America’s Next Top Model: Quitters Are Unattractive

October 25th, 2007 // 7 Comments

By J. Harvey

Previously -. There were ice capades but with models, and then there were model gargoyles, and Ebony thinks her gums are too big. Oh, and almost everyone hates Lisa.

Ebony is in yellow and white and eating something by the handful out of the refridgerator door. She asks Jenah “does my personality suck that much?” If you have to ask. I’m just sayin’. Jenah doesn’t know, she’s thinking you look like a bumblebee right now because she scored some excellent shroomage. Seriously, these are totally natural, man. The universe MADE these. There’s no harmful chemicals. Jenah tells her it’s just because she acts awkward at panel. And the judges think you’re actually the one with autism, because Heather seems more socially adept. Ebony reviews her run so far and says that she isn’t doing anything right. She mentions photoshoots when actually she takes really good photos and they’ve said so. She’s building stuff up in her mind and needs to stop. Ebony says she’s going to smile more and “come off as a nice person”. That’s a howl that to her that’s something that has to be worked at. Heh.

Ambreal’s on the phone and laying in the phone area in a position usually only lovers and gynecologists see. Seriously, if she wasn’t wearing shorts, I would know her cervix intimately. She’s talking to her Dad, and relaying that she’s not doing well. Dad tells her to keep focused and not to worry about a good time all the time. She’s not there to party and get laid! Jeez, it’s an actual competition! Didn’t she make her Dads watch Cycle 8 or something? Ambreal asks her Dad to pray for her. I pray that she won’t be showing us the entrance to her circle of life anymore.

More America’s Next Top Model, after the jump.

Bianca and Heather are out on the veranda which provides many kinds of shade – some having to do with attitude. Bianca asks Heather if she practiced last night and Heather is lying there with her eyes closed and she’s so pale that I would probably administer CPR if she wasn’t speaking. Heather just can’t get posing forward in pictures. It turns out her strongest pictures are all profiles. She tells us about this with some reddish eye shadow on that indicates she’s either rusting or has the zombie disease from “28 Days Later”. She’s shit out of luck if she’s looking for brains to eat in this joint.

Bianca counsels Heather to not pose with her profile in any shots at her next shoot. Bianca camera-testifies that her concentration camp haircut must have worked wonders on her personality, because she finds herself getting closer with some of the girls. She’s still aware of the competition though and keeps it “in front of her face”. Which means she’s rooming with Lisa. She hates Lisa. Bianca’s being a little drama momma and say she feels like she’s hitting rock bottom. You need to check yourself, Emily the Strange, and get real. You say stuff like that and real bottom bitches like Ambreal and Sarah are going to start hating you.

Doorbell. Tyson Beckford’s there looking like chocolate love. The hilarious thing is that homeless looking haircase Jenah won’t even let him in the door because she’s so floored that Tyson Beckford’s on her doorstep. He almost has to push her crazy wigged ass out of the way to enter. It’s like “honey, Tyra’s paying me for this gig, I need to get it started in here, please move your stoned ass aside”. Seriously, how does Jenah work that combination of bongwater mess and bitch? Most stoned chicks I know just want to talk about how much they want to travel someday and eat Cool Ranch Doritios. The funniest thing I have ever seen is Ebony’s reaction to Tyson Beckford in her kitchen. She RUNS across the house like it’s on fire and her breasteses are BOUNCING as she goes to summon the other girls. Everyone seems incapacitated by fame, they’re staggering and screaming and have their hands over their mouths. Maybe everyone feels their gums are too big.

Tyson wants the girls to use their looks to better the world. Like Joey Fatone does. Ebony is BEAMING rather hornily and she comments on how she doesn’t smile that much but she has to around him because he is so fine, girl! Lisa literally looks like she’s about to start making dick-sucking motions with her tongue in her cheek at Mr. Beckford. You can take the girl out of the peeler bar. The girls gotta grab one item out of the kitchen and sell it to Tyson. So he’s here to teach them how to be spokesmodels? Is that bettering the world? What does he sell? Is he a spokesmodel? I thought he just walked and looked solid and squinty. Chantal considers spokesmodeling to be the same as whoring, and fellates a popsicle much to Tyson’s amusement. Most of the girls follow the same tack and all attempt to be somehow maneuvering Tyson into giving up the digits at the end of this mess. Literally, Ebony says something about “moist and hot really fast”. That room must reek right now. I won’t go into it. She blows it, and Tyson’s unimpressed. He probably wants her out of his face because her momumental gums are blocking his view of the other girls. I kid, I kid! Tyson seems to dig Heather, and I LOVE it! They would make a hot couple. Tyson steps off the runway and goes to hug Heather while everyone in the audience wonders if he joined Big Sisters of America or something similar. Ambreal keeps the mango Tyson chomped into. Who got his number? Not Saleisha? That haircut is wack.

