Let’s give the boy a hand!
On the season four premiere episode of HBO’s Game Of Thrones, viewers caught up with Jaime Lannister the handless wonder. Cersei had the palace blacksmith make him a golden hand to fit over his awkward stump, but that doesn’t mean she wants his hands on, around, or nearby her body.
These two psychologically insane twins used to be thick as thieves, frolicking in the grass, humping in the towers, and doing anything that might make the rest of us not used to incest completely squirm with awkward discomfort. But all of that is in the past for now. Cersei is a drunk whose father is making her marry the younger, handsome, yet totally gay Loras Tyrell.
Tyrell takes one large sword made of Valyrian steel and creates two smaller swords. We can assume as viewers that it is Ned Stark’s famous massive long sword, “Ice”. He gives one of the new forged swords to Jaime. But his favorite son isn’t as favored with only one hand. Jaime doesn’t want to inherit Casterly Rock, he doesn’t want to take a wife, or have a family.
Not to mention he has King Joffrey, his idiot nephew, continuing to bust his balls now that he is disabled. And Cersei won’t bed him anymore. Brienne of Tarth tries to remind him of his oath to Lady Stark, to protect her daughters and return them to their family. But most of the Starks are dead now. And Jaime thinks Sansa will be more safe with his brother Tyrion, nearby and in the quarters of King’s Landing.
Tyrion has been relegated to greeting random Lords and Princes entering King’s Landing for the royal wedding between Joffrey and Margaery Tyrell. His true love Shae is the handmaiden of his new teenage wife Sansa and that shit is awkward as hell. Shae wants to lay him, but he is trying to remain loyal to Sansa.
Tyrion is confronted by Oberyn Martell whose sister was married to the former king before the Lannisters/Baratheons took over. So he hates the Lannisters and warns Tyrion that his family will get their revenge.
Jon Snow is back at the wall and is appearing before the Night’s Watch council who might execute him for breaking his oath. He boned a wildling chick, he is kinda sorta a deserter, and he killed his fellow crowe while with the wildlings. He warns the council that Mance Rayder, the king on the other side of the wall, has gathered an army of over 100,000 men who are coming to kick the ass of the North.
Ygritte and the wildlings encounter a group of Thenns, who apparently eat people for dinner. Like, for real, they’re cannibals and shit. Ygritte can definitely hold her own, but her group accuses her of missing Jon Snow’s vital organs when attempting to dispatch him via her arrows. How romantic!
Khaleesi is getting a bit worried about her dragons because those three are getting big and fighting. Jorah doesn’t think they can be tamed. Daario tries to woo her a bit with some flowers around the city of Meereen, where there are more slaves who need freeing. These new assholes are setting up dead kids’ bodies as signage to guide Dany’s way into their city.
The Hound is still with Arya, which is good seeing as she just witnessed from afar her mother and brother being slaughtered at the red wedding. He may not be a trained psychologist, but he is better than nothing. They are starving. Arya wants a horse of her own rather than having to ride with the Hound. When they see a group of buffoons, the same ones who murdered Arya’s pal earlier and took her sword, “Needle”, she wants revenge. The Hound doesn’t want to make the effort, but chases after Arya.
When they enter the tavern the men are fighting over who will rape some poor tavern girl first. The Hound and this one douche bag have a convo. He wants the Hound to join their merry troupe and rape and pillage with them. He tells the dude to screw off. But they are provoked and the Hound lays waste to all but a few men. Arya watches from afar but notices when the Hound needs assistance and aidas him in killing that douche bag she wanted revenge on. She seems to enjoy killing these men and isn’t frightened at all. She revels in it. It’s alarming, sad, and exciting to witness. And now she has her sword back.
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