Barron Hilton Won’t Be Needing That Valet

Paris Hilton’s dumbass brother Barron pleaded no contest to a DUI charge and got his license suspended for a year as a result. He also received three months of probation and has to take an alcohol education program. Here’s your first lesson: hire a car! You’re rich, dummy!

Barron was pinched on Feb. 12 for driving with a blood alcohol level of .14 — nearly twice the legal limit. He also didn’t have a license on him.

If I had this hammerhead’s money, I’d never DRIVE AGAIN. I’d drive around in a luxurious living room on wheels. Scratch that. I’d have a bed back there to lounge on, and eat chocolate and grapes until I got to my destination! If you have a chauffeur-driven bed on wheels, you can get drunk all you want! And nap! And watch Battlestar Galactica! And entertain frat boys hard up for cash. What?