Dirt: How Is This Show Still On The Air?

Previously – There was….some gossip? And Courtney Cox had a magazine? And does anyone watch this show? I could be manscaping.

Courtney’s is looking very dark this episode. It might be the bad direction and lighting. Even the production values of this show look cheap. It could be in Blu-Ray and still look tawdry. Is that the point? She’s in bed with the film executive from last episode that helped her bust the pedophile actor. Courtney’s a crusader.

Don calls her. That slut he’s supposed to follow around is missing a boyfriend. I take special pleasure in the fact that the slut is played by the little girl from Growing Pains. She was also in that commercial where she yelled “BROWNIES!” in a scary, little girl, hissing voice. She’s gone far, playing fourth fiddle to Courtney’s

More Dirt, after the jump!

Anyway, the slut’s boyfriend is moving out and he called every photog in L.A. The place is lit up like Christmas. Does this show offend people in LA? Or is it worse? Offended by a shitty show, more like it. Courtney Cox lets everyone know she had a penis in her vagina when she strolls into work. She asks for a show of hands about who else did. One guy’s lying, but he counts Thai massages.

Roy Toy is the name of Growing Pains’ daughter’s boyfriend. Blonde Reporter is after him. She better be after another show to be on, because this one stinks like fish. There’s some other storyline about a hot chick being with some tool. I can’t keep them straight. Is it because I sorta do this for a living and real life is way more interesting?

Courtney refers to vagina as “soft taco”. She’s edgy. I could cut myself on her edges. Her main love Holt was seen leaving a hotel at 3 AM with some actress. Blonde Reporter and Emo Reporter do their usual tired-ass duel that no one cares about. They discuss the stories they’re working on, and then he goes into his girlfriend troubles.

David Arquette directed this mess. It was nice of Courtney to throw him a bone. Normally, he works as sperm donor and official hair brusher. He must brush her hair like 15,000 strokes a day. And get sex points for extra silkiness. Blonde Reporter gives Emo a realtor contact so he can get his own place.

Courtney is wearing some total femdom boots and checking out the work of some British photographer. Don’t you even make Don work harder than he already does! He’s the only part of this show that I can stand! Seriously, I want to take his character and transplant him into a Joss Whedon show or something. Courtney wants the scoop on Growing Pains’ daughter’s breakup. And Don gets iffy because he has feelings for the trampasaurus.

Courtney wants Don to record their conversations. And Don’s against it and Courtney snaps on his ass. Don’s like “that wasn’t nice.” And he says it just like the boyfriend does when I snap at him! And it’s also when I’m wearing MY femdom boots! Does this mean my boyfriend is a childlike schizo photographer? He does take nice pictures. The slut’s name is Sharlee? Courtney asks him not to take away her “fun.”

We find out Roy Toy left Sharlee because she was taking his kid to clubs at 3 AM. If I were a child, I’d treasure that sort of real world experience. Blonde Reporter is totally playing K-Fed Lite. Sharlee smokes weed in a “brutal” manner. Mr. Toy says he didn’t split because of money. And he gives Blonde Reporter a cd. Coaster!

Don and Sharlee discuss lofty matters by the pool. This one’s a real winner. She’s sort of a Britney stand-in but I think she has drawers on and her hair looks real. Sharlee claims she took the kid to the club because Roy Toy made her. And that he’s the one who grows the devil weed. Sharlee says that he was cheating on her anyway. She wants Don to find out whom Roy Toy left her for. This is more gripping than Spencer For Hire. Sharlee has that kind of Julia Stiles panface look. I’m hoping it’s the makeup.

Wow, Don is totally Adnan! But with less douche outfits, and not much swarthiness. It’s bad when I would rather watch an Ashton Kutcher camera commercial than this show, right? Don stakes out Roy Toy’s ex-wife and talks to his laid-up brother. His brother got in a DUI. They have a brotherly talk. These two actors actually have a kind of chemistry and sound like realistic brothers who don’t see each other much. I realize that I’d rather watch a show about these two messed-up dudes than watch sad character actors portray the tabloid disaster of the month in thinly veiled characters. Don realizes that Roy Toy used a double and backtracks to the rear of ex-wife’s home. I think I’d like to backtrack to Roy Toy’s rear.

Courtney is getting her taint waxed, and doing business by phone. Her cutesy assistant with the Tourette’s is assisting her. I would rather eat glass than get my grendel waxed. “Grendel” is another word for taint. One of Courtney’s hoes is a lezzie and wants to climb the model that Holt was seen with. No, wait, this is another model. His penis is well traveled.

Don is eating a crazy popsicle and watching Roy Toy play with his kids. How hasn’t he been busted for pedo stuff? Courtney sends him off to photograph Holt. Don doesn’t think that’s a great idea since they only just recently ended up leading Holt’s ex to her death. Courtney’s over it, and yes, Don does get busted for pedo stuff by a mamacita. Courtney continues to get her triangular mystery yanked free of hair. The woman doing it is vaguely familiar and one of her sources. Was she on a sit-com? She looks very NewsradioThirdRockFromTheSunSuddenlySusan. I might throw up watching Courtney’s bare lower half get waxed. Is this some weird fetish of David Arquette’s or did she lose a bet with him?

