Denise Richards. What do we know about her? She played a nuclear physicist named Christmas in a Bond movie. Chortle. She splashed her titties in champagne while making out with Neve Campbell in Wild Things. Oh, and don’t forget her best movie – Drop Dead Gorgeous. That’s the one where she dueted with a wooden prop of Jesus. It was a career high and one of my favorite movies.
And then she whored her way into the hottest celebrity love triangle, rectangle, septagon in recent memory when she stole former best friend Heather Locklear’s husband Richie Sambora away from her after she broke up with her own hostile and pervy husband Charlie Sheen. And then throw David Spade in there somewhere. Anyway, since then, Denise and Charlie have had the hottest ex-feud ever with requests for semen, mockery of dead parents, accusations of kiddie porn, trannies, and other assorted tidbits of scandal thrown into the mix. Now Denise has this show on E! which we’re going to recap so you don’t have to torture yourself. Keep reading…
More Denise, after the jump.
Denise is driving around LA looking like your typical California bitch with her plain sister, Michelle. Michelle, plain and tall. Michelle is Denise’s best friend and Denise says she dictates who she dates? Did she choose Charlie? Denise says that Michelle thinks that Denise’s “type” (as in the guys she bangs) isn’t working out. She’s on her way to change her last name back from Richards-Sheen or Sheen-Richards back to her God given one, Denise Lipshitz.
What a fascinating storyline. We get a lot of shots of men walking by Denise as she waits at the DMV wondering if that’s the slut from Wild Things. Denise has a tattoo of Charlie Sheen’s name on her leg. I’m not going to fault her, she’s really dumb and didn’t get the memo that it’s a really bad idea to get anyone else’s name tattooed on you. It just is. I’ll make an exception if they’re dead and you’re honoring them. But that’s it. I don’t care if you’ve been married for fifty-six years, you never know when she’s going to roll over and say “enough is enough.” Didn’t that really happen?
So it turns out that her document is all wrong, and Denise goes through three managers because they won’t let her change her last name on her driver’s license. At one point she says that she’s “sweating and I’m itchy” and proclaims their policies to be “stupid.” True, but the very last thing you want to do is piss off a DMV employee. They’re already evil. Born evil. And if rile them up, it’s like that kid that recently got mauled to death by the tiger. They will pounce and you will be riding a 10-speed to work!
Denise drops the F-bomb to the manageress, who looks pleased that a D-list star just swore at her because it’s a moral she can tell her kids about the slut actress who used bad words in front of Mom and didn’t get her own way. And being entitled and slutty gets you nothing. And stop IMing with that boy SatanCock666 on Yahoo, he doesn’t sound like a nice boy, dear.
Ryan Seacrest is producing this? Figures. The credits think it’s edgy to include all the bad things that people say about Denise, like “golddigger” and “bitch.” I’m not seeing “dumb whore,” though. Denise narrates that we know her as the Bond girl and the girl from Wild Things. She seriously sounds like the numbskull she played in Drop Dead Gorgeous. And here’s an original, her life is all about “family.” If I hear one more of these slatterns drop that line, I’m going to shoot my television. It would be absolutely refreshing if, just once, one of these douches said “it’s not about family, it’s about money! F*ck family. My kids are props! I’m here for jewelry and checks!’
We learn that Denise lives outside of Los Angeles with her two daughters by Charlie Sheen. Her dad is Irv who recently lost his wife, so he lives with them. I’m not going to talk smack on that, but if they seriously keep playing the cancer card as an excuse for Denise to act like a wench, I will start. Denise has a personal assistant gay named Sho who sucks, so she has another girl, Sabrina, come in to pick up her dog shit. It looks like Sho will be the comedic sidekick. This is good because Michelle Plain and Tall wasn’t cutting it.
Denise has so many animals (cats, dogs, and pigs) that her house must smell like shit. There is no way. I applaud (I guess) her efforts to house the animal population, but imagine that mess? Sho, who likes to stir shit up so I might like him, calls up this site that says Denise f*cked all these people. She confirms and denies. She says that John Stamos dumped her ass because she had kids. But “we had a good time, though!” Reverse cowgirl while high on Ecstasy. I’m just saying. And she briefly “dated” Scott Baio. She admitted, that? Damn, acknowledging you’re married to a straight-up loony perv like Charlie Sheen is bad enough. Denise is pretty open about her sexual conquests, I note.
