J. Harvey Liveblogs The Grammys

11:36 PM EST – I’m glad I waited through the commercials to see Canadian clowns dancing in confetti to Beatles re-mixes. Can Yoko sing? Anyway, thanks to everyone who joined me in watching the Grammys. You all are so beautiful! Goodnight!

11:24 PM EST – Uh, are we there yet? We need to wrap this up. J. Harvey needs some REM sleep. God, and what’s with all this Grammy swag? Wil. I. Am is singing “Mack the Knife” and then rapping some dumb ass song about winning the Grammys. This is terrible. Go back to standing behind Fergie. Usher and Quincy Jones roll up. Mark Ronson won a Grammy. Quincy Jones is such a drunk mess. It’s album of the year time, and Quincy felt he didn’t need to be sober for this. Kanye West is praying to win this shit. He’s obnoxious. Herbie Hancock won. Kanye just tried to scratch his eyes out. Herbie Hancock just changed the time from “100 years” to “40 years”. Someone cut him off. Please? Now. This is painful. The boyfriend alerts me to the fact that Quincy Jones looks to be going down. Herbie’s talking about some kind of new day and yes we can and is he running for office? Obama please. The guy beside Herbie’s wife is wearing disco ball earrings. Is this over? I’m actually sober.

More, after the jump!

11:12 PM EST – Bonnie Raitt’s alive and bitter that she doesn’t win Grammys anymore. Little Richard and Jerry Lee Lewis with John Fogarty? The hills are alive with the sound of old! I thought Little Richard hated Jerry Lee Lewis! Wait, shouldn’t Jerry be playing? Ohmygod, is he dead? And shouldn’t Richard be allowed to scream queeny things? Oh ok, Jerry’s alive and has a goiter bigger than mine. Well, pretty alive? Kinda alive? Didn’t he date his 13 year old cousin or something? Pervy. I want Little Richard to scream something queeny! He’s a crazy white lady! He has the best mullet I have EVER seen. He looks ageless. Ageless and demented. The mullet is like a curly wig on top and straight flat iron in the back. He should just turn around and punch Jerry Lee Lewis in the neck. Jerry Lee’s scanning for some LA tail in the audience.

10:58 PM EST – The head of the Grammys or something tells us about MusicCares, and shows us the site of the Grammys museum and artists don’t get paid when their songs are played on radio? God, I hate being educated. Then some dude plays piano who played piano on the Grammys when he was a tyke. if he would turn around I could tell ya if puberty has been kind. No, it has. He’s sorta cutesy. Then we get the rundown of dead people. Does Tina clap when they show Ike’s photo? How many times did that bitch get the last laugh on him, huh? The blind tenor guy pays tribute to Luciano Pavarotti. And oh, god, the boyfriend just got hard. It’s Josh Groban. I don’t GET IT. He’s like church in human form!

10:49 PM EST – Natalie Cole tries to help Tony Bennett with his lines by mouthing them for us. Couldn’t they have made the teleprompters bigger for the elderly? Natalie started that whole sing with a dead guy thing and I will never forgive her. Amy Winehouse won Record of the Year, and she has her own Grammy party going on. I don’t see Cuba. Did his ass get thrown out when they realized he wasn’t Omar Epps? I’m almost touched by Amy’s shock at winning. Her Moms is with her. That party looks hot. I bet there were good drugs. Her Mom looks like someone you could have a beer with and talk about the price of cable.

10:40 PM EST – I just saw the best McDonald’s commercial ever. If you’re watching, you know what I mean. Why is Cuba Gooding in London introducing Amy Winehouse? And talking about her drug problems in subtle terms? Amy looks……sober? Sober. What? I quit. She looks….lucid. Ok, she’s starting to stare at the floor. And have a mind meld with it. I feel better. No, I think she’s sober. And this is hi-def. She doesn’t look jaundiced and I can’t see any track marks. Damn. This was going to be the high point of my liveblog…WAIT DID SHE JUST YELL OUT HER JAILBIRD HONEY’S NAME?!? That’s touching. She’s still crazy as hell. Well, Amy did ok. She actually did really good work. I can close up shop for the night really. What the f*ck was Cuba Gooding Jr. doing there? Big Brother UK?

10:33 PM EST – Two nobodies who I don’t know present the award for Best Rap song. Kanye doesn’t win. Oh snap! Duck! Rihanna and Jay-Z win for “Umbrella”. That’s a rap song? Does she rap on it? Huh? The Grammy academy is weird. I’m waiting for Kanye to throw his drink. First Vince Gill bitchslapped him and now this bim wins Best Rap Song and doesn’t rap.

