Here’s a little far fetched tale from Craiglist New York.
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why Life is Sweet and Why gays are sometimes dumb
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why Life is Sweet and Why gays are sometimes dumb – 32
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Date: 2005-03-23, 12:12PM EST
I thank you, Craigslist, for making my life so easy. I haven’t had to go get a job in over a year and I’m no longer broke. I own my own apartment and paid CASH for it, and its all thanks to the good people on Craigslist who have decided I’m like the United Children’s Fund or UNICEF. I love you all and by the way thanks and yes I”m sorry.
It all started when I ran into a little financial trouble and decided to sell my Mac IBook to have a little cash to pay the bills. I loved my laptop and did not want to part with it. So I put in an ad to sell my beloved Mac IBOOK and had a taker right away for $1600. I told him that I would take the subway to see him in Times Square and that I would be wearing my lucky kangol black cap and a blue coat.
I met the guy a few hours later and showed him the Mac IBOOK. While he had his head down inspecting the brilliant piece of technology, I swiped the envelope sticking out of his pocket with the $1600 in it, firmly grasped MY laptop, and kick-shoved him down the escalator. I got the money for the laptop and got to keep it too. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet. Idiot deserved it, what the hell was he thinking? Might as well have carried a sack with a $dollar$ sign on it.
My piece of shit Ford Focus was on its last legs when I decided I needed new wheels. I took a look at a
couple of them on the for sale section. Then I found THE ONE. Yeah, that sweet BMW 725 Li. So I call the seller and ask him to meet me at the Chelsea Car Wash gas station. I drive the gorgeous beast around a while and ask the seller if he feels a flat tire on his side in the passenger seat. I stop the car while he walks out to take look. “No, the tires are fine.” he says. I thank him for checking and peel off honking the horn for him. By the time he took the stupid look of confusion of his face and realized he got jacked, I was long gone and into the Queens MidTown Tunnel on my way to the Hamtons! Sweeeeeeeeeet! Finally, I’m living again. Drove out to Montauk with the tunes blasting in my new BMW and just singing real loud to that Scissor Sisters Song “Take your mama out” LOL, I guess I did! Then I went to a guy I know who has an uncle who has a friend that knows how to make cars that were not legal, legal! Sweeeeeeeeeet! My luck is flowing now like I’m thinking my Karma really has changed! So we go to this guy’s garage in Maspeth or wherever the bumfuk junk yard mafiaoso guy did his thing to change the VIN’s and buy a registration so theBMW can be owned by me legitimately.
Then there’s the iPod story. I found a seller who had the exact iPod I was looking for, the huge kick ass photo Ipod. Asked him to meet me at Battery Park by the Staten Island Ferry Terminal. He called me on my cell which really wasn’t my cell, but that I rigged by knowing some colombian drug dealer up in Washington heights who also knows how to fix things! NYC is so fuckin sweeeeeeeet! He called and said he was on his way. I saw a little dorky guy with the brand new iPod still sealed walking around. I thought, “No way, this can’t be happening, there has to be a catch — too good, too easy– I can’t believe this — then once again I realize it is someone from Craigslist so it makes sense, right?
I wasn’t feeling too good that day. I didn’t even feel like trying. I walked right up to him, said hi and told him I liked his shirt. He showed me the iPod. After playing with it for like 20 minutes, I said I’d take it. I said thank you and started walking down into the subway.
He tried to stop me and said that I didn’t pay him. I said I already gave him the money and made the most hurtfully confused gesture I could. Ok, I gave a fucking Bette Davis performance better than All About Eve, Academy Award–move over Jamie Foxx–Ray Charles was nothing, I’m telling you.
I said he put it in his shopping bag between the Anime DVD’s he just bought. He checked his shopping bag frantically and found his DVD’s missing as well. He seemed more concerned about his DVD’s rather than the $425 I said I gave him, so I walk swiftly down the stairs and just as the 1/9 train is pulling out of the station and the doors are closing I claw one open and I jump the train. I can’t believe my luck. I got the DVD’s and the Ipod. God loves me right?
On to the Craiglist Personals. This was my favorite. I found myself a bunch of gay men who absolutely fell in love with the fact that I own a BMW 725 li and that I am in shape and over six foot three. That ruggedly handsome smile also helped. I got emails from all over the NYC borroughs and long (wrong) island. Yeah, I told them I worked at St. Vincent’s as a psychiatrist and had all the good pills. Gays love the pills man, I’ve never seen anyone take so many klonopins or xanax in my life.
I averaged about 4 dates a week at the best restaurants in the area. If I liked the the guy I stuck around. If he copped and attitude or wasn’t up to my level, I’d sneak out by saying I had to go to the bathroom and then dine and ditch. Learned that from watching Seinfeld, thanks Jerry!. Saved a TON of money on food spending last month. I lost count after the 12th free meal or so. There were a couple of incidents where I was accused of drugging guys or lying or some shit, but no one could prove nothing so I was like home scott free so to speak, except for some possible bad vibes in certain neigborhoods like 8th avenue. Some people just can’t handle getting played. Maybe if they behaved themselves properly in the first place, the shame they felt for themselves and lack of self-esteem would have prevented them from hooking up with me, taking xanax and drinking and passing out while i went throug their wallets. Anyway, I got plenty of great food (most of the time for free) lots of cash, and some pretty hot lays from guys who spent all day in the gym hoping to be rescued by someone like me driving a great car and wearing my helmut lang suit. It did make an impression. Fuck, I felt like fuckin Alfie! I owned NYC.
Until I made a tragic mistake and figured that I would do another scam on Craigslist and this guy was as smart as me and played me too. He fucking said he had Special K in a water bottle, and I love fucking K so I said let’s meet, and it figures I had ripped him off and he had friends etc. and it was in a warehouse district near 28th and 11th avenue at night and I was basically fucked. So I had to go to an ATM and pay the son of a bitch the dough I owed him or him and his friends were gonna fucking kneecap me. So he was cool basically about it and I said sorry and shit and that he was the only guy I ever did that too and I only did it because I was desperate and poor so he says, OK. No harm done, everything is cool.
Well, end of story, I decided you know what New York City? I fuckin love you and I love the free cash and shit and I hate loathesome people who don’t have self esteem and I shouldn’t prey on them and I should get ajob. So now I got one as a temp in office but I don’t think I’m gonna last because I was really turned on by my boss, this straight hot fuckin hot hung man and he got up to leave his office and I went in there and sniffed his seat, but he came back and caught me. Its like 12 noon so I don’t think I’m gonna last the day, but its okay, Craigslist you got me cash, a car, my laptop and and IPOD. So I guess I can make it in New York City after all and I’m not the prick I used to be. NYC I LOVE YOU.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE.