Dirt: ‘Home Improvement’ Would Have Been So Much Hotter If Richard Karn Had Played His Character This Way

Previously – Previously – this show sucked.

Don, having recovered from his imprisonment at the ends of Mr., Mrs., and baby Gimp, is dressed like a waiter and scoping the crowd. Everyone’s at some party for this studio’s 50th anniversary.

Courtney Cox hair report: it’s fairly shiny, but still not as lustrous as when the season began. Some dick in a suit rolls up on her to flirt. He makes some sort of bad joke about ass kissing. God, who are these writers and why are they tormenting me? He’s getting divorced, and wants to date her.

Apparently, they used to date. I thought Courtney was exclusive with her vibe, and that boring guy whose girlfriend she drove to stab her? Courtney wants to know who Dark Guardian is. I guess that’s some movie superhero. In this universe, the comic book writers are as bad as the Dirt writers. It looks like Dark Guardian is some TV cop star that’s putting on the aforementioned Chap Stick. Can someone set an alarm for me?

More Dirt, after the jump.

Courtney sends Don to get a photo of the TV cop next to the Dark Guardian poster. Don doesn’t seem to be exhibiting any sort of side effects from his stay in Sharon Lawrence’s dungeon. And her kid tried to blow his head off except the lack of bullets got in the way. Schizophrenics are tough. They can take a licking and keep on hallucinating.

Pale and boring Holt wanders over with what looks like Rosario Dawson. Rosario wants to make the cover with Holt. Can Holt put down the water pipe? Damn, he’s got devil weed eyes. Courtney ends up banging the dick in the suit. He has to answer his Blackberry during the f*cking. Who is he, Paris Hilton? He gets some intense phone call and Courtney’s on it like white on rice. She copies the number into her cell phone when he goes to get whine. I still can’t get over the fact that we’re supposed to root for her on her missions. She’s not saving lives. I think I’m conditioned to look for the hero. It’s like people rooting for me to figure out a new way to call Jessica Alba “stank.”

Was there really a need to remake Prom Night? Brittany Snow is no Jamie Lee Curtis! Wait, was she in that? Who cares, Jamie Lee was all you needed in your horror film back in the early 80s. That and a killer whose mom made him wear dresses as a child. Courtney goes to the office, and deals with Lenny Kravitz if he sounded like Seal. Lenny informs her that they need to photograph the Dark Guardian costume if they’re going to run a story about the wearer. It’s true. I was one of those ‘tards trying to see the Cloverfield monster before the movie. It was a disappointment. Not enough tentacles, and it certainly didn’t kill enough hipsters.

Don will get the photo. Blond Reporter traced the dick in suit’s phone call for Courtney. The number belongs to a show that tracks down cyber-predators. Like Dateline! God, that kitchen is so hot. “Don’t move, I’m just doing laundry. Want some ice tea?” Suckers. Blonde Reporter duels with Emo Reporter accompanied by exactly no sexual tension. His girlfriend dumped him for “writing garbage for a living.” They seriously have no chemistry. It’s like watching two walls stare at each.

Dark Guardian catches Don stalking at him at his daughter’s school and goes ballistic. Jeez, it’s not like you were picking your daughter up for a date and got caught! To Catch A Cyber Predator is a hot show, and it’s apparently hosted by John Tesh if he got thrown headfirst into Stone Phillips. Blonde Reporter can’t dress, and lets it out of the bag to Courtney that she’s sharing a story with Emo. Courtney makes a blowjob comment. She should have made more of those on Friends. I would have watched more. Courtney doesn’t like guilt in her reporters. She wants them to be as cold and mindless as this show.

Holt’s at a function with Rosario Dawson and he gets asked if he hates Jews. It turns out his Dad is a neo-Nazi. HAH! Hey, Mel! And oh my god, his Dad is the sidekick from Home Improvement. The bears love that guy. And he’s a racist! This show just got better. I bet he hated Tim Allen. Tim Allen smells of douche. Don’s gone to see Steve Sanders’ stepbrother who works at the employment agency. He looks sorta like the kid from last episode that tried to shoot him. He ranks on Don’s schizophrenia. Don gets the name of a woman at the Dark Guardian studio whose kid has cancer. What a darling profession.

The actress playing the seamstress from the studio has played every sad Russian woman on television. If there’s a head kerchief and a snow bank and Red Square involved, she’s been involved. She says that God will punish her for giving up the costume. Don gives up some Bible verses to convince her. And offers 20K. Bitch, take it and cover your tracks. Your kid’s got a tumor.

