By J. Harvey
Previously – Laura’s outspoken and Alison went back to Storyland.
Michael was so ecstatic over winning two challenges that he “grinned himself a headache”. Jeffrey’s sad because Alison was his best friend here, and she’s gone, oh why? Challenge! Mama said knock you out! The designers are gleeful when the everyday women that they will be designing for turn out to be their mothers and sisters. In fact, some people burst into tears! Laura cries! Holy shite, she has tear ducts? I’m surprised she didn’t take the opportunity to criticize her mother’s parenting skills in front of the group. The only twist to this challenge is that designers have to design for each other’s family members. And wouldn’t you know that Jeffrey ends up with Angela’s mother. Producers and writers for this show writhe in ecstasy.
Laura chooses Jeffrey’s mom to “torture” him. And she says it with this disarming grin that makes you like her, until the next time “Bad Mommy” rears her ugly head and she’s beating you with a broom handle for leaving your shoes on the stairs. I’m pretty sure that Uli’s Mom speaks little to no English and was probably nervous that her ass was being deported back to Deutschland. Laura’s Mom has startlingly red hair, which has ensured that she appears to have no color anywhere else in her body. And no one is picking Angela’s Mom. It might be because she looks like she has jaundice. Either that or Revlon’s making “Yellowed Week-Old Facial Bruising” as a new color of blush. To be fair, several people this episode look like they have jaundice. Notably Jeffrey. Why do Angela’s Mom and Jeffrey have jaundice together? This poor woman. Despite being a Mom, and a grown woman, sometimes you’re reminded what it’s like to be picked last because you have jaundice. What? I never had jaundice, shut up!
Jeffrey is last and ends up with Angela’s Mom because “God got drunk today”. Heh. He should write this column. When he picks her, she has this beatific Mom smile on that only heightens the irony and would be the moment the first act of a situation comedy would break for commercial. Jeffrey tells her she’s “going to have fun”. And she nods in agreement and mouths “thanks” from the runway and Angela looks terrified. And this is CREEPY. Jeffrey is so holding her Mom hostage. Design the worst outfit possible or your Mom dies, Angela! Use even more rosettes! DO IT!
More of the J. Harvey’s “Project Runway” recap, after the jump.
Before initial designing, designers and families head off to Tavern on the Green where they meet up with a certain spherical whack-a-doo and a certain spherical whack-a-doo’s MOTHER! It’s Michael Kors with his mama! And it was a two-fer down at the Mystic Tan! Is there anything weirder than a grown gay man going tanning with his aged mother? You know these two have made a pact that they’ll never be apart from each other. Michael senses a fellow mama’s boy.
Moms share kid photos of the designers. It turns out Kayne was a pudgy princess. Robert grins broadly and stores this up for future reference. Michael’s picture could be on a cereal box, it’s just that cute. Jeffrey had blond floppy hair on top and probably listened to a lot of Suicidal Tendencies and his Mom reveals that he’s in recovery and she’s proud of him and cries. Laura and her Mom sit with the Kors family and Michael reveals he’s an only child and that he was his Mom’s “companion” for shopping. And bridge, and drinking and hold me, Mikey and never forget that men are pigs and bring Mommy another highball.
Michael tells his Mom that Laura has five kids that she has never hugged and we learn that Laura’s working on a sixth! What? Oh my god, who knocked her up? Well it certainly wasn’t Kayne, Robert, Kors or Tim Gunn. She hates Vincent. We’re not sure of Michael’s sexuality but I still don’t think there’s anyway he’s going to tap his Grandma’s ass. It couldn’t have been the lizard king Keith Michael. JEFFREY? Egads, imagine a child with a safety pin through his nose but wearing a really tasteful Donna Karan sweater dress. I knew all that yelling last episode was either resulting from a shattered relationship or sexual tension. Laura’s mother looks like she might have wet her diaper at this news. It’s uncomfortable and tense and we get some insight into Laura and how her passive-aggressive mother turned her into a fire-breathing multiple personality. Mama Kors looks for a waiter to order another voddy. She doesn’t get paid enough for this shit.
Designers sketch. And it turns out that everyone is uncomfortable with designing for plus-size women. Which a lot of the moms are. I think this is a good challenge. America’s obese, so suck it up and make that square half-acre garment. Robert plans to put Vincent’s sister in zebra print with a sign that says “Stop picking on Robert!” Imagine if Alison was still here? “I wanted to design something that reflected the jolliness of Kayne’s zaftig mom. I wanted to make something really cute and magical that the old woman in the shoe would wear…”
And then we get to Jeffrey and Angela’s Mom. And it’s already Fright Night. Jeffrey isn’t going to design her a jacket and he hates her color scheme. Jeffrey’s fingers are jaundiced. Laura camera-tells-it-like-it-is that the designers with plus-size models are having a tough time and can’t design anything but muumuus. Uh, you picked a model who actually has a waist so shut up, Judgey! Tim Gunn brings in the moms to check on the work.
