Denise Richards: It’s Intrusive

July 22nd, 2008 // 8 Comments

Previously – Denise forbid Irv from shipping her gross pets off while she’s in Hawaii. Denise tried to lose weight to fit into bikinis but, exhibiting the same willpower that she has when it comes to other women’s husbands, she failed miserably.

Denise goes to see Kat Von D to take the “Charlie” tattoo off her ankle. The paps swarm her ass outside. Kat Von D says that women are designed to handle needle pain, because they have children. Aren’t those like vastly different things. Kat Von D kind of mumbles and hunches over like a Neanderthal woman. She’s sorta scary. And I haven’t even gotten to the hairless pussy yet. She has a cat.

There’s candes everywhere! It’s like a Satanic church in there. Denise is in serious pain. Not that I ever wanted to get a tattoo but maybe Kat had a point about the childbirth thing, cuz’ ouch? Denise’s crazy friend with the short blond hair is here for her close-up. Denise gets “Charlie” covered with some Tinkerbell slut fairy. “Charlie” looked nicer. So he’s an abusive porn freak! The fairy looks messy and like something a girl with gym socks and feathered hair would have gotten in the 70s. Right before Ted Bundy offed her.

More Denise, after the jump.

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Previously – Denise forbid Irv from shipping her gross pets off while she’s in Hawaii. Denise tried to lose weight to fit into bikinis but, exhibiting the same willpower that she has when it comes to other women’s husbands, she failed miserably.Denise goes to see Kat Von D to take the “Charlie” tattoo off her ankle. The paps swarm her ass outside. Kat Von D says that women are designed to handle needle pain, because they have children. Aren’t those like vastly different things. Kat Von D kind of mumbles and hunches over like a Neanderthal woman. She’s sorta scary. And I haven’t even gotten to the hairless pussy yet. She has a cat.There’s candes everywhere! It’s like a Satanic church in there. Denise is in serious pain. Not that I ever wanted to get a tattoo but maybe Kat had a point about the childbirth thing, cuz’ ouch? Denise’s crazy friend with the short blond hair is here for her close-up. Denise gets “Charlie” covered with some Tinkerbell slut fairy. “Charlie” looked nicer. So he’s an abusive porn freak! The fairy looks messy and like something a girl with gym socks and feathered hair would have gotten in the 70s. Right before Ted Bundy offed her.Denise thinks Charlie will be fine with her getting his name tattooed over. Denise asks the kids if they want to help Mommy pack to abandon them. Denise says she’s going to miss the girls a ton. Not that much, she’s off to an tropical island. Denise is determined to do things on her trip that they normally wouldn’t do with their kids.Denise tells the girls that she’s gone up two jean sizes, which mean she’s going to be turning her unwitting bathing suits into thongs. Sweet Jesus. Denise is scared of flying. She blames 9/11. She also reveals that she’s no longer allowed in the plane cockpit. I can imagine why. She probably had special knee pads that she was utilizing up there until some flight attendant had had enough.Denise reveals that she once had a panic attack on a plane that ended up with her covered in hives and in the ER. That must have been a pleasant flight for the other passengers. Christ, I rather she’d carried a gun in her bag and started waving it around.Denise’s friend asks if she wants help. Her gay assistant finds some company that’s going to fix her. It’s vertical skydiving in a wind tunnel? Uh? I think he’s just trying to get her killed. This iFly thing looks HOT. Denise is a bitch, but I totally want to do this. I have no need to skydive for real, but this looks like the fall would be slightly less deadly.Denise actually makes me laugh when she says they taught her hand signals except for the one that indicated “how to get the f*ck out of there.” She has a point. The girls make their way to the airport. Denise is already stressing about the flight. Trisha says it’s because she’s a mom. Way to be helpful, Trish. Denise starts to freak out and swear at her friend. Who has had enough and tells her to cut the shit. Denise wants Kim to die. They look comfy under their blankets and ended up laughing the whole way. Hasn’t this bitch heard of cocktails. The first thing you do after you get past security is head for the damn bar. ALWAYS have a cocktail before you get on the flight. Flying sucks. You’re breathing in other people’s air. There’s no leg room. And there’s inevitably some sort of child humanoid crying about something.Denise and her ho patrol reach Maui. I feel the jealousy. And the paparazzi are already in the hizzy. Those dudes are bold. One asks her where she’s staying. So you can rape me with your zoom lens? No thanks. Though in the paparazzi’s defense, she is going on vacation WITH A CAMERA CREW. The vacation must have been paid for, because no one seems to mind that. Dumbass Trish even says it will be a drag if they have to vacation with cameras in their faces. Uh, dumb bitch much?Denise and the girls get lost. Michelle makes a racist joke about Mexican cab drivers. Way to bring the Midwest, ‘Shell! The girls check out their hotel, and get to the beach. Everyone calls home. Are you kidding? I would only be reminded that I have children when I was banging some guy and he pointed out my C-section scar.  And then I’d lie and say it was from a car accident.Why are these hoes drinking coffee? I’d have a friggin’ bottle of tequila in between my legs. Oh oh, here’s the paps. Denise covers up her two sizes improved beach bod by wearing some sort of Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves beach coverup with matching do-rag and shades. Oh wait, that’s her sister. Denise confronts one of the paps who magically appears. She wants to know which agency he works for. He won’t tell her. Oh, I hope she calls him a “c*nt,” because that’s still my favorite Denise move.Oh good, they’re drinking. And now Denise is exploiting the natives by making them teach the girls the hula. The girls are learning paddle surfing, and the cameras show up. Denise keeps trying to cover up her belly. That’s rough. Paddle surfing is basically turning your surfboard into a gondola. The girls wear hats indoors, and discuss how Denise’s tits have shrunk. I need to have children, I hate my moobs. Denise is freaked out by the fact that they can sit around discussing their titters. Why wouldn’t you all the time? What else is interesting about you? Denise is determined to find a private beach where they can go topless and not get photographed. They do somehow. Oh great, middle-aged boobers. The girls lose their tops. Ugh. Mom, cut it out! That same weird guy from the airport appears as if on cue and starts snapping. Perv. Ugh, that means he was like stalking them in the trees. Hi, Zodiac Killer. Denise tries to attack his ass but her friend stops her. They only went for the weekend? Denise is worried that the photographer got pics of the girls topless. She calls her Dad to tell him to avoid the Internet. Which I bet he immediately did after they got off the phone. Papa Joe Simpson syndrome!They go home, and Irv’s made cookies. And yeah, the pictures made it online. And apparently Perez Hilton termed Denise fugly. So nothing special. Jesus, this show is like warm milkNext – We’ve come full circle. Denise tries to promote her show and people aren’t very kind to her. You reap what you slut, Dee Dee.

By J. Harvey
  1. CHRISTA

    As always, I am thankful for the recap. I have avoided watching even one episode of it yet! WOOT.

  2. Angelina

    You’re recaps are the best. Way better than anything Perez is capable of doing. At least you have a brain!

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