The girls meet up with Tyson again, and with a woman from an African AIDS charity. We get some info on it and way to rock me out of my superficial ANTM mindset. The girls will be doing 30 second PSA’s for the charity. Oh god, no. The girls split up into teams. Sarah starts talking about how she’s African. Ebony and Saleisha are kind enough not to laugh at her. Ambreal, Heather and Jenah are clueless and still dripping from Tyson. Screw AIDS, Tyson Beckford was in my living room eating a mango! Bianca and Lisa are on the same team (figures) with Chantal. They seem to be on top of things, though. Five minutes left!

Time’s up! “Oh shit” says Jenah but we’re not supposed to know because they blurred her mouth which is exactly what makes me think someone swore. Either that or she has a breast coming out of her mouth. The Lisa/Chantal/Bianca team are on. Lisa looks like she’s going to start ripping arms off and beating people with them. Chantal can’t remember her lines. Bianca can’t speak her lines. And seriously, Lisa is going to bite someone when she recites hers. Bianca says she did mess up but to get your thoughts out is more important or something. Not if they can’t understand what the hell you’re saying!

The Heather/Jenah/Ambreal team had nothing going on but some loudly dropped cue cards and some poise brought by Ambreal. Seriously, why doesn’t Jenah just FLING the cue cards at the camera and knock shit over? The charity lady judges. Bianca didn’t get the name right. Heather, Jenah and Ambreal won. And one of them gets to be in a photoshoot directed by Mary J. Blighe. Random! And fantastic! No more drama! Heather wins it! More random! And Matthew Rolston is the photographer! Mary J. Blighe looks gorgeous and too busy for this. Mary is styling it and “likes this colorful thing”. Keep it simple, Mar. Mary wants Heather with a tan. Mary wanted a sistah but a goth girl with autism is going to have to do. Matthew MAKES Heather pose straight on. And you do what Matthew Rolston says. Both Mary and Matthew feel that Heather has what it takes. If I was an aspiring model and I heard Mary J. say that I would fall down and cry and scream and thank Jebus. Who cares that Mary has nothing to do with the modeling industry, she’s got the 411! This is Mary’s world!

The next Tyra Mail has the girls thinking about recycling because this is the environmental cycle. And if you had forgotten that, please note the screen in the living room that plays a clip of a waterfall over and over again. Now I feel like we’re really doing something to save the planet! Girls eat chicken fingers and pizza. And Ebony says that she wants to go home and modeling isn’t for her. Jump out the window now! You may as well. Chantal is pissed off by this. Bianca tells us she’s been practicing how to squint but not squint because of what Tyra has said to her about her eyes in the past. Doesn’t she realize that this is just another form of torture from that diabolical witch? Squint but not squint? Seriously? Saliesha is a big fan of the company Heather posed for, Carol’s Daughter, and wants some of the swag. Win your own challenge, then! Bianca considers Heather to be her biggest competition and is baffled by her. Bianca has two giant photos of some guy on her bedposts. Like portraits. Who is that? And why does she want him invading her dreams?

The girls have to pose as recyclable materials. Excuse me while I eat this “Snickers’ bar. Ooh, I’m a glass jar! Heather is aluminum cans. This challenge is dumb as hell and I love it. Mr. Jay thinks Ebony looked “trampish”. Thank you for making me laugh out loud, Tiny Oranges. Obviously they’re ousting her for not wanting to be here. Mr, Jay pronounces her “lackluster” and she’s barely turned around from him. Why doesn’t he just punch her in the back of the head while she walks away? Bianca “smiles with her eyes” which is Tyra’s pet model move. Mr. Jay says that Tyra LOVES to teach the girls how to smile with their eyes. Tyra’s a weird bitch, then. Ambreal’s going down. Way down. She’s getting her newspaper dress wet with her tears. That will smudge and fall apart and I won’t be able to read it.

