America’s Next Top Model: ‘Red Carpet Munching’

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Written by J. Harvey

Previously – Melrose is annoying and Megg rocked on. And out.

Caridee is strumming her guitar and everyone looks uncomfy because she’s a good model but a shitty troubadour. Jaeda complains about being in the bottom 2 last go-round and is all “wow, I suck”. AJ misses Megg, and feels that she was the closest in the house to her. You’re about to join her, so no worries. Oops, that was a spoiler. Melrose mocks everyone in a one-on-one for crying when people are kicked. She has a point, it is a competition and you want other chicks to leave. But it’s ok to have a soul, Melrose.

Then we’re presented with A Very Special ANTM, as Twin Michelle comes out as maybe a lesbian. Eugena looks like, damn, I’m sharing a house with her. And Brooke covers her mouth in shock. Is she new? Aren’t like half of the world’s model population Sapphic? Twin Amanda isn’t thrilled; especially when they go down to use the phone booth together. Michelle’s like I told you before didn’t I? And Amanda looks ready to call 911. Take it from a gay guy, you would remember the first time you told your sibling you were same-sex. Trust me.

The models are off to learn how to be celebrity interviewers courtesy of the co-host from Entertainment Tonight. Why weren’t Mary Hart and her beautiful legs booked for this gig? She’s above this, that’s why. This guy Mark Steines tells the girls it seems simple to be an interview, but it’s not. I smell some insecurity. It’s kind of how I feel when friends are like so you write for a website now, what’s it about? Uh, I make fun of TV and celebrities and write mean, vapid things. Oh, I see is usually the response then people go to freshen their drinks. I know what I do is art, thank you very much! The girls have to practice interviewing Steines, and they all suck pretty much. AJ bitches that she doesn’t like running up to people and asking them questions. We’re learning that AJ is pretty much too cool for school.

More of J. Harvey’s “America’s Next Top Model” recap after the jump.

All the girls hate Melrose, and she’s known as “Smellrose”. They should write this column. Girls are so mean. They hate her mainly because she’s really really good at all this bullshit. She throws herself into it completely. The next phase of this mess is having to interview Janice Dickinson. YAY! Janice stills needs the money since I’m betting Oxygen isn’t renewing that nightmarish reality show she had going on about a fake modeling agency located in a mall. We get some sepia tone about what a drunken, horrible attention slut Janice is. We don’t need it; you can just look at her and know she’s crazy as a shithouse rat and evil in heels. Steines coaches the girls via earpiece, and is all you’re working for ET tonight sweetheart, make us proud. That’s something you say to somebody when they’re representing the White House. Or the cable company. Or the Girl Scouts of America. ET? Not so much.

Janice chews the girls up and spits them out. She really really hates the pink Rastafarian do-rag beret thing AJ has in her hair. Which makes AJ all defiant, and seriously, you’re here to win a reality TV competition not be the iciest most punk rock chick in the cafeteria. Get over yourself. This is CW. Brooke cracks me up by asking Janice what makes her so bitchy. God bless her. Melrose kisses Janice’s ass completely and aces it. I think she might even win this cycle.

Tyra visits the house to milk some tears. Melrose is wearing that pink beret again, so I think her and AJ are having a battle of the terrible pink hats. As Tyra grills these girls to make them crack apart and bleed their egos, I notice that she has this murky Barbara Streisand lighting around her. Are we that far along in her career? Are we? During these interviews, the girls demonstrate some terrifyingly ugly footwear. I swear at one point I see leg warmers. Made out of Grover from Sesame Street.

We learn Caridee experienced the heartbreak of psoriasis. Over 70% of her stripper body. Amanda is upset because her sister is a dyke. And the second Tyra hears this, she scoots her fat ass across the couch to really let Amanda know Mama Ty Ty is here to exploit her emotionally. Tyra tells Amanda her “light is dimming” which makes it sound like she’s dying. Way to make the girl feel safe, Faces of Death. Tyra’s fuel is misery, she lives on tears.

The Very Special ANTM concludes with the twins in the phonebooth, telling their Mom about how Michelle likes box. One of them has cornrows in, but I get confused at this point. All I know is that coming out on national television unless you’re opposite Laura Dern is rough and their Mom sounds like she’s not cool with it but knows they’re probably filming and doesn’t want to appear to be intolerant Mom on camera. She’s sly.

The girls’ next challenge is to pose opposite themselves through the magic of photography and as celebrity couples. Caridee is always this close to butt naked. I know the psoriasis is gone, but put a sweater on, Traci Lords. But then at the challenge, she’s dressed like Skippy Peanut Butter Mom. They know you’re a scripper, sweetie, no need to fake it. And yes, that’s how I spelled “stripper” much like how our hip-hop artists pronounce it. Melrose has to be Donald Trump and she’s all bitching about she has to pose as the oldest one. And well yeah, you need to be continually reminded of how at 23, you’re decaying like a bad tooth. Old hag.

Caridee has to be Brad and Angie, and as a man she looks really trans and sorta stuck mid-gender and it’s frightening the prop Maddox and Zahara babies. AJ has to be Mark Anthony and J.Lo and she’s seriously the girl who is afraid to look stupid and high school is over and you’re on America’s Next Top Model. Dignity is a luxury that you can’t afford! She seriously seems like she wanted to be Sid and Nancy or something. Brooke is Britney Spears with a snake, and she complains that the snake is raping her. Yikes. Michelle, the newly out whatever, has to be Ellen and these writers and producers are assholes. Melrose, of course, rocked it. She was actually almost weirdly cute as Donald Trump. Oh god, I should get some sleep. AJ is still wearing that pink Rasta rag around and Janice is seriously going to bust through the window and tear it off her head because she’s done much crazier things and usually they were to procure narcotics.

Judging. Tyra talks about the prizes, and she mentions the Seventeen magazine spread and the camera alights on Melrose because she is so far from 17. The girls have to review a tape of the ANTM people at a premiere and comment on it. Some girls knock it out of the park (Melrose, Brooke) and some girls do not (AJ, Anchal, Jaeda). Jaeda had to pose as Beyonce and Jay-Z and Twiggy doesn’t know who Jigga Man is. Tyra explains slowly as if to say “you stupid white British woman”. Anchal had to pose as Oprah and she claims she knew Oprah was powerful because she flew to get donuts. And Tyra is all, that’s what you take away from being Oprah? And she says, Oprah I didn’t say it as if the room is bugged. Which it probably is, because Oprah is everywhere and invades our very dreams.

Anyway, AJ’s attitude gets her Edward Scissorhands’ ass tossed out. Now you can go back to sketching the other Goth kids and working at Hot Topic, Captain Integrity.

Next – Eugena hates the world, and Halloween comes to Modeltown.

America’s Next Top Model” airs on the CW Network Wednesday’s at 8/7c.