10:25 PM EST – Joe Mantegna is trotted out to shill for his show and talk about jazz guys. I don’t know a thing about jazz. No one I know does. I do know that people who like jazz and lord it over you about it should be slapped repeatedly. Herbie Hancock plays some jazz. Can he play “Rockit” instead? With the mechanical legs? That was dope.

10:19 PM EST – Ringo Starr is an insufferable prick. Seriously, if you’d left they could have just gotten some other slag to play drums. You can see his inferiority complex playing across his face. Is that the guy from the Eurythmics? They introduce best country album. Some matron who won a contest hands them the trophy. They ignore. Her hair looks good. Vince Gill wins and slaps down Kanye. Someone should. You know Kanye had a friggin’ bitch fit about that one during the commerical. “Who in hell is that fat tired white man who just talked down to me? Does he know who I am? Does he know my Moms kicked from bad plastic surgery? Where’s his good taste? Damn, someone fetch me a water! I need hydration! I need a manicure! Oooh, girl, is that Amy Grant?”

10:10 PM EST – That ad for Life Water with Naomi Campbell and the animated salamanders manages to be inexplicable, grotesque and damn stupid all at the same time. I’m waiting for her to kick one to death. She’s nuts, you know. Stevie Wonder has won 20+ Grammys. He’s talking about Berry Gordy. They run a hot photo of him in the recording studio with Ms. Ross and she has this great facial expression which foreshadows her future dementia. Alicia Keys plays. By the way, her music can be sorta boring but she’s REALLY HOT live. I saw her with Beyonce and Missy one time and she blew their asses out of the water. Alicia unbound her breasts and let her weave down for this one. Alicia’s guitarist is a faux-hawked douchebag. I pray for a sniper. But one of Aretha Franklin’s tits would probably get in the way. Alica brings Mayer out. Speaking of douches. Though I will say his cakes looked perky in that Borat thong. One thing I will say is I like how nowadays all the music kinda crosses over with each other and you can have cool teamups. Or it just melts into an inaudible mess and I have no taste.

10:01 PM EST – Kid Rock drags his mangy ass out on stage to duet with some octonegarian who is probably wishing she’d stayed in her apartment. They also engage in some weird sexual double ententredes. Excuse me while I chemically castrate myself. Ugh. Rock flubs the lyrics, much like he flubs life. He even calls her “sexy” at the end. STOP IT. STOP. IT. I like how Keely Smith (Kiely?) suddenly notes they have one of those pits up front for the fans and she’s like “what are you all doin’ here?” Ms. Smith also notes that you’re supposed to introduce the nominees before you open the envelope. Which they did in a video. Where was she? Couldn’t someone have given her a run-through? Dude, she’s 314 years old….let her be. Foo Fighters win best rock album and they practically have to put Ms. Smith behind the model with the award to get her away from the mike. Bitch is loving the limelight. Pat Smear wants to be her. I love Pat Smear.

9:57 PM EST – My mom LOVES Carole King. She always played “Tapestry” when we were kids. Is that Owen Wilson beside her? Pre-suicidal? Feist’s song kinda loses it’s oomph when it’s acoustic. She needs the horns. And where’s the blue sequined halter? Hot outfit, though. Apparently Cher escaped Narnia with more than one outfit.

9:42 PM EST – Ludacris introduces the gigantic Aretha Franklin. Those breasts could feed millions. We’re saluting some more dead people. That’s fine, but I don’t need a giant cross hanging over the presentation. I watch these awards shows for the worst in human nature, not for Bible times. Lots of ladies take the stage and then some kinda funky multiculti band that reminds me of when they hid Jesus in rock music. Like Bible rock. Like Jars of Clay or something. Ugh. The boyfriend reveals he loves gospel music. I’m not drunk enough yet for that revelation. Can Aretha cover her shit up? One of those kittens is about to bust free. Can’t they make her some sort of dignified diaphanous jacket or something to cover herself with? I’m getting seasick.

9:37 PM EST – Ooh, Chris Brown, Akon, and Beyonce Knowles’ sister Solange. Shouldn’t she be parking the cars? Did Beyonce pay extra to get sis in? Maybe Akon will throw Chris Brown into the audience. He’s known for that. They’re presenting best rap album, and thankfully Kanye wins. Oh it wasn’t an anarchy “A” it was “Mama”. You can tell everyone is very relieved that Kanye won so there wouldn’t be a tantrum and broken nails and tears. Kanye better take those damn shades off, and who the hell says hip-hop is dead? That’s just an album title. When have you been struggling? Sorry about your Mom, though. That sucks. They’re cutting him off and he’s pissed. Mark Ronson’s a personage. He tells them it would be in good taste to stop the music. He’s right, he is talking about his mother. He’s still kind of a cocky princess though.