Ebony WANTS to go home. She’s interviewing with “send me home”. I think she’s actually holding luggage and a plane ticket. She doesn’t lke all the criticism and doesn’t think it’s “fair”. Is she new to this scenario? Did she ever watch this show or just walk up to the audition because she thought everyone was in line for the Shake Shack? What is going on with her crazy immature ass? Seriously, does crackish behavior get passed down?

Nigel is wearing a tiny Afro wig. Ms. Jay is wearing a very large Afro wig. Tyson Beckford’s in the house and even Tyra’s ready to slide around the set. Tyson liked what Saelisha did with her lips in her photo. Or after he visited the house, we’re not sure. Ambreal blames her crap photo on the fake eyelashes. That’s not gonna fly. Tyra tells Lisa that her “risks are too obvious”. Stop mixing Valium with wine and driving without a seatbelt, your daredevil bitch. Literally, I am unable to understand Tyra’s thought process so I’m doomed to make stupid jokes. There’s a weird moment when Nigel tells Sarah that he thinks she lost weight and she looks frozen like “don’t tell TYSON BECKFORD I’M FAT”! If Nigel can’t have Sarah, no one can. Ebony’s up. And is not thrilled to be here. Why doesn’t she just have the carry-on bag in her hand and keep checking her watch to clue them in?

Everyone’s THRILLED by Heather’s front face pose. I gotta say, none of the pics this week gave me a stiffie. Judges empanel themselves. Ms. Tyra goes “all right, ladies and gentlemen” and goes to Ms. Jay “which one are you?” He laughs but remember, he will elbow you in the lip at an airport. Ms. Jay wants to wrap Ebony’s ass up in bubble wrap and put her in a cart and ship her out. Remind me to never reach for the same pair of gloves as him at the sample sale. I’d like to keep my fingers. Damn. Tyson thinks Ebony’s stank. She is but in a lunatic way that makes me adore her. Ebony’s an eight year old terror on the playground to me in her head. Everyone thinks Sarah’s lost weight.

Lisa’s seen to be stagnant and stuck. Like a car in a swamp. Twiggy has an obvious old lady hardon for Tyson. She might crawl across the table at any moment and remind him who was in charge in the 60′s. It’s time to say goodbye. Ebony already has a book out and is in line to board. It’s down to Ebony and Ambreal. Ebony’s looking to see if she’s seat A, B or C. And then she quits. And Tyra is NOT happy. “The most unattractive thing in the world to me is a quitter”. And Ebony is GONE. Girls are shocked. Is this for real? Damn. Ambreal’s thanking Tyra – why, she axed your ass! She didn’t cure your leukemia. Ebony misses her family, and she doesn’t want to be a model. And Tyra’s OBVIOUSLY still pissed because they show her casting video and she’s BEGGING Ty Ty to give her a chance. HAH!. You don’t piss Tyra off.

Next – There’s bodysuits and Heather goes down at a music video shoot. And not in the Tyson Beckford’s eating my mango way.

By J. Harvey
  1. T-Bone

    Hilarious, J. Harvey.

    Still love Heather! Hope she makes it to the final 3. I’m sure the “shroomer” will be there as well.

    Saleisha looks like Raggedy Andy. And not in a good way.

  2. AJ

    I agree with you totally J. Ebony was that cute little girl who bullied the other girls at the playground. She grew into a beautiful woman with a stank attitude that made her believe that she was the shit. While she was definitely in my top 3 based on her looks, her unwillingness to take the critiques and grow was a direct display of her immaturity. It’s obvious to me that no one has ever challenged her to elevate her game emotionally and mentally. Has anyone noticed that Ambreal has the deadest eyes in the world?? They look dead even when she’s happy, sad/crying or taking a picture. It’s real weird.

  3. anna

    SO funny!!! thanks! :)

  4. kikideedee

    Didn’t you love how they showed her audtion video at the very end, almost like she had died and they were reminising. Tyra HATES quitters.

  5. Aeol

    AJ, you may be taking this a tad too seriously. ;)

  6. AJ

    Aeol, funny but not really. I do think that sometimes people need help to be the best person they can be or even just better. I think that’s what a lot of the critiques were about with Ebony. Even if she didn’t become a model, walking into an interview with your head down and chewing your lips is not going to get you the job. You never get a second chance to make a first impression! :)

  7. Melissa

    OMG I love your write ups!! You make me laugh!!

    Now I can’t wait to see the repeat!!

    Thanks so much!!

Leave A Comment