America’s Next Top Model: Dominque On Dominique

Previously – Amis’ retarded ass got the heave-ho, mostly because she decided to dress like “hey man, you holdin’?” at the judging panel. And Jaslene signed to Lauren that she sucks, and Lauren didn’t take it well.

New York City! Models return from the last panel. Fatima thought being in the bottom two last time was “absolutely shocking”. To you, maybe. America doesn’t run on stank. Dominique is talking about Dominque again and she’s also letting us know that she can “go on for days” about how much drive and passion she has. Please, don’t. I can send you a check.

Big Whitney is over Dominique’s constantly talking about herself. Marvita feels that no one understands her and talks about how she hates to hug and kiss. She feels this way because she was raped and molested. Claire thinks that she’s a “crazy hood rat”. I thought Claire was all bohemian and accepting. Stacy takes the opportunity to tell Big Whitney that she doesn’t want to get “fat like you”.

Big Whitney doesn’t care that she’s plus-sized. Stacy and her clown voice can’t bring her down. She has curves, and doesn’t look like a little boy like the rest of these anorexic nervosa-sucking skanks! Tyra Mail! Read along, dolts! Dominique actually brings a chair to sit on while she reads. She’s full of sloth. The message lasts for like five seconds.

More ANTM, after the jump!

Fab Cab ride! Gather your insecurities and neuroses, and climb aboard! They are escorted into a darkened warehouse. Hopefully, someone’s getting rolled. Hey, you’re the ones who went on TV and pressed your asses in brand new Apple Bottom jeans into the camera. You don’t show off you swag on national TV, people are crazy and want things!

Spotlights light up various models giving ideas on how to pose. And I hear a familiar voice. A voice that comforts me, seduces me, and makes me want to find the voguer inside. BENNY NINJA! And he’s with Vendela! We get some background on Benny, with some night vision footage of him vogueing in a club. Dominique is impressed to hang out with the creator of “The Vogue”. Dominique needs to tell Dominque to bone up on her queer history. “The Vogue”? Is that like “The Cabbage Patch” or “The Sprinkler”? And as for Vendela? Last time I saw her she was hosting that short-lived show in which she let fat housewives get their glamour shots all over Times Square. I liked that show. Vendela reminds me of a farm league team. She might get called up to the big leagues, but you’re mostly going to see her on the cover of Family Circle.

Vendela puts Benny Ninja through a variety of poses like we’re at the gay circus. We have the three varieties: catwalk, catalog and couture. The three C’s of life! Our girls have to assume these poses. Fatima feels that she has all the qualities of a model. She better hope there’s no genital modeling coming up! Ok, that would be porn.

Models hop like stunned rabbits trying to strike poses and please Benny Ninja and Vendela. Benny calls Big Whitney “Anna Nicole”. HAH! Yeah, kinda. This displeases Big Whitney. Honey, if the pills fit. Marvita is just too tough for Vendela and Benny’s tastes. She does stride up like someone’s been overheard talking about her in the prison yard and she needs to school a bitch.

Vendela and Benny Ninja like Dominique. And of course Dominique has to tell us that Dominque keeps working it because that’s what Dominique is all about. Can Dominique tell Dominique to shut the f*ck up?

Claire phones home and talks to her baby. There’s a phone list. Dominique misses her phone time. She wants someone to have reminded her because she has a child. Uh, ok, I’m guessing Dominique is a little too focused on Dominique because Dominique doesn’t find Dominique’s child to be much of a motivation until the moment for Dominique to use the phone has passed and she needs to squawk.

Dominique blames it on Anna Nicole (Big Whitney) because the phone list was Big Whitney’s creation and I guess that also means she has to individually approach people to remind them to call their CHILDREN. Mother of the year. By the way, the editors make it look like Dominique was lounging about in Dominique’s bunk bed instead of contacting her baby. This probably wasn’t the case, but it still looks good. Big Whitney complains about Dominique blaming her, and she shifts her eyes side-to-side like Susannah Hoffs from The Bangles.

Claire tells Dominique she’s wrong, so Dominique lodges a complaint about Big Whitney’s head twitching. This causes Big Whitney to tell Dominique that she doesn’t respect her. Back and forth like addled crows they squawk. Punk rock Lauren looks like she’s about to cry and just wants everyone to chill, man. Dominique then calls Big Whitney a racist. This doesn’t sit well with Big Whitney. The best part of this whole exchange is a camera pan over to Marvita, who’s rocking shades and drinking a Stoli twist (or is that a Zima?) and shaking her head. I love her right then.

Big Whitney’s best friend is black. People actually say that? Two trannies are going home on Girlicious, mark your TV Guides. Marvita is still drinking her Zima. Big Whitney needs the saran wrap and tells Dominique she looks 30. Will she be trying to asphyxiate he with the saran wrap? I can think of a few more girls in this house that could benefit from that. Or the viewing audience could.

The girls go to Brooklyn the next day and Lauren lives there. Vendela’s here to show them “the best posers” in the world. But it sounds like the best “pussers” or “pozers”. Her accent is to be cherished. Benny Ninja and some drag queens rock it. Dominique feels that this is where Dominique belongs. No comment. It’s weird to see everyone pose because there’s no music. It’s like silent film posing. We need grainy placards that say “Girl!” and “Sashay!” The girls are going to have a posing battle. SO HOT. Team A vs. Team B!

The team that wins will go to the swag tent! Vendela wants the prize for herself. She might need it; I haven’t seen her gracing the cover of Women’s Day lately. Benny is wielding spray paint. The losers get it in the eyes. Dominique and Claire tie it up. Marvita thinks that Dominique did a “good jooooooob” but that Dominique is “kinda like a drag queen”. Then she gives this naughty side-eye to see if anyone heard her. I love Mad Dog Marvita.

Lauren comes from out of nowhere and blows everyone away with her contortions. How can she not be able to do the catwalk but can rock the three C’s of life? It’s a mystery. Poor Marvita. A reader recently mentioned that she looks like Chris Rock, and I have to agree. It was like watching Everybody Hates Chris but awkwardly gay. Stacy keeps doing the one pose that Benny Ninja offhandedly mentioned he liked back at the warehouse, and she beats that dog to death. Anya actually won, but they gave it to Stacy because she got on her back. Who would have thought that getting on your back would get you places in the gayest competition ever? Fatima’s up against Big Whitney, and Fatima feels that Anna Nicole is one of the cheerleaders that sleeps with all the football players. HAH!

Fatima thinks she’s at an actual vogueing ball, so she gets down and puts her lack of a clitoris in Big Whitney’s face. Aw, damn! Big Whitney’s split and her catalog watch pose get her the win. This battle looks like a lot of fun. Try it at home! The Mormon and Katar-something Polish (thanks for the correction, readers) are up. Katar-something Polish isn’t a model; she’s a Maxim girl. She shows it until she takes the floor. I like how the queens snap at you when they like your pose. That’s hot. Team B wins. Marvita acknowledges that she sucks and admits that she’s freeloading. I like her more and more. She’s not going to win this show, but I like her.

Claire won the best poses. She can’t dance, though. Julia Stiles, sit down. The girls get a lot of free shit. And Claire’s going on a trip to Bora Bora. Big Whitney feels that she should have gotten the trip because she got her fat ass to do a split. Someone needs to deflate Whitney’s head as well as her ass, thighs, gut and f.u.p.a. Marvita is getting crunk, and has a drink for Amis and goes to pour some on the floor “for the homies”. I love you, Marv. Fatima hates people. She hates childish, ghetto Marvita. Marvita is busy trying to seduce Lauren so she doesn’t give an eff.

Here’s Saleisha. She’s at the Cover Girl makeup factory. Wow, this bitch CANNOT get a job, can she? Even Tocarra’s working more than her. Try Craigslist, honey.

Marvita likes it here. She feels like she is just here, from the streets and taking pictures. She’s a glamour tourist. She feels she might be too ghetto. You can never be too ghetto, baby. You pop a .40, and tell your boyfriend you’re gonna smell his dick when he gets home to make sure he’s not cheating on your ass. I’m behind you every step of the way.

