America’s Next Top Model: How Many Models Does It Take To Work A GPS? That’s Not A Joke, I’m Really Asking.

Previously – Everyone hates Dominique. Mormon Aimee went back to that big gold temple in Salt Lake City. Claire kind of showed herself to be kinda…..douchey. Let’s hope she brings that side under control.

Evening! Fab Cab! Whitney thinks we’re ready for a plus size model to win. Dominique feels that Whitney isn’t a winner and notes that they do not get along. She thinks it’s her “can do” attitude that bothers Whitney. You are a spunky old person, Dom. Now let’s have some tea and play Kismet.

Aimee left them a sweet note. Claire talks about how nerve-wracking being in the bottom two was last go-round. She did this annoying thing where she yelled “YES!” when Ty Ty revealed her photo. She might as well have kicked Mormon Aimee in the box while she was at it. Or stepped on her crying head to receive her photo.

More ANTM, after the jump!

Lauren found her attitude to be “disrespectful”. Claire is now uninvited to watch the extended cut of Blood Feast with her. Claire finds that the longer she stays, the more she learns and the less guilty she feels about “abandoning my baby at home.” Did you put it to the kid that way? Is that how it was described to your husband? You might want to use gentler words next time before lawyers get involved.

Watching the girls read Tyra Mail is like watching developmentally disabled people try to learn about fruit. It looks like they will be doing some acting. Dominique says she’s a natural talent when it comes to acting. Is that what the whole Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman look is all about?

Oh oh. The kitchen’s a mess and we’re seeing some sort of coffee war develop between Lauren and Fatima. Lauren looks like she just woke up and is not dealing with humans today. Her weave looks like she was running from Jason Voorhees. Actually, that’s kind of her thing. Fatima gives her shit about pouring her coffee out. Lauren refuses to admit that’s what happened, pours her some more (in a wineglass? Someone needs to do a dish.) and tells her to choke on it. That’s some sludgy coffee.

Lauren flips her shit on Fatima. Fatima looks a little nervous. I wouldn’t want to be in the mosh pit with Lauren. Ho probably wears brass knuckles. The girls go to Elite and meet a model and a manager. The models will be going on go-sees. Ooh, early this cycle! This is a real model, and not a reality show douche so she knows what she’s talking about. The girls will be split up into two teams and given a GPS phone to get places because one of these girls alone doesn’t have the brain capacity to work a phone, get to the places, or breathe on her own without assistance.

They can only walk to the places. Hah! The real model chick tells them that there are no second chances on a first impression. Dude, that eliminates half of these girls. Dominique has the good luck to be on a team with Claire and Whitney who despise her. They’re probably going to throw her in a dumpster like Sebastian in The Neverending Story. Claire’s working the GPS and being a mother. I don’t know what that means, but she talks about it. Anya leads her team astray, which would piss me off. I’d kill her if I was a late for a go-see. Yes, I’ve done some modeling! Shut up!

Someone asked Stacy to do an impromptu phone commercial so she starts bellowing about the phone they were given out loud and sounding like an infomercial douche. Dominique walks down the street like she’s already on a runway. She is all model, all the time. Claire is worried about the dynamic between Whitney and Dominique. Dude, you treated her like friggin’ Betty Finn and you were evil Heather #1 last episode. What about YOUR dynamic with Miss Jane Pittman? Dominique says she’s going to squash any static with Whitney and focus on the challenge. Pamella Rolland is apparently a designer who also has to work as her own secretary and answer the door. That’s rough. Someone buy a shirt from her or something. Stop paying the salary on that extra “L” and hire a receptionist instead.

Whitney’s worried about getting a job because plus-size models don’t go on the same jobs that your average model goes on. Then put down the chilidog! Lauren’s screaming and annoying Fatima. Lauren’s worried about offending people I don’t know. Threatening to kill a bitch you live with in the kitchen is fine, though. Shosanna Gruss is the designer? Is that Jerry Seinfeld’s ex? Yeah, it is. I looked her up. Terrible taste in men. Lauren shouldn’t be wearing frilly bathing suits. I’m picturing her swimming in men’s boxers and a wife beater. She thinks she walks like Lurch. It’s true.

Anya thinks she has to ask more questions about Shoshanna’s bathing suits. It’s a friggin’ bathing suit, what’s not know? PameLLa Roland meets the team. Stacy likes go-sees. Oh her name is Pamela De Vos. Who’s Roland? Who’s “LL?” The dead husband? PameLLa would use Stacy but not Claire. So helium is fine, but Julia Stiles isn’t. Whitney waxes shockingly positive about Dominique in her gown. Huh? Dom ruins it when she walks out and wants high-fives. Well, it IS a team effort and she’s all about her own personal model Olympics. PameLLa Roland basically tells her she’s a fat ass and wouldn’t be hired. Whitney talks about it to the other girls and Dominique is thrilled about her “breaking down” and bids her goodbye. Ok, now I get it.

Whitney decides not to burn her bridges with PameLLa and her “L”s. Anya relates how on the next go-see, everyone worked as a team. Imagine what they could do for the world when it came to global warming or the war in Iraq? Whitney is yelled at to get her fat ass in gear. She wore 5-inch stiletto heels, which are currently jack hammering the sidewalk. Both teams switch. So Shoshanna gets Whitney’s team. Claire discusses childcare with Shoshanna. Claire overwhelms Shoshanna with her questions. Stow it, Claire. Shoshanna would book Big Whitney. There ya go, Bigguns. Now let’s go have some cake and get over your tears. Dominique looks like an aging banana in her yellow dress.

