Crimes and Scandals Of 2009

2009 had its share of dirty celebrity crime and sexy scandals. And shockingly, not all of it featured Lindsay Lohan’s powdered doughnut nose (pay your dealer or they rob you, Linds)! Bitches were being blackmailed, nudie photos popped up, husbands got handies under the tables of restaurants from women other than their wives, and certain dwarves thought it was OK to take out their small man syndrome on their lady friends. Shall we begin?

In a particularly distasteful move, individuals in the Bahamas went on trial for extortion after allegedly trying to squeeze some cash out of John Travolta in relation to the seizure death of his son Jett Travolta in the Bahamas in January. Charming. As of our last posting, female senator Pleasant Bridgewater got off via mistrial. I don’t think anyone would blame John if he aimed one of his private jets at their heads.

Diminutive and violent moron Chris Brown wowed us all with a stellar domestic violence performance in February when he decided to take out his frustrations on his then-girlfriend Rihanna by beating her up after an awards ceremony. Dude, I don’t care how far she threw those car keys to piss you off. Call her a bitch and hail a cab, asshole. He was charged with felony assault and criminal threats in March, and later pleaded guilty to the assault charge in June. Whereas most Americans who did that to their significant other would be bent over a cot in their jail cell right now, Brown got some community service and has to attend domestic abuse counseling. Uh huh. They should have hit him where it hurts and garnished his wages to a woman’s shelter for the next umpteen years.

The Twilight saga got interesting when nude photos of Alice Cullen herself, Ashley Greene, made it to the Interwebz in August. Greene, who had just picked up Fresh Faced Female at the Teen Choice Awards (so she went from slutty to wholesome?) immediately sicced her lawyers on everyone. Usually this kind of thing is a total ploy for more attention, and she seeing as she hasn’t been kicked out of the Twilight gang or anything and got some magazine covers out of it, it seems to have worked.

And while we’re on the topic of nudie photos, here’s Rihanna again! Her own topless pics (apparently taken with a smartphone for an unnamed boyfriend that had damn well better NOT have been Chris Brown) surfaced in May and people were wondering just how much brouhahha can surround a single woman? The Barbadian singer reportedly sent flowers to her mom right before she gave her the news that daughter’s naughty bits were available to wank to online. That’s one way to handle that difficult conversation. Nude photos of celebrities are hardly even controversial now, though. Call us when there’s a sling or a different species involved.

LeAnn Rimes’ squinty face fired up her career by stealing actor Eddie Cibrian from his wife in June. Rimes and the chiseled Cibrian met on the set of one of those godawful Lifetime Nora Roberts adaptions and were spotted dining together in an intimate fashion. Rimes has since filed from divorce from her husband Deane Sheremet, and Cibrian’s wife, Brandi Glanville, changed the locks on their marriage. The country chipmunk might have believed she was some sort of hot shit femme fatale for awhile, until rumors abounded that Cibrian was cheating on LeAnn with some other broad in November. We’re still waiting for the country single from LeAnn that’s going to sum this whole mess up.

Oh, did someone mention cheating? What do you do when your wife pees her pants on stage and acts like it’s nothing? Find a new woman that will wait until she’s in the stall. Fergie’s husband, actor Josh Duhamel, is rumored to have cheated on his Black Eyed Pea with an exotic dancer named Nicole Forrester. Wasn’t her ass on the Bold & the Beautiful? The stripper click clacked her platforms over to the National Enquirer in October and claimed that Duhamel had picked her up at her club in Georgia while filming a movie. It’s not like he deviated from what he likes or anything. Fergie looks like a stripper, so it probably would have been more painful if he had tagged a rocket scientist or a librarian or something.

October was kind of Adultery Month in 2009. In one of more effed up and unbelievable cheating scandals this year, David Letterman was revealed to have been the victim of an extortion plot by the boyfriend of a former employee. You see, Letterman had been thrusting upon said employee, who was a former writer with the show. Letterman handled a classless situation with humor, admitting what happened on the air and later joking about it. In a stunning display of charisma, he actually managed to look like a true victim–despite being married, with child. Oh, and apparently this wasn’t Dave’s first time at the You Need To Sleep With Me, I’m Your Boss rodeo. He also acknowledged that he had affairs with other staffers. Legend has it that the Letterman studio is kept ice cold per Dave’s wishes., but it’s apparently a steamy sex jungle in the writers’ room.

And homely multibillionaire Tiger Woods put the cherry on the top of the If You Kiss His Lips, You’re Tasting My Vagina sundae this year when it was revealed that he has a slut on every golf course! It just goes to show, you can be gangly and awkward but that doesn’t mean your wallet isn’t wetting someone’s panties. After my favorite domestic dustup this year (when Woods’ wife Elin Nordegren went after his fleeing ass with a golf club last month and then claimed she was trying to rescue him from his crashed car with it–that story SO came from a lawyer’s tiny mind), it came out that Tiger has reportedly had multiple affairs through the years. Even to the point where he was allegedly flying whores out to his tournaments. Tournaments that his Mom attended! “Hi, Mrs. Woods, I’m the latest strumpet that your son is hole-in-oneing.” Anyhoo, Woods has since lost some endorsement deals, his wife has reportedly moved out with their two kids, and he has said he is taking a step back from the golf to focus on keeping his peen under wraps.

How the wholesome and not-so-wholesome have fallen.

For all the late in the year Charlie Sheen coverage, check that out here.

Guest post by Cherita Whitechild