Michelle Plain and Tall is all over Denise about her choice in men. We see Michelle’s husband who looks like what would have happened if the guy from Sublime hadn’t OD’ed. We find out that Denise hasn’t dated a non-show biz guy since high school, and that Sho might actually be Wilmer Valderrama. Seriously, you don’t see him much lately. Maybe he gained some weight and is being true to himself.
Denise is all “I hate dating” and complaining she’s itchy again. First off, why don’t you spend some time with your children and your menagerie and get yourself together? There’s no need to constantly leap back into things. What are you – Mormon? Secondly, there’s some cream for that itch at a pharmacy somewhere. Use it.
Denise goes out to check on her pigs and they’re having sex. She rushes back inside to breathlessly detail the porcine sexual acrobatics as her father leers like one of the hillbillies who gang-raped me that time in the Ozarks. I get the chills. Denise begins describing pig dick and movement in graphic detail. Thanks for that.
Denise’s friend Trish comes over to look at Denise on Mr. Skin. Recapping this show and Living Lohan has shown me that you can tell who the B-listers are. They’re the only celebs who are on the Internet as much as the rest of us civilians. Seriously, the other actors and actresses are WORKING and have no time for this. Trish’s husband is Denise’s chiropracter and Trish wants to set Denise up with someone. You know Denise has already banged the husband. Her legs are open like the 24-hour Walgreen’s down the street from me.
Denise hates dating and she doesn’t want to be set up. She just wants to get right to the celebrity dick with the celebrity wallet attached. “Normal” for her is a rock star. Though, Denise adds that Richie Sambora didn’t do drugs. That ho drinks, though! I wouldn’t let him drive. Denise, Trish, and new friend Natalie (is she Scottish or Irish?) discuss setting Denise up on a blind date amidst a mountain of flowers that Denise bought for herself to display in front of the cameras.
Denise interrogates her pig about the possible pregnancy. She’s waiting for the pig to answer her back. Trish calls with a potential blind date. Denise responds with “my heart just fell out of my ass.” Maybe that’s why she can’t make these things work. It’s ok, her brains are still there. Her date’s at six! The vet and his roving truck are here to determine if slutty Charlotte the pig are nervous. We’re then treated to the delightful footage of Charlotte the pig taking a smash and one of the dog’s eating it. I’m about to end this recap right here.
Charlotte is not pregnant. You can all rest easy. Charlotte won’t have to throw herself down the stairs so that Denise won’t be able to have any contact with her possible children. Denise starts calling places to find pig spunk for Charlotte so she can definitely get pregnant. And you know Charlie Sheen is footing this bill. He must be watching this from his home and banging his head against the forehead of whatever underage boy he’s currently sleeping with in frustation.
Denise and Sho the Mo go to some lady’s ranch to get a pig to do Charlotte right and fill her full of piglets. Denise look at a ton of pigs. She ends up buying a tiny black pig. Is Denise employing Daddy Irv as a housekeeper? Why is he setting the table? There is PIG SHIT on the kitchen floor already! GROSS! And then there’s the diapering of the new pig. Denise keeps mentioning her credits. Then she gets ready for her blind date. Which includes a bubble bath, and calling in her “tanning expert” to spray her ass down with bronzer! Really? Denise is all about asses, and pooping, and testing her man with her interesting background.
Denise meets ordinary guy Austin. He hugs up on her, which is weird. The date consists of the two of them staring at each other. Denise is already mentally crossing him off her eff list. Austin is really awkward and seems more to be into the other celebrities that Denise knows. Austin gets deep and starts asking about Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear and the rest of it. Denise gets all sorts of haggedy-hag and bitterly jokes that “I have her over for coffee every Sunday. We shoot the shit.” It almost makes me laugh, but I am totally on Team Heather. Then Austin starts talking about Matt Dillon, and what a great actor he is. HOMO!
Denise is such a whoreasurus. She tells Trish that Austin is gay (true), and says that she can’t help being attracted to hot, sexy guys with big dicks. Richie Sambora???? Oh, and you cock-guzzling trollop! Denise has a bbq for her Dad, and says that they’re helping each other get over her mother’s death. Then she goes shopping for a grill with her Dad. I swear this show is to let Charlie Sheen know exactly what sort of bullshit things Denise is spending his child support on.
I think Daddy Irv might be a little gay himself. Family and friends show up. Denise gives a toast, and she acknowledges her mistakes. Then there’s some tears. Then Denise gets her pig laid. Denise speaks about pig penis size some more. Kill me.
Next – Pole-dancing, assistants battle, Denise admits she stole Sambora from Locklear, Denise screams at some chick behind a desk, tattoo coverage, and sex toys. *sigh*