9:30 PM EST – The boyfriend and I just got a hi-def plasma and the Grammys look AMAZING in high def. I can see every hair out of every place on every broad in here. Beautiful! How many more sports will Will Farrell bring to life in stupid-ass movies? I hope he does biathlon next. And there’s an on-set accident. George Lopez? Is this Comic Relief 89? Cyndi Lauper laughs at George Lopez’s racial humor. Who is Brad Paisley? Oh country. Is he the gay one? Jesus, country is terrible. This bitch has more glitter on his shirt that Lady Bunny’s dildo. Gay gay gay. A lot of my straight female friends LURVE this crap. I just don’t get it. He’s talking about having some girl’s back and front. It’s code.

9:20 PM EST – Bateman introduces the winner of the useless contest, some chick with a violin. Foo Fighters take the stage. They’re seriously the hardest working band in the business. I’m not a huge fan, but I give em credit for their longevity. Plus Dave Grohl has gone on record as hating Paris Hilton and that’s just fine by me. Is that ho here? She’s probably backstage, blowing Andy Williams because someone told her he has money.

9:10 PM EST- I need more wine. Nelly Furtado, Andy Williams and some CBS actress who’s there to plug her show talk about Burt Bacharach. What is this line-up? And couldn’t they have found better footage or a better photo of old Burt? Andy’s having trouble with the teleprompter. Nothing makes me cringe more than awards show flubs. I want to crawl under a rock for people’s pain. Amy Winehouse wins Best New Song or something and Nelly notes that Amy’s in London because she’s a crackhead whose visa didn’t come in time. And she notes that Amy will be performing via satellite and we’ll get to hear what “she has to say”. Uh maybe something like “wot? mrggghgh.” Nelly also notes that she’ll make sure Amy gets her award. You’re off to London? She sounds paranoid that we think she’s putting it in her shoulderbag to go home and pretend with. She’s totally going to steal it. Never trust a bitch who’s wearing a gold Slinky as jewelry.

9:03 PM EST – Cher came from Narnia to introduce Beyonce and Tina Turner. Seriously, she’s about to offer one of the Penvesies some Turkish Delight and ask for Aslan. Beyonce does some tribute to black female artists and it’s hot but her weird green sparkles tux isn’t. And let’s face it, this is all about Beyonce like it always is. Anyway, Tina comes out in this Chanel silver glam halter outfit and her chickens are done. Seriously, TT’s 75, 000 year old nipples are popping out to say hi. I love Tina and her signature dances, the struts and the bending over. And “You’d Better Be Good To Me” is like the best song ever written. Beyonce has to come out and spoil it all. And who in the hell didn’t do her wig? Someone fell asleep on the weave assembly line in Knowles World.

8:53 PM EST – Fergie sings while John Legend plays the piano. Couldn’t she be dead, too? I kid. Everyone’s making like it’s the Kennedy Center Honors tonight. Don’t we have any trashy people available to lighten this up? Fergie starts introducing nominees for best soundtrack and is she rocking a British accent? WHAT? George Martin wins for The Beatles. Fergie has no clue who this cat is. She just wants to go change her diaper and get out of there. Ringo is so high on himself, and he was basically a session drummer with a groovy name. Shut up, Ringo.

8:46 PM EST – Kanye West comes from the future, with pink flames, kickass light up shades, and the damn Matrix running down his jacket. Kanye’s one of a handful of hip-hop artists that can make it translate to the stage. DAFT PUNK! The Grammys just got hot! It’s day glo and Tron and makes me wonder who Carrie Underwood even was. This is some crazy Blue Man group metrosexual hip hop artist shite! Kanye’s got an anarchy “A” shaved into his head. He might want a “T” for tantrum. Ok, now he’s doing the song about his mom. Ouch. Great, way to put a pin in the balloon of my negativity. They give him a standing “O” because well, it’s a song about his Mom who just died. That works better than a rifle in the face.

8:34 PM EST – Cyndi Lauper got herself some tresses and had to accompany Miley Cyrus to present Best New Artist. Amy Crackhouse won. The banter between Miley and Cyndi is odd. Cyndi’s genuine and Miley has no friggin’ clue who she is. Though she does take the opportunity to tell Cyndi that she won best new artist back in like 1942 and I think Cyndi should go for her kneecap. You want a limp, Montana? Jason Bateman’s and his smug ass introduces the conest finalists to play with The Foo Fighters outside the Staples Center. We have to listen to people playing short riffs on classical instruments. I like how Bateman refers to the chick with the bass sitting down as “lazy”. You know Jason is thanking christ he somehow found a career after “Valerie’s Family”.

