Dirt: Yep, It’s Still On…

Previously – Courtney’s hair was its usual chestnut glory. It was a little on the dark side last episode, but much livelier than the episode before. Was there a creme rinse in there somewhere?

Hello. Thanks for subjecting yourself to this show again. When last we met, it sucked. And I’m sure it will suck again this evening. I actually have an idea how to make this show totally hot. First, scrap the entire cast and set, and everything else to do with it. You can keep Courtney on as producer and maybe have a shot of her and her gorgeous hair at the end of the credits. Maybe we can call it “Courtney’s Hair Productions.” You know, like “sit, Ubu, sit,” except it’s her hair and not a dog. Anyway, to keep it in the family, they should cast Alexis Arquette (Courtney’s husband David’s transsexual brother) as “Lucy Spiller.” Alexis will be a drag queen that goes around starting shit with other drag queens, and spreading gossip.

More Dirt (the actual show), after the jump

Occasionally, she gets in trannie fights. There will be wig snatchings, who has the best tuck contests, vogue battles, estrogen rages, lots of lip synching, straight guys into trannies, the works. You can still call it Dirt, but it will just be a lot cattier and fun. And we’ll have intrigue, There will be a tranny who fathered another tranny when he was still a man, and their story. Alexis will be dating a marine, and a cop at the same time and has to balance the two. There will be a serial killer going around killing club DJs for playing extended remixes of LCD Soundsystem and Alexis has to solve the crime. There will be a naive tranny named Chickie who is from Illinois and she/he has to learn the ways of the drag queen world. And a trannie who married a rich guy and is now all kinds of Alexis Carrington. This shit could be huge. And then Alexis publishes it all in his/her free tranny newsletter that she makes on her pink iMac. The newsletter is called Dirt. See, it all ties in. Ok, you’re right. I totally took Gossip Girl and Veronica Mars and smashed them together. It’s just that Alexis Arquette is much tastier than Kristen Bell. Well, interest-wise.

The film executive that Courtney’s currently writhing on is here to pick her up for their date. He’s in a limo, and bearing champs for her. She looks hot in her dress. See, there are some positives to be had here. Oh, this evening’s episode is the big awards show. I’m curious to see what Dirt’s tiny budget will do for it. Three extras in the audience and looking like cable access no doubt.

Don gets dressed for the show, and his brother from Cleveland or whatever is admiring his tux. The brother’s tall and getting annoying. He wants to know if Don’s banging Sharlee Cates (uh, the girl from Growing Pains with block face).

Euronaire rolls up, clothed, to pick up Gay Publisher. They have two women with them. Those poor, demeaned objects. Sharlee Cates picks up Don, and she’s wearing a pink, yarn wig with a jeweled headband. At least someone on this show has some taste and class. She’s wearing hot pink lingerie and changing clothes. Don is taking photos of her ass with his suit cam. She doses him with something that I don’t quite catch but I am so unconcerned with the goings-on in this show that I don’t rewind. Suffice to say, it’s probably a bad idea to give a schizophrenic hallucinogenics, right? Or will it actually have any effect? Can I have one so I can endure this mess?

Oh, it’s called the Hollywood Gold Awards. And it’s Brie, Gouda and K-Fed all rolled into one. Blonde Reporter is there and acting spiky towards Emo. If you’ll recall, they banged last episode. Holt shows up and Blonde asks him softball questions. His co-star is the black actress who used to be linked with him. She’s here, greeting her major league baseball ex-husband who probably punched her in the head and made her deaf. What? True story! Or was that Wesley who hit Halle? Hey, I only report em’ as I see em’.

Sharlee pulls up with Don, wearing a dead animal and a pink Play-Doh on her head. What the-…? Oh, and here’s Rosanna Arquette playing Madonna. Or, a sad Madonna. No, not the one holding Jesus across her lap in sculpture. It’s been a long time since Toto, huh Rosanna? The chick that played the hooker on Firefly rolls up into the middle of the tense four-way between Holt, Luck, film guy, and black actress. She got a horrible haircut. She was so pretty on Firefly and now it looks like she’s playing the last round of chemo. Who did that to her? How did Joss Whedon allow this to happen to her?

Sharlee helps Don sneak in a camera. Her pink hair is mesmerizing. I bet it tastes salty. Film guy realizes that Courtney and Holt have a thing. Jasmine (black actress) is blitzed, and it turns out she’s a drunk ass. Yawn. Call me when she shoots the place up. Jasmine collapses and pukes while presenting an award. Still less painful than the Oscars.