Courtney doesn’t like when her waxer gets too close. I wouldn’t either; she’s probably covered in pubic hair. Courtney is paying her $2,500+ for info. She knows stuff about how the pretty actress and the tool actually had sex. Mesmerizing. Blonde Reporter and Emo Reporter discuss his love life some more. Blonde Reporter lets Courtney and her luxurious mane know that Sharlee is paying for Roy Toy’s ex-wife to take care of his kids from his previous marriage because she feels guilt over breaking them up? Really? Is that how Shar Jackson stays afloat?

The British photographer is up in Courtney’s bitch. He’s here to seduce Courtney out of a job. His accent is setting my loins a-racin’. He’s got the job. Maybe Don will go off his meds. And hopefully take the cast with him. Don’t get any blood on Courtney’s hair, though.

Blonde Reporter approached Roy Toy’s ex-wife who uses the expression “Christ on a crutch.” Just for saying that, she needs a bigger role. Debbie Ann, the ex-wife, is annoyed that she’s being asked why Roy Toy sucks when she hates Sharlee. She uses this expression, “you can put sequins on trash, but the trash still stinks”, when describing. The caliber of writing on this show is so bad that I could probably get a job on it and I haven’t had an original thought in years.

88 Minutes is the perfect example of how they put all the best parts of a shitty film in the trailer. It looks horrible yet I love things exploding and people smashing through windows. Damn them! Al Pacino needs a walker, we’re supposed to live with this? Courtney is upset because even the ex-wife is in Roy’s corner. She’s a feminist, that one.

Emo Reporter has proof that pretty girl and ugly guy banged. Hurrah! I’m so excited I could stir on my couch. Holt McLaren and his latest fling are walking around in a dark alley. It looks very “I’ve got a date with a transsexual.” We’re talking Eddie Murphy territory. Don photographs his ass. Holt looks fairly satanic. I like that in a guy. Holt tells him to stop keeping tabs on his life for Courtney. He leaves with his post-op. She’s leaning against a brick wall hoping the hands don’t give it away.

Don goes to see Courtney and says he’s through taking pictures of Holt. Courtney assigns the new British guy the job. Roy Toy appears to be having an affair with Debbie Ann, the ex. This is so twisty. I will never get in untangled. Sharlee has donuts under a glass top. Does Britney really have that? That’s hot. Sharlee makes him a sandwich, and he explains that he’s schizophrenic but getting better. She merely sighs and smiles. Frankly, I’d want to know more. I don’t think she knows what that word means. They get closer. Can I have donuts under glass in my kitchen? I get depressed.

The pretty girl and the tool (kind of Kid Rock smashed with Clint Howard) stroll up into the Dirt offices to prove that they’re making sweet, sweet love. Sharlee gives Don and Blonde Reporter a tape of Roy Toy. She made Don treats. She’s sweet. Courtney eats Chinese food with the film exec she’s pumping. It turns out Sharlee put a camera on Roy’s phone. He’s mean to Sharlee. Maybe she’s out of donuts and he’s hungry.

Courtney is looking at pics of Holt while after glowing from film exec. Guess he’s not doing her right. Blonde Reporter and Don watch hidden camera of Roy Toy with his maybe not ex and the kids. It’s true, they’re banging. She has a “Roy’s Toy” tat on her ass. I want one of those. On my ass.

Don and Blonde Reporter are still watching footage of Roy and Debbie Ann banging and probably jacking each other off. They talk about getting money off Sharlee. It was all a scam! Still twisty! The British photographer guy sticks a knife in Courtney’s heart by telling her the pictures he took of Holt were made easier by the fact that Holt and his ladyboy seemed to really be into each other.

Sharlee is pruning a bush, not hers, and Don tells her about who Roy Toy is sleeping with. Sharlee doesn’t take it well. There’s some sobbing and hair in the mouth. Her boots are hot. She starts cutting off her hair with a garden implement. This storyline just got so much better. She offers some to him to sell on the Internet. She’s actually hanging it off trees. Don photographs it. Who wouldn’t? Don needs a maid. His brother shows up. He might turn around and crutch away when he sees this mess. Even the walls are filthy. Wait, was there a fire? Don leaves immediately, so he’s not much of a host.

Blonde and Emo exhibit their lack of chemistry some more. They have sex. Ewww. Imagine two bookends tapping up against each other. Don gives Courtney the photos of Sharlee giving herself a haircut. Don is complaining about their profession. Courtney is all, nut up, Don. Don thinks that Courtney’s pissed because she can no longer control him with her beautiful locks and he freaks out on her. He screams in her face.

Courtney goes to see Holt. At his trailer. Courtney looks her age in this light. Holt proposes that they start over and get it right this time. Without anyone dying or stabbing someone. They don’t kiss and she leaves. Couldn’t you just die from the tension? I hope Don’s alright. I only watch this show because I get paid too, and I like Don.

Next – I’m guessing this show will still suck. Hopefully they show some more male ass so I don’t fall asleep. And more self-hair styling. I liked that.