If you want to stay alive it’s best to avoid weddings in Westeros.
On the latest episode of HBO’s Game Of Thrones, the Lannisters and the Tyrell’s put on the most extravagant and expensive wedding one could ever dream of and it didn’t disappoint. But it wasn’t the decor, the dress, or Margaery’s fugly mop that served as a hair-do that wowed the crowd.
It was the death of one of our least favorite characters.
But let me back up. The episode began with Ramsey Snow, Theon “Reek” Greyjoy, and Ramsey’s latest girlfriend hunting down some poor girl with their arrows and rabid dogs. This served just to remind us how awful Ramsey truly is and when his father Bolton comes back home he is annoyed that Ramsey took the Theon torturing a little too far. Remember how he flayed his penis? Yeah, that.
Now he wants Ramsey to take Theon and some men to find the Stark boys and make sure they are truly dead this time. Theon proves his loyalty to Ramsey by not even slitting his throat after hearing that Bolton killed his best friend Rob Stark at the Red Wedding.
Jaime is ashamed of his lack of right hand and refuses to train his left for fear of word getting around that he is a cripple. Tyrion helps him out by having his man Bronn meet with his older brother and train that lefty to fight.
Varys lets Tyrion know that Shae is going to be killed very soon if the imp doesn’t send her away. When she comes to see him he shuns her and says horrible things he doesn’t mean so that he can get her to be sent away safely. Tyrion truly loves Shae and it is a huge sacrifice to be mean to her, but it’s better than her death.
The rehearsal dinner for Joffrey and Margaery is quaint and happy. Mace Tyrell gives the teenage king a massive goblet, Tyrion gives the king one of his best and most favored books, and Tywin gives his grandson the new sword made of Valyrian steel. The king takes the sword and slices the ancient book to bits in front of everyone. He makes fun of Ned Stark’s beheading in front of Sansa, yet again.
Melisandre burned three people as sacrifices to the God of Light, one of whom is Stannis’ brother-in-law. Stannis’ wife isn’t even upset as she has wholeheartedly accepted that cray cray bitch Melisandre into their lives. She even hints that her own daughter should be punished, but Stannis refuses to let anyone even strike the girl. Instead, Melisandre visits her and reminds the little one that there are not seven old gods, but only two. There is the God of Light and the God of Darkness, always waging war and that hell is where they live right now.
Bran has a trippy Mog experience after finding a red leaved tree. He hears the word, “North” and tells his group he knows where they need to go.
Margaery and Joffrey wed. Sansa is annoyed. Tyrion is grateful that Sansa doesn’t have to be married to his idiot nephew. Bronn lets Tyrion know that Shae is truly gone and tells him to drink the pain away. There are musicians, performers, and funny men to entertain the king at his wedding day.
Jaime reminds Loras that if he is to marry Cersei that she will make sure he is murdered and if he impregnates her, she will kill the child. He can never be married to her, says Jaime. Loras responds by saying that neither will Jaime. Brienne wishes the king well and tries to leave, but Cersei chases her and thanks her for taking care of her brother Jaime. Brienne is flattered to which Cersei accuses her of loving Jaime and it is clear that this is true. Brienne is certainly in danger of Cersei’s wrath.
Even though it is Margaery’s wedding wish that all the leftover feast go to the poorest people in the city, Cersei tells Pycell to make sure it is intercepted and goes to feed the dogs. Later on, Cersei and Tywin meet up with Oberyn Martell who has a whore with him, but he calls her lady. This insults both of them, but he reminds them that raping women and killing children are more evil than calling whores ‘lady’, something that the Lannisters did to his sister when taking over the thrown. He also reminds Cersei that her daughter lives near him.
After a troupe of imps performs the death of Sansa’s father and insults Tyrion, he can’t stand it any longer. The king asks him to join the troupe, attempting to humiliate him in front of the crowd, to which Tyrion sarcastically reminds everyone that Joffrey was brave in battle and is a virgin before his wedding. The king pours wine on his uncle’s head and makes Tyrion fill his wine goblet, but drops the cup, kicks it, and generally acts like an asshole.
A massive pie is brought in and the king partakes. Tyrion is ordered to bring his nephew another goblet of wine, but when the king drinks it he starts to get parched, then he starts to choke, then he collapses. Jaime and Cersei run to his aid, but when they turn him over it’s clear that he’s been poisoned and dies right in front of the whole wedding party. Cersei automatically assumes that Tyrion is the murderer and has him arrested. Sansa is led away by a rogue knight whom she pitied a few months back and who owes her his life. He does this before anyone can notice and intervene.
And queue the applause! Joffrey is dead! What did you think of this episode? Let us know in the comments below.