Courtney, Blonde and Emo go over the footage of Jasmine yakking up her career on stage. Supposedly she’s been sober for over a year. Obviously the whore from Firefly dosed her drink. Was Jasmine the one made her head look like Jan Brady’s wig and she wanted revenge? Courtney wants Blonde and Emo Reporters to get the scoop. Emo explains what kind of pills he used in college that could have done that to her so fast. He’s like I didn’t have women. Probably because you were slurring, puking and unconscious. Blonde and Emo are still sore at each other because apparently someone sucked in bed or something. I don’t know. Who cares. The only thing I’m annoyed about is that the giant airline engine block from Donnie Darko didn’t strike them.

Euronaire wants Gay Publisher’s date. He spins some kind Hemingway-esque bullshit about girl swapping. Sharlee Cates is the most beautiful character on television. Her pudgy legs, pink hair, and that dead animal up on the podium – it’s like Christmas laid out before us. Rosanna Arquette strolls out and I want to find a way to get my Dirt revamp proposal to her to give to Alexis and David to give to Courtney. I also want to ask Rosanna if she misses the days when she was dating Peter Gabriel and didn’t have to guest-star on these crap TV shows. Oh, she makes out with Sharlee to heat her career up. It just looks like the opening scene of really bad girl-on-girl porn. Strike that, girl-on-girl porn filmed in the San Fernando Valley has better production values. Blonde Reporter talks to Holt and Jasmine’s publicist, who tells her that Jasmine was dosed.

Courtney approaches Holt for some emotionally unavailable flirting. He lets it spill that Jasmine was supposed to be off the film, anyway and this will probably seal the deal. Hi! Look to the butch cut chick! DUH! Film guy watches Courtney flirt heavily and he’s pissed. Blonde and Emo hit up some sort of appetizer buffet and debate whether or not Jasmine was clean or not. Can they all just drink the purple Kool-Aid? Blonde and Emo trick Jasmine’s ex-husband into doing coke with them to pump him for info, except they didn’t want to use real coke but it somehow happens that way. So they’re all fake TV coked out. Ugh.

Sharlee goes back to see Rosanna Arquette, who I think just went #2. Sharlee says she’s honored that Rosanna licked her uvula. Rosanna is cold as a glacier and is like eff off, Pinkie Tuscadero! She also calls her stupid, mentions her “snatch”, and the like. I think Rosanna might have a part on my Dirt revamp. Don tells her that she looks old. Rosanna also had Michael Jackson operate on her nose. You can see THROUGH IT.

Film guy confronts Holt. He’s only got “booze and pussy left” he says. He describes having sex with Courtney for Holt. Courtney gets bent over a sofa? These two are going to do the man dance. Courtney goes to confront Holt. Courtney has hot arms. Gay Publisher’s date is getting the pitch to switch up her men. Ugh. She recognizes she’s being pimped. She wants one million. Nice! Emo and Blonde are still trying to figure out who doped Jasmine. The women on this show look very cheap, except for Courtney. Courtney’s brilliant. Euronaire dopes Gay Publisher up with some kind of illicit Cealis-type shit. Film guy dumps Courtney.

Sharlee took off her pink wig. My image is blown. Don tries to cheer her up. He has to explain the word “incongruity” to her. She sorta makes a play for him. And then goes down on his lap. To rest. Pervs! Courtney figures out that it was probably wiffle girl who drugged Jasmine. Gay Publisher lets his date know that she got turned down. This girl is hot. She tells Gay Publisher that his Jaguar smells of desperation. I think he gives her his car? Courtney confronts the badly shorn actress. Euronaire ends up with both chicks and gives Gay Publisher a hot ride. It’s a car. Pervs!

Don isn’t giving Courtney her story about Sharlee and Rosanna Arquette.l Courtney isn’t having her insane minion hold out on her and tells him so. Emo and Blonde get over their tension and do it again in the limo. Why is Dirt’s receptionist dressed like a SWAT team? It’s dangerous up in there. Gay Publisher gets home with his new ride, parks it in the closed garage, and hopefully offs himself. Courtney leaves to go see Holt and make out. So Courtney’s getting herself even more penis and I think her competitor is dead. Hot week!