Meanwhile at PameLLA’s, Lauren’s team is all quiet as mice. Fatima is actually too small for the clothes. How often do you hear that? Lauren can’t walk and it shows. Third casting – both teams meet up! The scores are close. They meet with Stacey Bendet of Alice & Olivia. So many names. Just call your line “Clothz.” Stacey looks like she had a few too many Percodan at Butter the night before. Rouse yourself, Stacy. Stacy’s also very honest or her pill hangover is working overtime as she notes Lauren’s “horse walk” and that she’s “stomping through the showroom.” Lauren has been given shades to wear and does look like Jackie O. out and about after hemorrhoid surgery.

Christ, that Ann woman from Seventeen is here. She’s always in our faces. Whiney’s team won. Our Stacy booked the most jobs. And the team will be in a spread in Seventeen. Claire wanted to win because she wanted her “butt saved” from “panel”. What are they doing to these girls? Dominique is so excited about being in Seventeen. I don’t want to burst her bubble but she looks like a drag queen acting in Psycho Beach Party. She’s so excited, though, I’m happy for her.

Lauren’s in the confessional and notes how much her walk sucks. So practice. There’s a runway there! Mr. Jay looks like a silver robot, according to Anya. There’s some weird bullshit going on with a treadmill and stunts and crashing through walls! Mr. Jay is like a gay action star. I need to see this show, Fuerza whatever. It looks like Cirque De Soleil if everyone snorted angel dust first and didn’t care about broken bones. The models will be splashing about on plastic wrap in puddles of water. Writer’s strike! It’s going to be models RAW. Is Joe Francis involved? Dominique is lying on the floor facedown to practice. Or someone finally knocked her the f*ck out.

This is an elaborate photo shoot. Want to know how smart Claire is? She leaps into the Mylar plastic floatie thing face first. In about an inch of water. She might need a wheelchair. Diving into shallow water is like the first thing parents warn you about when you’re a kid. That, and strangers asking you if you need help tucking your shirt in. Saleisha’s actually getting her photo taken. The narrative part of this ad looks like Saliesha got her hair tackled by a linebacker. Did she dive face first into Mylar covered by only an inch of water?

Dominique notes that she wouldn’t be so dumb to dive on her face. I have to agree. Me neither. This ain’t the bounce house at your kid’s birthday party, Julia Stiles. Dominique gets good feedback from Mr. Jay and flips out like she’s got some sort of religious affliction. Claire STILL slides into the water when it’s her turn again! Dumb bitch! Fatima notes that Claire’s always trying to impress people and get attention. Keep in mind; Fatima’s wearing a big skull scarf on her melon. Lauren looks like she got caught in Katrina. Lauren flails around like a shark attack victim.

Katar-something Polish cries because Tyra has her hair cut. Here’s Big Whitney who smiles through the water. She cracks my ass up when she asks, “How often do you practice laying in puddles on the ground?” For that, I want to go have Krispy Kremes with her. Stacy looks like a frog. The girls flail about in the water after the shoot. I would, it’s like a Slip N’ Slide. If you don’t DIVE ON IT, Claire.

Big Whitney feels that failure is not an option. Dominique is talking about how she loved the challenge. Oh my god, talk about someone else for once.

Tyra poses in the shower. Where’s Mrs. Bates? Dominique lights up whenever Seventeen is mentioned. Paulina looks like Crystal Gale today. They think Cher. No. “Don’t It Make Your Brown Eyes Blue?” Tyra? Claire starts talking about how she face-planted, and it messed her neck up. Fighting off a possible lawsuit, Tyra immediately tells her that she was told not to and that’s what messed it up. Claire’s like “oh.” I myself heard from Mr. Jay that “you don’t have to jump.” I didn’t hear instructions not to until dumbass did it. Tyra knows everything. She’s got a control room and is listening to you right now. Or she’s making shit up.

Claire disagrees with Nigel about her light source. Tyra gives breathing lessons to Stacy. I’m ready to exhale. Paulina tells Katar-something Polish that her “weird Eastern European tackiness” is now gone. Damn, Paulina. Shouldn’t you Eastern European broads stick together? Ms. Jay refers to her a “Neutrogena.” He’s so foul. The thing is, you can’t really get good facial shots with this one. Big Whitney rocked her film in the fetal position. That’s a big baby.

Dominique is wearing a very short skirt and scaring people who don’t want to see penis. Stacy doesn’t either. Nigel tells her she looks like she has f*ck hair. Lauren gets nailed and not in the f*ck hair way. Fatima does well. Anya’s shot is missing her nose. Tyra hasn’t embraced “ferosh” and actually says “H20 no you didn’t”. Writer’s strike!

Judges do the judge thing. Claire’s one note. Is she going home? Dominique made Nigel feel that someone needed Summer’s Eve. Nigel is screwed for hating Fatima. Tyra notes it’s because he doesn’t want to bang her. I’m glad Tyra’s onto his ass. Paulina thinks Lauren is “slightly less Frankenstein.” Ouch, that backhand hurt. Tyra tells Stacy her film was the same thing as a Debbie Downer sound. Heh. It’s down to Claire and Lauren, who I seriously thought would be in the final two this cycle! Ouch. Anya looks like someone just shish-kebobed a puppy, a kitten, and her grandmother together. Tyra spills it to Lauren that she looks like Frankenstein. Wow. Julia Stiles is going home. I kinda thought Claire would kill this cycle. Oops. Does Claire questions why her chameleonic ways didn’t break through. Maybe it was the hair. Or the evil. Bye, Claire. Tyra does not like her some Claire. I can sense it.

Claire feels that she failed. Well, yeah. She dons a fishnet and is off to see her baby. We end on a photo of Tyra. Because Tyra wants it that way.

Next – Is Fatima going to jail? And Lauren cuts herself. She really likes the gore.