Aniston Speaks: Making Out With Monica and Her “Deviated Septum”

Jennifer Aniston spoke to People about a variety of subjects . Here’s a special exclusive interpretation of the interview for our beloved A Socialite’s Life readers.

Q: You guest-star on the season finale of Dirt as a lesbian. What was it like working with Courteney again?
A: We had a ball. It was completely fun. I forgot just how much fun we have together in the work world.

Sad bitch called me up to help save her sad show. I guess I owed her. She let me stay at her place after Brad dumped me. Whatevs.

Q: So what about that kiss between you and Courteney? It was touted as a passionate lip-lock.
A: It’s a good-bye kiss. I don’t honestly think people want to see Rachel and Monica have at it.

Are you f*cking kidding me? Lesbian slash fan-fic about Friends is going to reach an all-time high. Friends re-run fanatics are going to be fondling themselves on their couches. You and Cox knew that’s EXACTLY what people wanted to see. Liar. Shut up!

Keep reading for the rest of our exclusive interpretation of Aniston’s interview, including her lies about her nose-job, after the jump.

Q: Did you two laugh when it became such a big deal?
A: Of course! I think I won a bet. I told Courteney, “How many days will it take to come out? ‘Lesbian kiss! Lip-lock!’ ” It was a record: about a week.

Actually, we discovered we were really into it. Arquette’s totally lame, and I haven’t had any since Vince Vaughn. So we just kinda went with it. Women really know how to touch women. You know?

Q: Currently the tabs are having a field day over rumors about plastic surgery – your nose, your boobs. What’s going on?
A: (Laughs) It’s funny. I had [a deviated septum] fixed – best thing I ever did. I slept like a baby for the first time in years. As far as all the other [rumors], as boring as it sounds, it’s still mine. All of it. Still mine.

Still mine, because honey – they’re bought and paid for. As for the deviated septum, you do enough coke with Matthew Perry over the years and you need to get that hole in your nasal wall stopped up. It’s just maintenance, baby. Have you spoken to Brad yet? How does he look?

Q: They’re still gonna run before and after pictures …
A: Short of letting everybody have a feel, I don’t know what else to do.

Which I’m willing to do, because I haven’t had a real man since Brad. Do you think he looks at Shiloh and wishes I had given birth to her instead of that f*cking home-wrecking do-gooder bitch?

Q: What gives you the most joy right now?
A: Beginning a new day. When you see what else is going on on the planet, it’s pretty hard not to go, “Wow, thank you.”

(God, what a bullshit question.) Yes, I’m embracing the newness of living. And I only visit my Brad and Angelina Death shrine five times a day now! I was going on ten. It was sad. But seriously, I look upon every day as a big warm hug from Earth! And Brad. No, not Brad! I didn’t say that. God, I f*cking miss him. And the way he would touch me. And I would quiver. I’m going to kidnap Shiloh, you know. Don’t tell anyone. Are you recording this?