Dame Helen Mirren Is One Red-Hot HBIC

Dear Dame Mirren,

I cannot express to you my undying love for all that you do and all that you are as a person/woman/actress/dame.

Just browsing through the pictures of you at the premiere of The Tempest with Julie Taymor and Djimon Hounsou in your sweeping red gown, I fell in love with you all over again. Why is that? I think it’s because even though you are a woman with more life experience than the Olsen’s combined age, you still prove to be a – as Ludicrous would put it – a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed.

And I read today you’re secrets to a thin waistline. “Suck it in.” That’s how I know you are total class. In your interview with Woman and Home Magazine, you reveal that you think only bits of your body are okay. I disagree. I think all of you is wonderful, because you’re a confident woman.

“Four-inch platforms give you great height and make your legs look unbelievably long. I used only to be able to get them in stripper shops, but now you can buy them everywhere – although, unfortunately, that means everyone else has discovered the trick too.” Yes, everyone has found out that trick. But you still rock it out each time I see you on a red carpet. You could even seduce a homeless man out of his yogurt.

You are the epitome of class, of humor, of sassyness.

Your loyal subject,