‘Downton Abbey’ Recap: Mr. Bates Is At It Again

Jimmy Goes Shirtless
Ed Speleers Takes It Off At Miami Beach
Oh no he didn’t!

On the latest episode of BBC’s Downton Abbey, Mary is still juggling new suitors, Rose is still dating that hottie Jack Ross, and Bates may have gone completely ballistic and murdered a dude. What’s the big deal anyway?

If Downton didn’t offer us this weekly dose of drama we wouldn’t know what to do with our sad and pathetic peasant lives.

Lord Grantham goes to America to help out Cora’s corrupt brother who apparently took some bribes to drill oil or something. Thomas goes with him and orders Baxtor to spy and be sneaky and shit. Snore. The good news is that the cat is away and the mice will play.

Tom and Mary realize that they need a dude to take care of the pigs because, hahaha, let’s face it, Mary sure as shit isn’t going to. Am I right folks? His name is Mr. Drew and Lady Edith even loves him so much that she thinks, “Hey, he is good at raising pigs! Maybe I should give him my child to raise!”

Aunt Rosamund put the kibosh on that plan by reminding Edith that it wouldn’t work and someone would find out that the kid was hers when she visited the baby constantly. She decides to take Edith on a nine month long trip to Switzerland where she can have the baby and give it up for adoption. They tell Cora that they’re going on the trip so Rosamund can improve her French. But granny ain’t buying that shit.

The Dowager brings the two ladies into her home and forces them to spill the beans. Luckily, she is very supportive and thinks the Switzerland plan is a good one. Or here is an idea you idiot old-timey English people: keep the baby and raise it in your massive mansion, throw reputation to the wind, and hire another nanny?!?

Mr. Blake comes to visit while Mary is sitting with baby George and little Sybbie. The baby cries and Blake calms him down. Marriage material? Mary is certainly weighing her options.

Ivy gets a letter from Alfred who asks her to marry him, but she is like, “Nah. I’m good.” Daisy and Alfred have a heart to heart and decide they’ll always be friends and appreciate each other.

Mary knows that something is up with Anna. When Lord Gillingham announces he will come to visit, Anna finally tells Mary that his valet Mr. Green is the one who raped her. Mary wants to tell people and get the dude lynched, but Anna doesn’t want to stir up trouble.

Tom sees Rose and hottie Jack Ross together in town and decides to tell Mary. Can we acknowledge that Mary would be the most judgmental person to tell anyone about anything ever? But anyway, she approaches Rose who tells her that she is marrying the dude just to piss off her snooty mom.

Meanwhile, Tom the outsider runs into his new friend Sarah and helps her fix her broken down vehicle. The two have the same political interests and Isobel has been encouraging him to get involved politically for a while. A new wife may be in the cards for lonely Irish sadsman Tom.

Gillingham arrives and while the rich folk have dinner Mr. Green is in the basement having dinner with the staff. Bates is giving him the death glare and asks him where he lives in London. The idiot tells him. Well, you’re as good as dead, asshole. Mary decides to go to London to talk with Jack Ross and talk him out of the engagement and because Anna is going with her, Bates asks Carson for the day off, definitely not to murder Mr. Green ever, because Bates would never do that. No.

When Mary meets with Jack he admits that marrying Rose would be a bad thing for her and decides to call off the engagement. Darn! Mary goes to meet with Lord Gillingham and let’s him know that his valet is a major douche and he should fire the bastard for reasons she can’t tell him. Because Lord Gillingham will do anything to get in Mary’s bed, he does exactly what she asks.

Cora throws a village bazaar and the staff help out. When Mary returns the bazaar is underway and Lord Grantham surprises everyone by arriving home early. Thomas demands all the updates and gossip from Baxtor and Moseley, her new boyfriend is like, “Back off, bro!” Then all three of Mary’s suitors show up and the women start giggling at the possibilities for her. Anna asks Bates what he was up to on his day off and he replies, “This and that” and by “that” he probably means beating Mr. Green to a bloody pulp and dumping the body. But who can say for certain?

When Gillingham arrives he tells Mary that yes, he fired Green, but also the dude was found dead because he stumbled into the street and was hit by a car. Oops! See you in hell you rapist twit!