8:24 PM – What in the name of all that’s holy did Fantasia do to her head? Nasty. Blond crew cut with some kind of bangs. You’d better slap the shit out of your hairburner, Tasia. Tom Hanks gives a brief tribute to the band. Take a load off, Tom. Then he launches into the a tribute to the Beatles. Sorry The Band, your five minutes is up. Is Paul in the bathroom? Yoko’s music is slightly less jarring than listening to an evisceration but I admire how she doesn’t give a shit. Why would she, she’s got John’s money so she can wear a silly top hat. Ringo’s wife looks good, she was a Bond girl. Tom’s talking about the power of the Beatles. Oooh, Cirque De Soleil! And “Across the Universe”! The boyfriend loves that shite. Is Tom Hanks going to cry? Cirque De Soleil is so boss. I would probably go to Vegas just to see this craziness. There’s some girl in the air and a bandleader is stabbing her with a clarinet? What? That chick in the red is jacked up with muscle! Like Madonna arms! That’s not a car? This is magic, magic I say! I’ve had wine, sorry. Though this seems like a rough performance and it probably looks better on their Vegas stage. Then some young kid sings “Let It Be” from “Across the Universe”. This is J. Harvey’s favorite Beatles song and if you have a problem with that, I’ve got a backhand for you. He’s joined by a songstress who brought her pipes. Great, the boyfriend’s tearing up. God, can’t we just have some bad fashion?

8:18 PM EST – Did we need a Morris Day & The Time reunion? How old is Morris Day? Bitch babysat Janet Jackson. Oooh, Rihanna’s flogging her umbrella line! Ohmygod, the dancers look real dumb. Rihanna appears to have killed some pigeons and made a dress. She’s cutting edge, and now it’s a mash-up with “Jungle Love” and “Umbrella”. Ok. “Please Don’t Stop The Music”. Better. Seriously, though she’s wearing pigeons. I like her dykey hair though. I want her to change my oil and look glamorous doing it. She’s one of those Whitney Houston types that doesn’t dance. I can deal, she could be Mariah-ing that shit and looking like she has a clubfoot when she tries to dance. The Time’s back. I like how Rihanna is now a backup dancer to the 80’s. Hot.

8:10 PM EST – Prince is here introducing the Best R&B Female Performance. Women LURVE his tiny ass. Women are screaming. Do you know who Prince is? Prince makes a joke about how Frank Sinatra is really dead. Alicia Keys won for “No One”! I dig that jam. It’s kinda boring but I bob my head to it. I like how Alicia just kinda rolled her eyes when she won. The rest of these bitches would kill for this award and she’s like “again? Please.” Alicia thanks God, because God is the one who told her to take that role in the amazing film “Smokin’ Aces”. They start cutting off her speech, and this bitch is the host! And wow do they award a lot of awards and not film it.

8:07 PM EST – Alica gives a “Grammys is magic” spiel. It’s the 50th Anniversary of the Grammys. Alicia’s boobies are tightly bandaged. Carrie Underwood’s here with uh….Stomp? Oh terrible. Stop, this so 90’s. Carrie looks good, but I’m still mad at her for singing about vandalizing people’s new trucks. F*ck that noise. Bitch would be in jail. Now the faux-Stomp people are like dancing with fake lead pipes. She’s not a bad singer. This song is wretched and she’s an American Idol factory offering but at least she’s singing.

8 PM EST – Frank Sinatra talks to us about the Grammys from beyond the grave. For some reason, Frank always struck me as someone who would drop “dago”, “gook”, “fag”, or “colored guy” into his conversation so I keep waiting for him to launch one of those. Alicia Keys and her up-do start tickling the ivories and singing. Along with dead Frank Sinatra. Why didn’t they just dig up his corpse and prop it up on the piano? I would seriously rather see Paula Abdul dance with MC Skat Cat. Alicia’s got some hot pipes though….

7:53 PM EST – Ok, CBS just ran an ad before the final segment of “60 Minutes”. They ran down all the guests, and only Kanye West was called “The Sensational…”. WHAT? Here’s my question, is it because his Moms passed away and they wanted to cheer him up? Or was it because he’s lost twice and got diaper rash? It better be because of his Mom. Otherwise, CBS it a big vagina.