Caption It! #86

September 29th, 2005 // 35 Comments
By Miu von Furstenberg

  1. I entitle it: “Forking Richard” — or should we call him “Forking Dick”?

  2. Blazer Mary

    So disturbing!

  3. savvyjt

    Lycra WAS not intended for this man!!

  4. Blazer Mary

    Segment on Martha Stewart: Those kitchen utensils can also be used for bedroom bondage fun!

  5. LuvChoo

    Father forgive them for they know not what they eat.

  6. Amy <3

    Hahaha…This is possibly the best picture ever.

  7. Laura Lord Belle

    Mmmmm! This photo layout is clearly inspired by the Saint-Sebastian , a Christian martyr that is highly admired by gays…Sebastian’s broad and long-standing presence in queer artistic production suggests that there is more to his appeal than the good looks with which he is most often rendered. Rather, several coexisting elements of his narrative make him an enduring trope of modern gay fascination.

    Renaissance representations of Saint Sebastian–mostly paintings of a tender, loin-clothed youth writhing in the ecstasy of the arrows that pierce him–are perhaps ground zero for his appointment as the patron saint of gay sensuality.

    And for seemingly obvious reasons. Sebastian’s supple, near-naked body; the wink-wink symbolism of the penetrating arrows; his thrown-back head expressing a mixture of pleasure and pain; and his inviting gaze all readily contribute to his homoerotic appeal. But Sebastian’s entry into gay cultures in the first place most certainly involves his origins as an emblem of Christian godliness and martyrdom.

    Same-sex desire is often, on many levels, about the crossing of lines, the overturning of sacred norms, the pleasure of the forbidden. Both the story of Sebastian and his subsequent role in modern gay cultures epitomize this subversive impulse: Sebastian revels in the pleasure of his own martyrdom as gay men revel in gazing upon an off-limits emblem of Christian holiness. By all accounts, Sebastian is a very good “bad object choice.”

    Richard – if yo were not out before, well, duh?

  8. Girly Girl

    I am a worldly woman.. but I swear to god I have never seen kitchen-utensil-soft-core-porn…

    I’m pretty sure I prefer my porn old school- like with naked people screwing…

  9. Smart Ian

    LL Bell:
    You must mate with me and together we could spawn a race of superbeings.
    Your pal,
    Smart Ian

  10. Smart Ian

    LL Belle:
    Please forgive my error in omitting the last “e” from your lovely appelation.

  11. tempy

    I would love to see that fork photoshopped with a big old dingaling.

  12. Cat_Kat

    Is that a spandex wife beater??????

  13. Bella

    Richard Simmons and bondage… I find those two very disturbing when in the same sentence.

  14. Laura Lord Belle

    Smart Ian:

    Mais oui, anytime darling!!

  15. Randi

    Forking: Because gay men don’t spoon

  16. Randy

    No words, just laughter.

  17. Estoy Usando el Internets

    Who’s Michael and what does never giving up on your dreams have to do with being chained to a fork?

  18. It’s a publicity still from his new porn, “Eat Me”

  19. Silasdog

    Strange & disturbing. I don’t what to make of this except perhaps he should have been tied to a knife to convey the “gay blade” idea.

  20. “Fork the Fat”: The first in a new series of Richard Simmons workout videos. The series was ultimately scrapped when several people were mortally injured in the “Kniving Your Way to Good Health” video.

  21. Mike

    Star Jones afternoon snack.

  22. Fork-give me not!! For wearing lycra. Of all his outrageous attempts for attention this on takes the cake. Stick a FORK in it he’s done!!

  23. Will he please – for once – COVER UP!! He should not be wearing sleeveless and short shorts – it’s just SO wrong.

  24. Kat

    Some dreams are better given up, no?

  25. AER

    Yes, Richard Simmons is a little freaky, but you know what? He also means a great deal to a whole lot of people because of how much he’s helped them lose weight and gain self esteem. Plus, he really, really is nice and caring to those people… For that, he’s alright by me even if he loves him some spandex.

  26. omg

    This has GOT to be the gayest of all gayest, mother of gayest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole entire life.

  27. Halli

    I thought that was Pauly Shore.

  28. friends fanatic

    and…jazz hands!

  29. fitz

    DIG IN! Methinks this was meant for Michael Jackson, who likewise loves to fork over a weiner or two…though little Vienna sausages are still more to his liking!

  30. And in a final desperate bid, Jenny Craig paid the Russian Space Agency $1,000,000.00 to chain Richard Simmons to a rocket and shoot him to the moon.

  31. Geoff

    Laura Lord Belle: Will you please spare us your wordy diatribes? This is a GOSSIP site for God’s sake! Believe me, no one here needs to hear your 2nd rate Art Historical rantings. If you feel the need to further inflate your head via misplaced essays, please stop by your local Community College History of Art 101 Seminar. Just STOP RANTING HERE!! You are entirely a pretentious bore. Cheers.

  32. taterhead

    I have offically lost my appetite!

  33. Spaz Cadet

    The Passion of the Simmons.

    This is too gay, even for Richard Simmons. Jesus, just let the jewfro and the skimpy outfits go, will you?

  34. Monica

    It’s the figurehead on the front of Kristie Alley’s yacht.

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