What kinda kickass telenovela name is Helio Castroneves? He should be covering women with honey and showing them what it’s all about with that name! He will love you up, and then he will love you down! Helio is a Brazilian race-car driver and two-time Indianapolis 500 winner and he won “Dancing With The Stars” last night! Ok, I don’t watch the show, so I can’t actually feel any of the excitement. When Joey Fatone lost last season, I went on strike. Not a hunger strike, obviously. Anyway, Helio defeated Mel B of the Spice Ladies and Marie Osmond for the win. Did you ever think you’d read that sentence. “Dancing With The Stars” wasn’t without drama this season. We had Jane Seymour augumenting her boobs for our dancing pleasure, Marie taking the floor in some kind of dramatic faint for the judge’s sympathy and Sabrina Bryan’s (who?, some sort of Tiger Girl, or a Cheetah? Emu?) partner (in real life as well) Mark Ballas dislocated his shoulder during the finale. Sabrina is clueless about what went on as she said, “I’m not really sure what happened. He was hurting bad enough to want to go [to the hospital]. He’s a dancer so he has to take care of his body.” Did you ask him? Damn. What kind of lover are you? If this much mess is going on (plastic surgery for the winner, fainting and crazy injuries) then I think I need to return next season. Or hell – be on it! I don’t think I’m made for those pants, though. Ugh.
More reaction shots from the “Dancing With the Stars” finale after the jump.