From Indians. And it can’t get wet. She knows the nationality? What? Is that how it’s purchased? Creepy.
Rico makes the huge error of telling New York he wants to call her “little black girl” in Spanish. Yeah, mistake. New York flees because she thinks he just called her the n word. In “her” own mansion! She smokes and freaks to the others. We cut to commercial as the camera pulls away from the red velvet draped front of the I Love New York mansion, which is going to scare the shit out of the pizza delivery guy.

New York sits with the gay dead dog guy who is now called Romance. He’s NUTS. They start talking about the dead dog and we learn that it died by falling down the stairs and breaking its neck. I have to pause the DVR and hold my gut I’m laughing so hard. I’m sorry, I know it’s sad but you know he was trying to dress the dog up in some sort of dog costume from Target and it was trying to escape him and died. Anyway, New York notes that she thinks he thinks she’s his dead dog reincarnated. And feels it’s loony but then thinks she wants to plant trees with him. When she asks about the trees, Romance draws a blank. Which might be his natural state when he’s not talking about the dead dog. Anyway, I think he’s staying which is going to be hot for the show.

Token and Sister Patterson bond, and he starts the usual trying to turn Sister Patterson against the other guys. She recruits him as a spy. They both note that Chance is getting his liquor on and Sister Patterson is unimpressed. Wait for it. Sister Patterson is then talking with Romance (probably about his dead gay dog) and Chance comes over to interrupt. Mr. Boston had more success with this ploy, as Sister Patterson blows smoke in his mug. The producers wanted to make sure we knew she blew smoke in his face so they superimpose CGI smoke over the actual smoke to tell us it’s smoke. Thanks. Sister and Chance get into it. And it’s a lot of screaming and don’t disrespect me and Tiffany smokes too and get out and Chance screaming and having to be restrained. He’s definitely staying. Sister Patterson sits with Whiteboy who seems normal for being up in this mess, and she says she doesn’t want an apology. She wants Chance OUT. Sister has a moue of disgust that puts mine to shame. Hell, it puts the boyfriend’s to shame and he’s got a great one!

New York and her Mom confer. Where was New York during the fight? Probs getting laid. Sister Patterson tells New York Chance needs to exit. New York’s all uh, I like thugs but my Mom was right twice so we’ll see. She takes Chance aside and tells him he has to apologize. New York’s kinda stumbling at this point so I’m thinking she’s had a few. Chamo tries to smooth over Rico’s comment and she still isn’t really having it. Chamo is so wanting to get the chance to suck Rico sideways. I would. He’s cute. Sister Patterson comes out and she’s pulling her pants up and I think she just used the john. Or got laid. She is New York’s mother after all and she really liked Bonez’ Jesus freak schitck. Chance tries to apologize and Sister Patterson flies into a rage and dismisses him and her and New York end the mixer.

Sister tries to help New York pick who’s going? She calls 12 Pack an “undercover gay lover”. They don’t agree on many guys but there’s a lot of cigarette smoke up in there. Sister Patterson concludes this meeting by telling New York that she better make sure she gets rid of that freaking idiot. She might have a point; he’s kind of a loud idiot. But that’s her type and it’s not your show, Moms!

New York comes down in some gold lame, looking crazed. T-Money is going to skin her and wear like a suit. She says some spiel about wanting a man who has her best interests at heart. So he’s gotta be into money, fame, and human hair weaves. Anyway, the serial killer, reality love moment, T-bone with the eye sockets, and a couple of other bores are out. When Chance gets the final medallion (yes, medallion), Sister Patterson has a scripted freak-out. And then has another scripted freak-out in an interview. This is gonna be a long season. New York tells the losers they weren’t good enough for her but she wants a hug from them. Uh, thanks…fuck you! I wouldn’t let T-Money within a mile of me. He’s got his mother in the basement and she’s been dead since 1982.

Chamo comes out with champagne in gold lame bellbottoms. Someone beat his ass with a bottle. Please. And New York tells us she’s in the “motherf*ckin'” house! “Her” house. Not the show’s. Cuz, she was able to afford a mansion. Hah. Shut up, New York.

Next – Trash. Crazy. Guys in thongs? Ok, I’m there.