Vincent’s model is Uli’s Mom and she thinks she’s here for a strip search and delousing. Vincent’s frenetic craziness doesn’t make it any better. Tim interrogates Angela’s mom while Jeffrey is out of the room. Angela’s Mom lets it slip that she hates the color and the dress and Jeffrey walks in and is already threatened. Tim tells him what’s up. Tim leaves with the “carry on” and Angela’s Mom is up shit’s creek because he left her alone with Travis Bickle. He flips out on her; she asks why he’s treating her like this, he brings up her “insecurities” and if this was my Mom? I wouldn’t have to do a damn thing because when Mrs. Harvey gets angry – she tends to slap a bitch. I still have the handprints. Mrs. Angela’s Mom should have told Taxi Driver to suck it. But uh, no. She cries. Jeffrey has to step out of the room. He’s way out of line. Christ, if you’re going to be this nasty – have a drink. Oops. Angela consoles her Mom, and obviously feels bad but there’s also a feeling of “there, there Mom but honey, I got a dress to design”.
Jeffrey realizes that everyone thinks he’s a tool for verbally slashing a matron. Jeffrey’s Mom tries to console her as well and goes and hugs Jeffrey and starts crying. Jeffrey tells us that he was also a junkie and winning this is sort of a redemption situation for him. This shit is deep.
Jeffrey and Angela have a face-off in the sewing room that isn’t as satisfying as it should be because they both have dresses to complete and are talking to their sewing machines. They should really hash this out when they have the time to get really vicious. I can make some more popcorn. Robert makes a big red bag for Vincent’s sister to wear. Time’s up. Go home. Laura talks about her sixth pregnancy and says that she’ll just “throw this one on the pile with the other ones”. Is ANYONE shocked by that comment? I’m not. That pile exists and I’m calling Child Protective Services. The jig is up, Bad Mommy!
Next day. Vincent is making the “face”. Where his lips are drawn back, and he looks even crazier and in pain. Jeffrey has Angela’s Mom get changed. Angela accompanies her. Jeffrey overhears Angela advising her Mom to be completely honest on the runway. Oh oh. Moms get made up. It’s cute. My mom is prettier. Runway! Heidi is wearing something off the shoulder. She looks cutesy. It would be a cute episode if there wasn’t a lot of people hating other people’s mothers. Kors’ mom is the guest judge, and I’m tingly. Will we get to see where the round whack-a-doo gets his nasty? No, she disappoints. They should have brought in Nina Garcia’s Moms. Now that would have been hot. “You’re a disappointment to your father Juan Carlo and myself, Nina!” “You can rot in hell, Mother!”
Let’s break it down. Moms are not models. Some have trouble walking. There seems to be some hip issues. There’s no smiling. These women bring home the bacon and raise their children – they don’t have time to wear couture and beat their assistants with cell phones. Robert’s sister is tiny and walks like a model, and she’s like an oasis of possibility in a sea of varicose veins. Except that Michael Knight has her in a dress with a bow jutting from her like a penis. It weirds me out. Stop it, Michael. Jeffrey has made Angela’s Mom look even more like Luke Skywalker’s Aunt Beru.
Judges interrogate. Judges are hot for Uli, Michael and VINCENT? It’s kind of inexplicable. I like how the judges aren’t afraid to call a plus size a plus size. We all know how Heidi feels about fat people. I’m surprised she stifles herself and doesn’t spit on the ground and scream at them that they’re all pigs and to stop eating so goddamn much. Heidi and Uli’s Mom converse in German. I believe Heidi let Uli’s Mom know that she isn’t under arrest and Uli’s Mom tells Heidi that she is afraid of the scary man and help me. Heidi also thanked he for not being so grotesquely fat like these other hogs. Heidi’s got an issue. Robert gets crucified on the “boring” cross. Ugh. He looks ready for tears. Barbie doesn’t cry, Robert.
Angela is told she designed for Stevie Nicks as opposed to Laura’s Mom. I think the cocaine gypsy look is coming back. Oh, and Angela’s Mom reveals that you don’t tussle with Angela’s Mom. Because she will get you. And she will do it with a beatific Angela’s Mom smile. Mom reveals exactly how she feels about the dress Jeffrey made for her, and Nina Garcia looks like she just found Jeffrey wearing her panties. Disgusted. Heidi then turns to Angela and asks her how she thinks her Mom looks. “Not attractive,” Angela says which is ironic because she’s wearing that nasty plaid hat that I loathe. I don’t care if all the kids are wearing it. It’s an eye sore.
Judges judge. Vincent wins! Vince! And he wasn’t even talking about how this dress got him off! Was it worth the cashing in of the 401K? We’re down to Jeffrey and Robert. The boredom finally got to be too much, and Robert’s driving off in his Malibu Barbie convertible. Maybe you should have spent a little more time designing some interesting clothes and a little less time being Queen of the Cat People with your backstabbing comments. Jeffrey cries backstage (?!?) and his Mom consoles him as he yells that Robert was one of the good people because some of them are not. Mom tries to stifle him. Going to that one meeting in rehab where the junkies confront their families must have been a picnic with this cat. This episode made me grateful that I’m not on a reality show with anyone in my family because it would either degenerate into a sequel to our famous Thanksgiving Day 2000 family fistfight or I would end up crying on television. And a large-headed pale gay Irishman with bad facial hair crying in his mother’s arms on TV is nobody’s friend.
Next – Jeffrey and Angela square off (yawn), and the designer’s design for a “jet-setter”. Which is probably Laura’s fetus.
“Project Runway” airs Wednesday’s at 10/9c on Bravo.