You’re probably in shock right now, because last night’s episode of HBO’s Game Of Thrones was boob free. Yes, there was not one sex scene or pair of tah-tahs shown. It was down to business and quite a relief.
Catelyn Stark is still at Renly’s camp and trying to convince him that her son Robb has no interest in the Iron Throne. It’s all happy and congenial until… BAM! That dementor smoke monster dude of doom swoops into the tent and ruins everyone’s day.
Ghost man straight up stabs Renly in the back and the dude is super dead. His insanely buff lesbo guard Brienne is in shock and when Renly’s guards enter the tent they think she has killed him. She fights and kills them like the badass that she is and then falls to her knees to weep for her king. Catelyn is like, ‘Yeah, that really sucks that he is dead and all, but we need to drop the mike on this bitch before someone throws us both into the dungeon yo!’
The next day Loras is upset at his lover’s and Renly’s beard wife Margery just wants to be “the Queen”. Petyr Baelish is all over this sweet opportunity and pretends to care, sending word back to Cersei (Lena Headey) and Tyrion. They worry that Stannis will be furious over his brother’s death and she is still butt hurt over her little daughter getting shipped away to the highest bidder. Apparently, King Joffrey has some next level shit up his sleeve and she is not telling anyone what that means.
But Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) has his ways and he confronts Cersei’s latest incest lover, some douche bag cousin of theirs, and he tells him in a very tiny secret tent in town square that Cersei making maaaaaagic fire power that is going to eff Stannis’ ships up royally. Rock on. Tyrion checks that out and realizes, yeah she has straight up been pyromancin’ in secret.
Meanwhile, the newly baptized Theon is ready to rock as Captain of the shit show ship, but even his neanderthal crew thinks he is a joke and so does his creepy sister. Girl has thirty ships and he has shittiest ship. Poor Theon.
Arya is now in enemy territory serving Tywin and he figures out she is from the North, asking her what they say of Robb Stark. Apparently, he rides wolves and shit, so she is throwing out that braggadocio to scare these mofos before realizing she has to look out for herself. She says that anyone can be killed, even Robb Stark. Out in the square she bumps into one of the prisoners she freed who tells her that he owes her three deaths and they can be any three people she wants. She immediately chooses that torturer from last episode and soon enough, he is super dead. She realizes this death thing could be pretty awesome for her in the future
Jon Snow is stuck in the snow and the group sees a camp of Wildlings across the way. Jon is all over this and Sam takes over his duties while he is gone. And also, Jon Snow (Kit Harington) looks amazingly hot and brooding in his furs and furrowed brow and all that.
Tyrion tells the pyromancer to show him Cersei’s stock of fire power and realizes there are over 7,000 bottles hidden beneath the city. He then says that those belong to him now and he will be using them for some future shitstorm.
Back in fancy town Quarth, Dany (Emilia Clarke) is dressed to kill in a sweet little light blue number and even though there are whack magicians just replicating themselves at random. Then a faceless masked woman tells Jorah that he needs to keep a close eye on that blonde babe, because everyone wants a piece of that. Xaro wants to wife that and tells Dany she can have it all if they fight together for the seven kingdoms. She considers it, but Jorah essentially confesses his love for her and tells her she deserves the throne to herself because she is kind and will be loved as the true Queen of the Seven Kingdoms.
Brienne and Catelyn are on the run after the whole dementor smoke monster debacle with Renly. Brienne is extremely upset that she could not save her king and she decides that she will now bind herself to Catelyn until Lady Stark gives her the go on killing Stannis.
Little Bran is back at Winterfell dealing with boring villagers and having dreams that the sea is up to the castle walls and Sir Rodick was ready to take them down. This doesn’t sit well with Tonks…errr… I mean Osha.
By episode’s end we get a sweet, sweaty, hot shot of Gendry’s killer bod and Arya tells him his sword fighting is the worst. She schools him in the art and gets ready to use Jaqen her assassin for a couple more kills. Rock on. It will be awesome to see Arya grow into the badass that she truly is and Game Of Thrones just gets better and better.