“The Agency” officially premiers tomorrow on VH. Lucky that you have a thirst for gossip and/or fashion, because I have a sneak peek for you. The first episode was catty, full of bleeping to hide loosely dropped curse words, and the honest degrading of models. I loved it. It is real and although free of Tyra Banks, contains drama, drinking, and plenty of tears shed.
Lights, camera, put the fork down bitches. Pink, who is a middle aged man oddly enough, makes you do a double take off the bat. A slightly balding and grey man (with plenty of cushion) fends off wannabe models as he coolly and blatantly tells them to piss off. In an open call for models Pink is like a flaw seeking missile. “Too old!” and “Ugh, too fat!” are just a few of his repeated problems with the slew of women desperate to be a runway queen. One woman sheepishly hands him her resume and explains that she gave up everything including a restaurant she owned to model. His answer, “Well, it’s time to open a restaurant.” Another wannabe with attitude questions him after he politely informs her that she isn’t right for the job. “What do you suggest?” the girl asks offended. Pink hands her back her head shot and spits, “Umm, do something else.” Fantastic.
Discover Why Mid-Week Drinks and Spanking Between Friends Never Mixes With Work After the Jump.
It is fashion week and it is obvious that tension is burning like jet fuel. Becky, a British bitch that I now idolize, has an ice pack on her head readies herself for a meeting with one of her models. Chloe drags her Princess Buttercup looking ass into the office and Becky wastes no time. Apparently she has been slacking on doing her runway homework. “I swear I’ve been starving and doing like a hundred sit ups everyday!” Becky rolls her eyes and doesn’t believe a word of Buttercup’s lies. She then whips out the dreaded measuring tape to find that her fleshy meal ticket has put on an inch and half. “It’s like the Pillsbury doughboy Chloe! You have gotten fatter. Yes, I just said the ‘F’ word.”
Pan to Lorri, who is part of the men’s board. She is a sleek brunette that is chewing a piece of Big Red, trying desperately to understand Tyler. Tyler walked straight off the summer catalog of Abercrombie and Fitch and into the office. Trying to use his big boy words he stumbles along a conversation involving revamping his image. Using too many big words for the 15 year old looking mother-fella in front of her, Lorri tells Tyler to ditch his bored surfer look. Sean, the President of Wilhelmina, wants to cut said Abercrombie front man’s hair. At this idea, the mystic tan junkie seems ready to cry as a pause ensues. Accepting the fate of his Malibu Barbie blonde highlights he agrees to get his hair snipped.
Flash to lunch date with Dieter. The man behind the thick glasses and thick accent is the owner of the agency. Sean runs in apologizing for his tardiness like he just pissed off the fashion mob boss. Dieter who places his paper calmly down beside him clasps his hands and gets straight to biz. In a short and “get this shit taken care of, I am an old man with connections” way the meeting is over. The message is clear. The women’s board is struggling and everyone knows it. Make this problem disappear or Jesus himself won’t be able to revive your career after I am finished with you. Sean nods and calls Pink as he leaves the restaurant. In true domino form the ball is handed to Pink who promises results. He then enlists Becky with the problem. You have to love corporate problem solving.
A moaned “Ugh!” catches the attention of everyone back at the office as Pink and Becky sit chewing over the problem. In the background you hear a slur of English berating as two secretaries sit eyeballing each other. One finally asks, “What is going on?” Unaware that if the two people fighting in a board that is supplying their afternoon giggle-fest don’t find a way to increase numbers, they will be back a Payless handing out shoe horns and hosiery made foot condoms.
Meanwhile Pink is desperately trying to get a word in as Becky rants on, “That’s not your fault if the girls get fat, the girls get spoiled, they can’t speak English. We are doing everything possible for them. Why can’t we just have five girls that walk in here that are tall, skinny, and can walk like demons. They’ll do well. At the end of the day, you can’t make someone book a girl they don’t wanna book.”
At this she takes a breath and Pink finally speaks. “Do you know how I stay optimistic?” Then he makes that grievous mistake of taking an early breath and Becky, with her ball busting accent, saddles him up like a miniature pony at the fair and starts back in. “Well if I was getting paid a lot of money, I would sit here and suffer in the silence too. I too would be like ‘oh you know we’ll just keep battling away and we’ll take the finger pointing from above.”
Pink finally interrupts again with “They don’t want to hear all this, they just want results.” Becky and her hoodie spits back with, “well what do they want us to do pull a Supermodel out of our ass?”
This stuff is almost gold. Finally, hope comes in the form of a mousey looking model. She was flown in from Alabama to try out for fashion week. Becky is beyond pissed with the lack of results, describing her as overweight, can’t walk, and only hungers for ‘fucking’ sandwiches instead of being a top model. They sit down together and beady eyed Robin describes her “Southern Breakfast” that consisted of enough cholesterol to off a small country. Becky, practically ripping the sandwich out of Robin’s hands, tells her to loose 10 pounds and turns into a drill sergeant of beastly proportions. She waves her index finger like a white woman with acrylics and damn proud of it. “You don’t listen to me, your off taking a fucking piss! Your like a kid. I am not your mother.”
After the commercial break, Princess Buttercup fails to show up for her meeting. Becky is beyond furious as she details all her excuses, which have inlcuded walking pneumonia and sprained appendages. Today’s excuse topped them all as she claims to have been eating biscotti and broken a crown off her tooth. A barrage of disbelief comes at every angle from the office. Meanwhile, Chloe sits at a restaurant eating a ketchup soaked cheeseburger that was the size her head.
Hooray, Tyler struts back in with a hair cut. Miraculously he has morphed into an attractive GQ worthy big boy. Everyone is pleased. He then takes off his shirt and takes a few photos. Now I am hooked. Things continue to turn around Robin is learning to walk “like a demon.”
Of course, drinking follows the hard day at the office. Becky and Lola spank each other at the bar. The night causes Lola to fall asleep on the job. Pink is furious. He calls Lola out and she exclaims behinds tears “I was feeling ill and put my head down. Becky was I asleep tell him I wasn’t asleep.” Becky who can clearly hold her liquor is perky and washes her hands of whatever happened. Pink tells his bitch to go clean herself up. After Lola gets her shit together and takes on the task of Chloe yet again. Ugh. Drop this bitch like she is plague ridden already and be done with it.
Tyler tries out his new look with the good people at Macy’s. They eat it up and the flamboyant duo in charge of booking have him take his top off. More washboard goodness. We bask in the glory of pecks and the we are whisked away to Robin who lands her first fashion show. She doesn’t end up as fashion road kill on the runway and Becky is satisfied but not impressed. A last dramatic look at the real life cast and the show ends.