It’s time for a photo shoot. Mr. Jay and his sparkles tell them that they look tired. Aren’t we do for a product placement? Mr. Jay says that they’re going to be stripping away all the crazy elements that models have to deal with for this shoot. So, like, the show? Big Whitney’s glad that they’re going to do a close-up shot because her face is her best feature. Uh huh. I’m reminded that she told Dominique she’s uneducated and the “The Hills”-esque way she has of speaking makes me think she’s not a big reader. Oh, and they’re going to have paint thrown on their faces. Hee.

Marvita has regressed into a turtleneck and dark glasses. Did Ike Turner beat her the previous evening? Mr. Jay tries to give her a pep talk but this feels like a cry for attention to me. Fatima is so involved with the other girls’ business. She’s a real find for the producers. She’s like a news anchor for what’s going on with the cast. If the news anchor was a judgemental bitch. Fatima notes that Marvita doesn’t know how to be pretty. Mr. Jay brought last night’s trick here to photograph. This paint thing is a howl. They also have to wear colored squares of cellophane on their heads. It’s like a sorority hazing.

Mr. Jay provides club music for Katar-something Polish to squint to. I always wonder if they just filmed on Dominique on Dominque interview and that’s going to be enough for the whole season. It’s probably going to be an extra on the DVD, it’s so entertaining. Dominque tells us that Dominique isn’t Tyra Banks “yet”. But she’s “soon and up and coming”. Oh, Dominique.

Marvita’s going home. She’s pretty listless. I feel the limp. Tyra has to have the prettiest paint in her photo. Shut up, Tyra. Tyra looks a little tired. Tired-ra. I think she’s under the weather. Paulina and Vendela are out-classing her. We learn that Vendela is the host of Scandinavia’s Next Top Model. For real? Does Bjork guest-judge? I know she’s from Iceland, I just can’t think of any more celebs from that urea (yeah, I spelled it with a “u”). Tyra talks about the paint challenge and winces like she’s afraid she may have blinded a bitch and someone could get litigious.

Tyra reveals to Dominique that she previously thought of her as the “fine girl in the club” (really?) who thought she could model but now Dominique has proved it with her photo. Dom looks a little taken aback. She’s going to have to report to us later on how Dominique feels about this. Tyra shows us how to squint with our eyes. She needs to release an eye DVD. Fatima didn’t shave her pit. HAH! There’s a whole controversy over her hairy armpit. Ugh. I’m about to hurl. This bitch is so snarky about others and she can’t take a Lady Bic to her pit? Damn.

Lauren apologizes because someone stole her shoes. Ms. Jay blames the drag queens that judged the pose brawl. Vendela feels that Big Whitney isn’t take the competition seriously. Big Whitney doesn’t call her uneducated but does whip her ponytail around at her. Good comeback, Anna Nicole.

Marvita’s shot looks like a poster for the United Way. Like some evildoer was throwing paint on sad orphan girls. Vendela and Paulina fight. Vendela is gunning for Paulina’s job. I sense that she’s trying to be mouthy and create tension so she sticks out in Tyra’s mind. I bet she would take it for less pay than Paulina, Tyra. Supermodel scab!

Judges kibitz. Paulina feels Big Whitney is getting a little dull. Vendela hates her. Tyra wants Aimee to be a chameleon but still keep a semblance of herself. What? Ms. Jay issues a call for whoever boosted Lauren’s shoes to return those boats. Dominique clod-hops out to receive her photo. We’re down to Marvita and Big Whitney. Oh oh. Did Vendela’s hatred triumph? Did Tyra say “taking the teaches”? Did she mean “lessons”? Oh, Tired-ra. Big Whitney’s staying. Big Whitney’s so going after Vendela. She’s going to body check her cab into a building. Marvita looks like she’s going to cut someone.

Marvita says some nice things, and I think she’s a rad chick. She plans to keep knocking on doors. Knock on mine, baby.

Next – Tyra causes pain. Claire and Lauren have had it with Dominique. If I’m good can Benny Ninja come back?