After last week’s terrible tragedy on HBO’s Game Of Thrones, Jaime Lannister is officially doing the walk of shame. His right hand hangs from a rope around his neck. The jerks around him throw him in the mud, poor water on his head, and make him drink possible horse urine when he attempts to wield a sword with his left hand. Brienne protests and tries to help, but is held back. Jaime has hit the lowest of lows and begins to get very depressed.
Brienne tells him that she knows he saved her from being raped by a bunch of douche bags, that he told them her island of Tarth was full of sapphires when it is really referred to as sapphire isle due to the color of the ocean around it. She tells him to stop whimpering and get it together because he can’t quit. And so Jaime discontinues his hunger strike and eats his dinner. These two may be the best pairing of misfits we’ve seen in awhile.
Tyrion visits creepy bald dude Varys to see if he can prove that his sister Cersei tried to have him killed. Tyrion realizes that he doesn’t have the connections he needs to find things out. Then Varys tells the super weird and sad story of how he became a eunuch, but having his manhood cut off by a sorcerer and that he has had to bide his time in order to get revenge. At the end of their conversation Tyrion realizes the box in the middle of the room holds that very sorcerer and Varys is planning on doing terrible things to the man.
Meanwhile the members of the Night’s Watch are in shit city, shoveling manure for gross old bastard Craster aka the dude who sleeps with all of his daughters and then kills any of his sons by feeding them to the white walkers. Classy bro. They have a funeral for one of their fallen crows who died from starvation and complications of an injury. The watchmen have had it and start to complain to Craster about what a piece of human shit he is, but he doesn’t care. Finally someone snaps and kills Craster. When the Lord Commander tries to put a stop to the madness he is killed also. The loyal watchmen start to fight the rebel watchmen and it is total chaos. This makes for a perfect opportunity for Samwell to save Craster’s daughter and get her newborn son out of harms way.
Varys talks to Ros to find out that Littlefinger has ordered two feather beds for his voyage to Eerie. They assume this can only mean he is planning on sneaking Sansa Stark out of the kingdom. Varys approaches old Lady Olenna to let her know that he thinks Littlefinger is planning on marrying Sansa so he can unite with Rob Stark and have a full army at his disposal.
Margarey approaches Sansa and tells her she wants to be friends. She wants to marry Sansa to her super homosexual brother Lorras so the two ladies can be queens together. Obviously, Sansa doesn’t know Lorras’ sexual preference, but she is happy to have a friend in Margarey.
Cersei is all butt hurt because she is not longer the apple of her son Joffrey’s eye. Lady Margarey has his ear and is manipulating the shit out him like a boss and he is enjoying it. Cersei approaches her father Tywin and lets him know that she thinks the marriage of Joffrey and Margarey is a bad idea, but he essentially tells her to shut her trap. The Tyrells are a huge ally and he says that if Cersei can’t control Joffrey than he will.
Theon follows his rescuer back to what he assumes is his sister’s place. He admits that he made a mistake trying to please his father and should have been loyal to the Stark family. After this confession he finds out that this so-called rescuer brought him to another place to be tortured even more. Poor Theon.
The Brotherhood Without Banners take Gendry, Arya, and the Hound to a cave where they put the Hound on trial. He says he never murdered anyone without it being a cause to protect the king. Arya reminds him of her innocent friend who was blamed for attacking Joffrey and killed. The group decides that the Hound must fight to the death against their leader as punishment for his crime.
Daenaerys goes to collect her army of the unsullied 8,000 men. Jorah thinks she is insane for promising the Valyrian leader her best dragon. She hands him the dragon on a chain and then takes the whip which controls the army. She makes sure it’s a done deal and then begins to speak Valyrian to her new army. She asks if they’re loyal, tells them to kill all the men and leaders around them, and then tells her dragon to burn that Valyrian bastard. Before he is lit aflame he asks her how she speaks Valyrian to which she replies that they are her ancestors and it was her mother tongue back home. What a moron this guy! Did he do any research before this business deal?
After the Vallyrian leader dies, Dany tells the army that they are free to go if they please, but if they stay and fight for her they can fight for the sake of freedom. No one leaves and each follows her and her dragons out of the city. Jorah is in shock and possibly has a major boner after witnessing his lovely Khaleesi show off her sexy power. When are these two going to get it on?!?