Courtney tells her assistant to cancel her mother. Daughter of the year. That crazy hooker played by the little girl on Growing Pains rears her ugly….ass. Don bought her a dress, and took photos. Courtney counsels him against getting hurt. Don asks for 20K and Courtney verifies that God isn’t actually speaking to him or involved in anyway. I think God’s all set. I’ve seen pics of Vatican City, and several hundred priests got away with banging children for quite some time. Holt’s high ass shows up with some publicist bitch to complain about Nazi Home Improvement Dad making the cover of Dirt.

Dad is there and Holt goes to speak to him. Dad calls him a “faggot” and inquires after his earring. You know, I had an earring once and I’m no….oops. Home Improvement is loathsome and he thinks people want to hear his “brand of truth”. I want to hear what Tim Allen was like! Holt lets us know that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s “indifference”. Deep. Courtney makes sure Holt knows that she’s on his side. I don’t know if making sure people get to read about Holt’s Dad’s Final Solution fandom is exactly solidarity.

Emo Reporter meets with a dude in a wheelchair from To Catch A Cyber Predator. They go back and forth about how their lives suck. Oh, and the cryptic dick in suit phone call concerned the head of the studio showing up to diddle some underage tail. Hot! Wheels shows up with a persevering production assistant with a hot tape. She’s funny. She wants half a mil. And then a quarter mil for Wheels. He wants to pimp his ride. I love these people. Wheels and Bitch Assistant should have their own show. Blonde and Emo have until noon the next day to come up with the money.

Courtney CHEWS them up for not calling her or offering the money. She should slap them, too. Unkempt assistant runs up with a photo of Holt at a white supremacy rally as a kid. His family was interesting.

Is Holt growing a rat’s tail? What is he, from Brooklyn? Courtney rolls up in a golf cart to attack him. Her hair is bouncy, as are her boobs. I like when you can tell when they shot fresh in the morning and Courtney’s all perky and ready for the day. She’s got some dumb and big pants on. Courtney and Holt discuss his ex, the one who stabbed her and got ran over. Holt was ten during the rally. We get some story about Holt’s childhood. It involves beer bottles and a gun. Sounds like my family, except sans the gun and add more beer. Courtney advises him to be seen with Rosario. Holt tries to get up on Courtney. She demurs, because she doesn’t want the Julia scandal to get out.

Don accosts sad Russian lady and her kid. He has money for her. She’s freaked because she signed something. Her son doesn’t look sick, but I like his cable-knit sweater. He looks very Ralph Lauren Kids collection. She gives up the info. Don goes to see Dark Guardian try his tights on. Courtney wants to push soap stars to the end of time. Apparently, someone has never seen the work of Mr. Eric Braeden. Courtney gets a call from Oregon about a car accident. I really want to visit Portland. That’s what this show makes me do – dream about travel.

Don’t up in an air vent trying the shoot the incredibly cranky Dark Guardian. Courtney phones, to tell him that his brother has been in a car accident. Courtney goes to meet the new owner. He’s naked and has a small ass. This guy is such a dope. I don’t want a nude man handing me a glass of water when I’m sitting on a couch. I don’t need floaters. They discuss her contract and Gay Publisher being out to get her. He’s questioning her about the amount of money they’re paying to Wheels and Bitch Assistant for the studio head pedo tape. Courtney’s having lunch with Nude Guy Euronaire Owner Weirdo. His small naked ass is also dining with them.

Blonde and Emo continue boring the viewing audience. Blonde thinks that his smugness shows up in his copy. Oh, who cares? Can they get in a cliffhanger car accident? Can they go to the show about enterprising journalists? You know that one’s going to be making the rounds again. It’s all-cyclical. You’ve got medical, law, journalism’s up next. They get the copy from Bitch Assistant and Wheels.

It turns out that Rosario dumped Holt in the wake of Home Improvement Daddy’s brand of truth. And it wasn’t a studio head that was Cyber Predator’s House of Deception – it was Dark Guardian! And bitch was 13! That’s not super heroic. Courtney’s happy that they got the story. Uh, all they did was pass a check. Damn. She’s easy to please. Don goes to see his brother Jason. It turns out his brother was drunk when he crashed. Their scene is almost touching. Ok, I’m over it. Holt goes on Extra or whatever and talks to the interview bimbo about Home Improvement Racist Bear Dad. It just occurred to me that Richard Karn has really branched out. Wasn’t he doing Family Feud? Holt actually gives an ok interview and Courtney coaches him on his break. These two are star-crossed. So star-crossed that I could faint. Lucy meets with the goofs from Dark Guardian’s studio. Including the one who she f*cked. And the John Tesh guy who yells about the integrity of his show!

Courtney has them screwed on every angle. And she scored a huge coup. It’s so big that their server crashes. Dick in suit got promoted. And planned the whole thing. Everyone’s so friggin’ clever. There’s still a little girl at the elementary school waiting to be picked up by Dark Guardian Dad for ballet practice! That’s all I got.

Next – Growing Pains chick has some boyfriend who….zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.