How Christina Aguilera’s Baby Avoided Looking Like It Escaped From Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory I’ll Never Know…

Wow, the baby’s color almost looks…normal. How is it not that fine Nerf shade of orange that she’s always sporting? Here’s snaps of Max Bratman, Christina Aguilera’s newborn son with husband Jordan Bratman. Christina is doing the baby whoring tour to accompany her multi-million dollar baby photo payday. We’re going to hear a lot of stories about how she gave birth via Caesarean in order to preserve her triangular mystery, and how swollen her boobies are and diapers and blah blah blah. Just put in a stroller, wheel it around for the paps and be done with it! Anyway, Xtina went on Ellen to discuss all of the above and Ellen’s one smooth lady licker because she immediately zeroed in on ‘Tina’s ta-tas. She asked “One question: Are you nursing?” and Xtina replied that it must be “obvious” and Ellen (practically drooling) said “It’s going to be a healthy baby boy.”

Ellen, you dawg! I would high five her if I wasn’t afraid of my hand smelling like Chicken of the Sea. Christina also said that for the baby’s bris, they had “penis ballons” hung up. For those of you not in the know, that’s the Jewish ceremony where they snip the kid’s foreskin. I don’t know about you, but even as an infant, I wouldn’t be amused by the mockery.