Gwyneth Paltrow Uses Deadly Snake Venom To Stem The Inevitable Tide Of Hag

August 6th, 2007 // 9 Comments

Jesus H. Christ! Paltrow was seen purchasing face cream that contained deadly snake venom. These crazy women would rub angry bees on their face if someone told them it would remove wrinkles so they could do a few more shitty movies and not look like Betty White.

A spy at Sonya Dakkar spa in Beverly Hills said Pal trow, a frequent customer, walked out with a line of Ultra Lux 9 products – including a cream that contains the spit of a snake. “It’s not Botox,” said one insider. “Just a cream that has the venom in it . . . [the cream] is part of the facials.”

Why not just go the whole hog and try to snog a coral snake? I kinda wish they would.


By J. Harvey

  1. Darth Paul

    LMAO…it’s funny because she does, in fact, do nothing but sh!tty movies.

  2. green cardigan

    Gywneth should leave well enough alone. Her mother is still a good looking older (and working) actress. With a bit of luck, she’ll go the same way. Forget the snake piss or whatever it is.
    I actually think a few crinkles and wrinkles will suit Gywneth. She’s so bland looking. Like half fat zero calorie no salt cottage cheese. ZZZZZZZZ.

  3. Zekers

    I thought she was supposed to be in such good physical condition? She sure appears to be struggling to hold her daughter. Maybe the snake venom will improve her disposition, she always looks like such a sour bitch, like she just bit the head off of a snake or something…hey wait a minute…

  4. Hey, don’t rag on Betty! She’s one of the good ones – genuine in her age and in her love for pets.

    These Hollytards could learn a thing or two from ‘ol Betty.

  5. Czarina, HERE HERE!!!

    As far as Gwynnie…ugh! She could not be anymore boring and uninteresting if she actually tried. She has no acting ability, she looks like a 10 year old dishrag, and has the personality of a wilted cucumber. She should stay in across the pond. (not that they deserve to put up with either, but, hey.)

  6. debkakes

    Ack! First Debbie Harry with the sheep embryos, now Gwynnie with the snake poison…pathetic, just pathetic. Amen to No. 4 commenter above…Betty’s never tried to look younger than she is, and bless her for it!

    Oh, and that kid is huge to be carrying around! Why isn’t it walking or in a stroller?

  7. T-Bone

    Wait – I kind of liked Shakespeare in Love.

  8. devil

    Betty White rocks! She looks awesome and has always been hysterically funny.

    Gwyneth, otoh, should forgo the snake oil and just opt for a paper bag. Cheaper, easier and more effective.

  9. T-Bone,
    I’ll give you that one.

    Although, i think i only liked it because i ADORE Joseph Fiennes =) (nummy nummy!)

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