Dirt: Thank Christ, It’s Over.

April 14th, 2008 // Leave a Comment

Previously – Courtney’s hair reached a happy medium. It looks soft to the touch, with a deep chestnut color. Absolutely beautiful. Oh, and there’s some people running around and working at a gossip rag. It’s seriously the worst show since they remade the Bionic Woman.

Celebrate! This is the last one. Are any of you still with me? Hello? Anyone? Can you hear me? Jesus, I’m alone. Alone in a cavern of bad TV.

Courtney avoids a call from her Moms. Her curves are kickin’ in a vertically striped tube dress. She gets the news that Gay Publisher accidentally killed himself. The morgue attendant shows her the body, and he looks a little wonky-eyed. Paris Hilton is jealous. She IDs Gay Publisher’s body with the erection. Does she ID him by the erection?

Emo Reporter has a story about some former child sitcom star that gained weight despite her contract pushing a weight loss plan. Blonde Reporter used to date Gay Publisher and feels all sad because she once had that erection inside her. Courtney could care less. She bangs Holt and they joke about his death. Remind me to call her for that professional mourner gig.

More Dirt, after the jump! Apologies in advance.

Courtney notes that he died trying to fit in. She’s also concerned about a film Holt’s doing with some crazy actress. Blonde and Emo get after it under a really ugly bedspread. Whose lava lamps are those? How old are these people? Did Wal*Mart have a sale? Emo is nude, and has to leave and help a friend. There are lava lamps everywhere. EVERYWHERE. It’s like Spencer’s Gifts.

It turns out that Emo’s pal he bailed out is a gay guy who used to be a teen heartthrob and got busted blowing some guy in an alley of a bar called Iron Fist. That’s subtle. What’s the address? He asks Emo to keep it out of Dirt because he got a new job funded by the Jesus Freaks.

Don’s slurping soup and some loud woman yells at him. It turns out that it’s the sitcom star that Emo told Courtney about. She’s eating fries. He takes her photos and she freaks. Don, leave this show while you can! I’m telling you, call Joss Whedon!

At Gay Publisher’s funeral, it’s as cheesy as you would imagine. Euronaire is there with two Nubian lovelies with matching hair, and jewelry. Everyone’s on his or her cell phones and Courtney is laughing during the whole thing. Did he back spinkick her aunt who’s the nun or something? Euronaire speaks bullshit. Emo and Blonde get it on in the mausoleum. That’s appropriate. What’s this crap music? It sounds like competitive ice-skating. Emo and Blonde let the caretaker watch them bang.

Courtney’s Mom is dead. She died during plastic surgery. Are you gonna make jokes NOW, Death Clown? Don tries to talk to her sweetly. He keeps looking at her. She finally talks about how she doesn’t understand why people engage in dumb behavior that gets them killed. Blonde snoops around about who Emo bailed out. Courtney and Holt discuss her Mom. Holt looks cute with on-set pancake makeup. Holt gives her some bullshit about leaning on each other. She doesn’t want it to come out about them yet. Well his ex did stab her ass and then die!

Blonde Reporter finds out about Emo’s gay friend. Courtney’s at a really ugly house with her brother. It’s got a lot of stained glass and curvy windows. Ugh. They discuss the death. Courtney acknowledges that her mom had a plastic surgery addiction. The sitcom star gives a show to the photogs about how fat she is now. Then she goes berserk and in the best scene of this entire series, she maces all of them. Courtney and her bro attack the plastic surgeon that killed their Mom. Courtney will just roll up on your consultation. She doesn’t care. She wants the doctor to make her mom look amazing in death. Then she has her gay brother punch him.

Cut to the mall, where Sharlee’s out with her baby. Photogs descend. Is it really like this? I almost feel guilty for being a blogger. Until I note Sharlee’s “Fierce” t-shirt and black bob wig. Oh honey. She loads her kid in the car, but forgets her stroller. Chaos ensues, the car rolls away with the baby but Don saves the day. This show’s fairly sick so I was waiting for a pterodactyl to sweep the SUV away.

Lucy’s in mourning, but the cleavage is a little much. The sitcom star can’t get a colonic tube out of her ass, so she called 911. Emo and Don are on the case. They roll up on her in the hospital. Sitcom star talks about how Courtney weighs next to nothing and she’ll kill her. Blonde has Courtney read about Emo’s gay friend on the can.

Courtney’s Mom’s friends are all plastic surgery junkies. This show is so hard to write about. I think it’s killing me. I think I have hives. Bitches want to know who did her Mom. Courtney cries outside the funeral home. Don and her assure each other that they’re each other’s rocks. I feel the love. Is this mess renewed? Did Courtney sleep with enough people?

Emo finds out Blonde screwed him over. Courtney could care less. Euronaire is here. He’s here to personally offer his condolences. And to show her a sex tape he found in Gay Publisher’s things that’s labeled “Lucy.” Courtney denies sleeping with Gay Publisher. Probably because of the hair. It’s actually Blonde Reporter with a Courtney wig on. I’d be jealous of the hair, too. The gay in question, the actually gay one who blew someone in a bathroom, arrives to whack Emo. Blonde sticks up for him but who cares?

Holt shows up to Courtney’s and tells her that he’s going public. She’s into it. She introduces him to her Mom’s ashes. I thought Don was the schizophrenic one. I’m counting the minutes until this is over…and it’s done.

Next – hopefully a lucid programming executive at FX smartens up.

By J. Harvey

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